Aibu to call them a cheater?

[SassyTee]

Not sure if I'm overreacting.
Happy to hear from anyone who's been somewhere similar, or be told I'm being too sensitive, or I'm doing the right thing.

Been with partner for 2 years. Good relationship, few ups and downs as we have both been dealing with highly stressful personal situations so have let the stress get the better of us and taken it out on each other a couple of times, but always communicate well and learn how to do better in future. Overall it has been a respectful, kind, safe, loving relationship. Or so I thought.

One of those stressful personal situations was recent, and we had a few cross words. As mentioned, we talked about it after we'd cooled down and was OK.
Well 2 weeks after that, partner was staying over. Their phone kept buzzing so I picked it up just to check it wasn't their parents trying to get hold of them (1 parent is pretty unwell, never looked at their phone before or felt the need to, they've never been secretive over it and will leave it next to me when out the room etc). Anyway, what i saw was a newly downloaded dating app (I know it's new as it's one that has only recently been advertised so didn't exist until very recently).
I woke them up and confronted them about it, but they got mad at me for having their phone, grabbed it back and stormed out.

That was 3 weeks ago.
I have had all the professions of love, sorry, 'it was a stupid lack of judgment'. They say they saw the advertisement after we had the falling out 2 weeks prior and just clicked download, but then didn't bother setting up a profile and hadn't thought about it since.
I am of the opinion it's cheating and whether or not a profile was made, intent was there if only for that moment they sat and downloaded it.
They don't understand why I'm making such a big deal about it and why am I willing to throw away 2 mostly amazing years on their 1 moment of stupidity. I say they are the one who threw away 2 years the moment they decided to download an app.

It's been 3 weeks since I ended it after discovering the app.
I currently don't trust my own feelings or judgment as it's still quite fresh and I have other things going on at the moment causing me a lot of stress too.

Am I overreacting? Would you react the same?
Is it cheating, or not? Would you end what was overall a good relationship on this one occasion?

So i suppose, AIBU to call it cheating and dump them, or AINBU as it is definitely cheating.

If they hadnt set up a profile what was going off? Because it wouldn't alert if the profile wasn't active?

Download the app yourself look for him?

But yes cheating he certainly isn't committed if he is looking for a warm bed before he has even left yourself

It's very telling the first thing he does after a difficult period with you is not only to download a dating app, but set up a profile ....you've done the right thing, as heartbreaking as it will be just now you are stopping a lot of pain in the future

It’s not a good look is it! Have a tiff with your partner and then get straight onto a dating site. Unfortunately, you could never trust him to not have a ‘not thinking straight’ moment again.

It really doesn’t matter what label you put on it. You find his behaviour unacceptable and are entitled to end the relationship for any reason you choose.

YABU because the word is ‘cheat’, not ‘cheater’.

It doesn’t matter if you are unreasonable or not or if it’s cheating or not. He crossed a line that you aren’t happy with so it’s over now.

It was other notifications on their phone, not the dating app itself, but i saw it when I was checking to make sure it wasn't their family (it was just boring stuff like emails, news and things that was buzzing their phone).

They are absolutely adamant that they haven't made a profile and only downloaded the app in a moment of frustration and being upset, that they hadn't actually gone onto it or even set a profile up.
The issue is, they could have proven that at the time by showing me, however that moment has gone now and any evidence that may have been on their phone will obviously have been deleted.

I would never ever have put them down as a cheater. They were always extremely respectful, we didn't sleep together until 4 months into the relationship, they'd randomly take my car and fill up the tank, get me occasional random gifts for no reason, come round and help with some housework. All the signs you'd look for in a partner. I never noticed any shadiness, nothing suspicious, always knew where they were going, just would never have seen this coming.
Which makes me second guess myself and think well should I give them the benefit of the doubt, try to work past this and set the very clear boundary that next time it would be immediate dump and block for good. I know people can make silly judgements in moments of high emotions, I know I have, and instantly regret it and feel silly after. But I don't want to be taken for a fool either.
We are both late 30's, and honestly I'm not sure I have it in me to jump back into the stagnant pond.

He got multiple notifications from an app he hasn't even used? Pull the other one.

Yeah you're sensible to break up with someone thats using or downloading a dating app while with you. He was probably just lining the next one up for when he left you if you've been having some trouble.

Sorry just to make it clear, the notifications that had been going off wasn't for this dating app.

In the 2 years, we have probably fallen out 3 times and it's been a case of us taking out frustrations out on each other because of the other stuff going on in our lives, as opposed to fighting about the relationship itself. Hope that clarifies things.

You don’t have to ‘jump back in the pond’ but the relationship ended 3 weeks ago so it makes more sense to move on and focus on the other stresses in your life rather than going over this.

If your partner has not cheated they definitely intend to. You don’t download a dating profile accidentally.

Up to you what you want to do and if you plan to stay with them, but if my partner’s response to relationship issues was to download a dating app and set up a profile (which they must have done to receive message notifications) then that would be it for me. They aren’t sorry about what they have done. They are sorry they were caught.

So you were going through their phone?

No. I picked it up and slide down to see the notifications to make sure it wasn't calls or texts. Only due to how unwell their parent has been recently and I was making sure it wasn't something urgent. The app was sat there on the screen with all the other normal apps, so I didn't need to go clicking through anywhere to search.

She explained not.
But it seems standard Mumsnet recommendation for a suspicious woman, although a capital offence if a man does it

Their phone was locked so all I did was swipe down so the notifications bar showed all the notifications so I could scan to make sure there wasn't several missed calls/messages. The apps screen was there with the app but I couldn't click on to see if it was being used as I didn't know their password. When I woke them I asked them to unlock the phone and they did, and I showed them and asked 'what's this' and they grabbed the phone.
The next day they said there was no profile, it hadn't been used etc but at that point they couldn't prove or not prove that.

I am struggling a bit. They were I thought, my forever person, and maybe that's why the betrayal hits deep because I trusted them and I don't trust easily.
They've been begging to fix things, promising they never used it, never wanted anyone else, all the things you'd expect. But how can I know what they're saying is the truth and not just empty words to rein me back in. This is the problem now.
I'd suggest some couples counselling to have a professional help us talk through it, but at this moment in time I feel too emotional and torn to trust myself to make a decision.

They say they saw the advertisement after we had the falling out 2 weeks prior
How long was the breakup and who instigated the making up? If the breakup was only 2 days and it was you who instigated getting back together then it doesn't look good. If the break up was 3 months long then that's totally different.

Did you actually break up or just have a row? If I had a row with my husband and he immediately downloaded a dating app, I'd take that as evidence that he was wanting to meet someone else. That to me is at least wanting to cheat. If your partner really thought you were broken up, I'd still think they were not that invested in the relationship if they were immediately on the look out for someone else.

LTB.

It wasn't even a break up. It was a silly falling out from being frustrated with other areas of our life which we took the stress out on each other. They were the one to reach out to start off the repair talk. They say they downloaded it that same day of the argument when scrolling on their phone and saw the advertisement and was feeling things after our argument so just clicked download.

You were right to call it cheating. It's the intention. I wasted 3 years on a guy who did this crap to me and I regret letting him get away with it because he got worse and worse each time. I did NOT REGRET leaving him when I eventually did. He treated his next gf awfully and when we compared notes he was as bad with her as he was with me, she caught him on dating apps in her own house. Useless man! Get him gone.

It wasn't even a break up. It was a silly falling out

That's your answer then. He downloaded a dating app while you were together. It doesn't matter if he made a profile or not, he downloaded and didn't immediately delete. He had one foot out the door with zero thought of you.

Not that it should affect the advice given(!) but why is everyone saying 'he' when op has been at pains to use 'they' consistently even though it's pointless as it obviously means 'she' ?

It doesn’t matter whether they agree with you that it falls within the definition of “cheating”. They betrayed your trust and your relationship. As a result, you don’t want to continue the relationship. YANBU.

OP has to have been to see it. I I mean this time it worked out for best as OP discovered their partner’s desire to cheat but OP was definitely going through their partners phone.

Also I don’t know how you have brought in the gender angle as we don’t know the gender of anybody in this story.

You can say that you were going through their phone OP. I think that’s obvious. Doesn’t change what happened though or the fact your partner is or is trying to cheat.