AIBU to get DS17 nothing for his birthday?

[NavySeal]

It's DS17 birthday today.

We agreed beforehand that we'd pay for half of his driving lessons and he'd pay the other half himself.

AIBU for not getting him anything else or doing anything for his birthday?

Awful. Your poor son. Mine would still get card, cake, balloons, little gifts to open-everyone gets a fuss on their birthday in our house, even me and husband! He’s 17, that’s still a kid. This has honestly made me really sad.

So you mean you haven't got him and single thing to open? And haven't arranged anything, no family over for dinner or a meal out? Yeah sorry I think thats quite mean and a bit sad

Im not surprised he is annoyed. I should imagine that he is also incredibly hurt. Surely you bought him a card?

I’m so sorry, I can’t imagine doing that to my child. How awful.
I will very happily send you an unbirthday gift! DM me if you’d like that.

Exactly. A card, cake, and the choice of his favourite takeaway or a meal at his favourite restaurant, plus maybe his L-plates, theory test booklet and some aftershave would have been plenty.

That’s really mean. You have not put any effort in to making the day special, just a promise that you will pay half for driving lessons (which a lot of parents would do anyway if they can afford to). I have 2 teenagers and even if we’ve bought one big main present like concert tickets that are most of their budget, we would always do banners and decorations, card, cake and token presents, and then a takeaway or meal out or something.

No. But they said happy birthday a few times.😳

Driving lessons are just such a foreseeable life event, AND you're still making him pay for half of them it doesn't really feel like a gift.

Can you imagine his friends asking what he got for his birthday and the answer is "half of my driving lessons paid for" when their parents are probably paying for them all AND getting them actual birthday gifts?

Well that’s ok then 🙄

No card? No cake? If you're not struggling, not even a meal out at an inexpensive Italian place or something? Nothing to actually mark the day itself?

Wow, that’s so horribly mean and something he won’t forget. YABVU and shitty.

Has he had other gifts from family and friends today? I am a grown woman and I would be sad to not open any gifts of my birthday. If DH has bought me an experience-type gift he will always get me some bits to open too.
I would have probably bought something car related as a fun gift.

This is absolute anathema to me. Every single birthday in our house is celebrated with home made cards, home made cake, decorations and whatever activity/meal the birthday person chooses. That could be going out for dinner, having their favourite dinner cooked at home, a party with friends, a fun activity like go karting/bowling.

None of that is remotely affected by the cost of their presents, and lots of it doesn't cost much apart from effort. If they have an experience type main present like tickets or driving lessons they would absolutely have some small presents to open as well eg sweets, clothing, toiletries, even if it's stuff they would have had anyway it's more fun to wrap it. We like to have a pile of presents to open even if they're not that expensive.

When DD was 17 she was excited to learn to drive so we'd arranged her first driving lesson on the birthday and wrapped up a toy car, L plates and a book of the Highway Code plus various other cheap bits and pieces eg earrings, sweets, a book.

DD2 wasn't that keen but we thought it was a good life skill so still paid for her lessons but it wasn't her main birthday present as she wasn't really wanting it. We spent a bit less on presents that year tho.

You seem to be sucking all the joy out of this birthday, I feel very sorry for your son.

She did, she wished him happy birthday!!!
How generous of her.

For a loved one I'd aways wrap something for them to open, nice card and message. It's just a signifier isn't it?

Of love and fond feelings I mean

I would absolutely still get something, even small, for him to open on the day (if the main gift were driving lessons which you obviously can't wrap). Then bare minimum a cake and a spread. (sandwiches, etc) That's what I do for my son.

One year my son just asked for cash, so I wrapped it up in a Christmassy envelope, and hung it on the tree.

Another year I just transferred him the money to his bank account and even then I printed out the transaction receipt, and wrapped that up and hung it on the tree.

If we had the money, we'd pay half towards driving lessons anyway, not as part of a birthday present. I'm guessing he feels hurt, and 17 is a tricky age as they're in the no-mans land between being a child and an adult.
At this point it should be damage limitation - book a table at his favourite restaurant and get him a card, cake, balloon (you're never too old for balloons 😆) and make a proper fuss of him.

He does have to pay for driving lessons if you read the post

This is clearly one of those MN families where when the child turns 18, they will then be on
their own, and should never expect any kind of support ever again because they are an adult.

That’s really mean OP. Did you not even get him a card or get something nice in for breakfast??

Fair enough then, we are in much the same boat, having worked hard to pay off our mortgages. Your first reply sounded like you were being disparaging about Gen X-ers with no mortgage, even though you are one!

I still think it’s weird to regularly pay a bill, any bill, for a full grown adult. But each to their own.

It's not just the lack of the gift/the card/ saying a lame Happy Birthday when you can see he's disappointed and wondering now if you should take him out to eat.. YES!!! You should.

It's just a total lack of celebration. That is not about spending money, its about appreciating that he's got to 17 years old and making him feel he matters, making a tiny bit of a fuss about him. Not just saying "Well we are paying for half of your driving lessons, so that's your lot"

If he's saving all his money for driving lessons, has he even got enough to go out with friends to celebrate?

A cake, some small things he needs anyway, a nice dinner whether at home or out are all reasonably cheap things to do for someone's birthday.. to make them feel a bit special.

What about his siblings? Have they got him a card? Can you prompt them? Or get some chocs for them to give him? .

His friends will all ask what he's done for his birthday...

Is this a reverse? Because I can believe someone would still be upset about this as an adult.

If it isn’t, go and buy DS some presents!!

I’d have done a card, Highway Code cook, theory test flashcards etc. to open. birthday cake. Lunch or dinner out.

Driving lessons are a great present as long as he wants to drive.

my DS just turned 17, my parents gave him the money for ten lessons and we are paying the rest. DH’s mum gave us her old run around for him. We are also paying all the insurance etc.

So for his birthday he got all that, plus a band t-shirt, L plates, a copy of the Highway Code and a new car smell air freshener for his not at all new car 😂. He was chuffed with all that. Stuff to unwrap but not too much extra in monetary terms.