To ask if you'd be ok with your DP doing a hobby 3-5 evenings a week?

[Iamsohungryy]

If it were a competitive sport and you had no kids. Sometimes once or twice a week, but they keep taking on new things so there can be weeks where it's Monday to Friday. This is living together btw. Or would you find it too much?

I am going to be honest I am the DH in this senario. Been married 20 yrs together 28 DC are grown- I do a range of hobbies through the week. I am so over cooking having dinner and watching a movie together. I'd rather do almost anything else. DH is quite happy to moulder on the sofa.

Don't internalise the misogyny and implement it in your own household then. You have a choice (and should you ever have children, you model expectations of gender roles for the next generation).

Is your problem with the cleaning or with wanting him around more?

If it's the cleaning (I agree he should do 50% as you both work, absolutely) sit down together and write a rota which splits jobs 50/50 and stick to it.

If you want more time together tge question is, did he always spend this much time on hobbies or is it only since you've lived together?

If he always did, you're being a bit unreasonable to expect him to stop (as long as he starts pulling his weight with domestic work) because you already knew this about him (obviously all bets are off if you have a baby though, and you would definitely need very clear conversations and agreement before ttc).

If he's changed since you moved in together it suggests he wants time away from you, which you need to talk about if / as it bothers you.

TLDR: Not doing his share of cleaning is unacceptable, but the time out of the house isn't (as you don't have children) unless it's a new thing since moving in together.

Didn’t take long…

In a childfree relationship i would be unhappy with this / see no future

What i would flag is perveived 50/50 pre kids doesnt translate to anything like 50/50 post kids.

You are unlikely to both be doing 50/50 as you are blind to the extra tasks you do and you have bandwidth - eg. Weekend plans, deciding what to have for dinner and making sure you have thst stuff.
Or I certainly was anyway...

You have a fuck tonne of free time relatovelt speaking vs employed adults with kids so you dont notice.
its often blind invisible tasks you pick up to be nice.
Its these tasks that multiply exponenially with kids so suddenly its not the pre kids 60/40 split on a volume of X but 80/20 on a volume of 2x

He is still doing 0.4 of an X post kids but youve gone from 0.6 to 1.6 of an X and now you want to scream at the sky at the injustice of it all.

In answer to the main question - of course not. Anyone claiming otherwise is a a) a liar or b) wants their husband out of the house and doesn't enjoy their company at all.

But in answer to the "I can't go out because I need to clean" - no. No, you really really don't. That is entirely your choice.

The two things are separate issues.

Sounds like he doesn't do his fair share in your home. Are you being left to deal with it all while he has fun with his hobby?

If you are being treated like the skivvy already then it's not going to work.

Houses with two working adults in them don’t need to be cleaned weekday evenings!

An occasional week, leading up to a competition wouldn’t bother me, although to 10pm every night is late.

However, three times a week ,, depends on what she like the rest of the week, and what takes priority. Would he drop training if you asked him, to go to a gig for example?

I have always been like this.
Always had hobbies, that have changed over the years, that see me out of the house 3-4 evenings a week and a bit on weekends.
I’ve never, ever, wanted my week to look like work/chores/TV.
So everyone is different. You need to decide what works for you.
No kids, which makes a difference, IMO…..

Im not sure as personally I do like my own company. However 2 things stand out to me; Firstly no matter what he does I would expect him to do 50% of the domestic load. If he isn’t doing that I would suggest as a minimum living separately together instead until he was able to pull his weight. I too like a clean house and I am no man’s servant.
Secondly, I would not have children with him. How many times do we see frustrated women with young children on this platform complaining about unsupportive partners? He is showing you what life with children would be like. If you are younger and want children in the future, you would be best advised to leave and find a better father candidate.

fine as long as (a) they didn’t prioritise their hobbies over times I needed them and (b) children are not on the cards in the future.

nothing more tedious than a partner who has tunnel vision, whether it’s work or hobbies or something else.

I would lower my standards a bit on the cleaning and get my own hobby and / or a cleaner.

I wouldn't love this though. Five days is definitely too much if he is out till 11pm.

I hate to be that person, but is there any chance he is seeing someone else? I know this gets brought up in every relationship thread on here, but 5 nights a week and staying out late every time would ring alarm bells for me a bit

Go back to basics
List all the things which need doing on a daily bases and split them down the middle...

Set days for certain things like
Friday, change bedding - DH
Clean bathroom- DH
Washing - DW
Cooking - M,W,F - DH
Cooking - T,T,S - DW (sat date night or take away)

Etc

How much of a “pigsty” can a house with two adults get? Especially if you are out a lot. Do you have pets?

sounds like you are unhappy though. So that matters more than a bunch of people on the internet.

Pre kids is it was occasional or through peak season is not be too worried if that was their passion. Where I’d be concerned is what would happen if you plan to have kids, easy to say I’ll cut back, but if they don’t you can’t send the child back.

Don't lower the bar on the housework - raise the bar on your choice of man!

I have ‘hobbies’ 3-5 times a week and sometimes full weekends and my DH is fine with it.

His ‘hobbies’ are only 2-3 times per week.

Yeah, no.
It's like that because instead of accepting only solid partners women just take any shit and then just go moan online about how society is unfair to women.
You are the society

What's the point of him? He's exploiting you and you barely see him. Does he enhance your life?

As long as he spent the weekend doing the housework.

If we had no kids I could cope with 3 nights a week. I’d spend those nights on my own hobbies. But 5 is too much and I’d rather it was 2. Is it a couple of hour or all night into when you go to bed?

My DP did 4 nights a week and Saturdays at a sport before we had children. He was back before 7pm depending on the night though. We also split household chores 50/50 so I wasn't doing it all while he was out.
It was fine for us. I'd sometimes enjoy an evening to myself or see friends. I got hobbies that had me out 2-3 evenings a week.
Its not really what others think but what you are happy with

Your own home isn’t society. If you don’t like it, change it.

Are they a competitor? Did you know about it when you got together? Why does your house need cleaning 2-3 nights they are out? Surely there are plenty of other nights/days they can be cleaning?

I think it's weird that someone would want to be somewhere else for the majority of the week instead of with their partner. A partner is supposed to be your favourite person, you're supposed to want to He with them!
Im not saying that couples should be joined at the hip - a hobby or seeing friends a couple of evenings per week is fine, but 5 out of every 7 is way too much. Particularly when he's leaving all the grunt work to you.
As a pp said, he knows the house doesn't clean itself, he knows he's being a lazy, selfish partner and he doesn't care enough to change it.

A good test is to tell him this is too much and ask him to cut down to 3 nights and see what he does. If he complains, calls you a nag or acts like you are unreasonable, then you know he isn't the right match for you and if you stay/have children, he's likely to continue to put himself first.

This relationship wouldn't be acceptable to me tbh.

Before kids, no this wouldn't have bothered me as long as domestic labour felt fair.

I think the issue you have is that you have different expectations around domestic life and that needs a serious conversation, especially if kids are on the horizon.

Tbh we have always had a cleaner, even before kids. Otherwise we'd probably be divorced.