To ask if you'd be ok with your DP doing a hobby 3-5 evenings a week?

[Iamsohungryy]

If it were a competitive sport and you had no kids. Sometimes once or twice a week, but they keep taking on new things so there can be weeks where it's Monday to Friday. This is living together btw. Or would you find it too much?

Which is different from 5 days a week and not getting home until 11. If my partner and I are both home at 8 we’d have time to cook and eat dinner together, chat and watch a movie. Also the ops husband is not really contributing to household chores as he’s out doing his hobbies. Do you also not do any housework as you go to the gym 4 days a week after work?

You don't have to take it OP. Yes, it is expected by a lot of people (of both sexes, too) but it's bullshit.

Is this the future you want dor yourself? Doesn't sound like it..So find a way to articulate that. Tell your oh that this isn't how you want to live and it is going to change - up to him if he is still part of your life under the new regime, where you do no more than your share of housework, and come first for any boyfriend (any boyfriend who isn't a dad that is)

In hindsight I wish my ex had committed more to his hobby. We did everything together all of the time and became co-dependent. Eventually I started getting bored/restless and started up a new fitness regime 4+ times a week. He still had no significant life of his own outside of our relationship/work and became very depressed. I think you need your own lives and identities outside of work and the relationship. Obviously there needs to be a balance of free time so that he's still investing quality time in the relationship.

Only you can decide whether it's too much or not. What if it was you with a hobby that kept you busy 3+ evenings a week?

If you are going to be alone and lonely then do it without carrying the weight of another adult on your shoulders. Id prefer to be single and alone than in a relationship and lonely.

What time doeshe go out to the hobby?

YABU. I've had periods in my life when I was training (not a competition sport) 3 to 5 times a week myself. If you can only fill your evenings as part of a couple that's on you - spending 100% of your spate time cooped up with your partner sounds unhealthy.

The housework is a different story. Could you do a regular joint cleaning session on Saturday mornings? Are there some tasks that he could take in entirely? But if you spend nearly every evening cleaning (not just tidying for ten minutes) maybe it's you who should reassess your priorities. Life's too short for this.

Does your DP do less cleaning than you because of the time he is taking part on his hobby?

3 nights a week to do your own thing doesn't seem bad.

Not seeing him for 5 evenings out of 7 every week sounds like it would take a toll on the relationship, especially if you are both working full-time.

Absolutely not. Would he be happy for you to do the same?!!!
And as for you doing 80% of the housework whilst he does this hobby - you're his partner, not his maid!!

My DHs hobby became his full-time job about 12 years ago so he now does it 5 days a week and sometimes he'll do it on his days off as well. I swear this is why we have been happily married for a long time, we both have space to do our own thing i must admit though I do switch off when he talks about!

How many nights a week do you see him/her?
How many do you want to see them?
I'm guessing it's not a steady boyfriend or girlfriend. Would you like it to be more serious?

You do 80% of the cleaning, and he's out doing his own thing all the time...

If you stay with him, I highly advise you don't have children with him. They will be your 'project', just like the cleaning is.

Men have eyes. They know full well that cleaning and tidying needs doing; we don't have to tell the wee blind lambs, THEY KNOW.

He's banking on this set up continuing and you keeping quiet and being a good little girlfriend appliance.

@Willowback Do you also do something 5 days a week? I assume he also shares the housework too? And childcare if you have kids?

With no kids no I wouldn't have a problem with it use those days and find a hobby for yourself 😊

@Missey85 Would you be OK with doing 80% of the housework too?

So don't do it then? Some of you lot on here love to play the martyr 😊 to worried you'll upset someone just don't do it? Is someone holding a gun to your head? No then it's your decision

He absolutely does his share of housework and our kids are teens now but school runs etc have always been 50/50 and he always makes the school pack lunches. I work from home so I probably do more housework but he walks the dog for 2 hours a day so I'd rather do the housework while he's out with dog. The hobby now pays the bills so thats a plus too.

@Missey85 Oh I completely agree. The issue is she is doing 80% of the housework whilst he clearly spends a huge proportion of his time on doing what he wants to. If she doesn't do it, who will? He should be doing his fair share.

Well if i always knew it is part of them so it depends

because you're putting the responsibility for all the cleaning onto the other person, which is bloody selfish.

oh I'll go out and have fun cos DP can do all the housework!

but people don't want to live in a grot fest.

plates need cleaning. washing needs doing. basic cleaning is needed. basic tidying is needed. even at the minimum level, most people don't want to live in a shit tip

@SleepingStandingUp I agree. The problem is that if the OP is doing the majority of the housework whilst he is having a jolly time on his hobbies, he's unlikely to change his behaviour. He's having fun and coming home to a nice clean house too.
OP needs to sit down with him and tell him it needs to change.
If she gives him the chance to change but he doesn't, despite knowing how it is making her feel, then it's time to end the relationship.

I’d be very unhappy. His life choices are predicated on your labour. I’d separate out what I could and not do other things. His stuff in the bedroom- chuck in a box. Cooking - just for you. Laundry - just yours. I would arrange things for the dates he’s home rather than stay home to see him in his limited availability. Don’t prioritise a man who won’t prioritise you. It’s not your fault you’re out to dinner that night and it’s the only night he’s home, it’s his fault for not trying to make time with you. If he couldn’t understand that he is not owed your labour and your prioritising him while he returns crumbs, then we’d be done.

But the op doesn’t get space to do her own thing with cleaning up after two people and trying to spend time with him. She should stop both of these, although then I think she’ll discover he’s not willing to step up or prioritise her.

If it was an hour that many times a week I would be ok but if it’s until 10/11 you might as well be single! He’s taking the piss. You would see flatmates more.

I go to the gym 4 times a week but I go in the morning when Dh is fast asleep. It doesn’t get in the way of our relationship or things that I need to do at home.

What sport takes that long? A good compromise would be a maximum of three times a week.