SIL makes 0 effort with me

[FancyTaupeBiscuit]

She is nice to me when I see her, and as far as I know she doesn't have any sort of problem with me. I know she isn't forced to be friends with me, I just feel a little disappointed.
From what I've seen she was very good friends with his ex and they all spent time together as a group, but those two were also close friends and went for coffees and stuff together.

I've tried to suggest that the 4 of us go out (with her fiancé too) to my fiancé but nothing ever materialises. We attended a meal for her birthday earlier in the year and I got her a gift and card, recently it was my birthday and she didn't acknowledge it at all by even saying happy birthday or anything.

I graduated and his parents said congratulations on social media, she said nothing.

My partner claims she can be a bit 'stroppy' sometimes and has her own issues going on, I'll try to not take it personally. I feel a bit disappointed but there's nothing I can do, I can't force things. Has anyone else had this?

Apparently there was a bad falling out between her and his ex so maybe she's decided to keep her distance from me? I'm not saying we must be close friends or anything, but unless it's a big family event like a wedding I have zero to do with her.

Not everyone wants a close relationship with their inlaws and just because you do doesn't mean that she or her fiance want that with you and/or her brother.
As long as shes polite, doesn't leave just you out and isn't passive aggressive with you really you cant expect more.

Yeah I do understand, I thought not bothering to even wish me happy birthday was a bit rude considering I went to her meal and got her a gift. And being very close friends with his ex. I know there's nothing I can do I'll just have to move on.

Meet her with the same energy. At least you won’t exhaust yourself worrying about it then.

unless it's a big family event like a wedding I have zero to do with her

Keep it that way if she's in any way involved with your DHs Ex - even if they've had a tiff.

I definitely will from now on. I just worried i mightve said or done something to offend her but I can't think of anything. The only instance was a comment she made to my fiancé that seemed a massive generalisation, something like 'People who aren't married by 40 have issues' and I've friends over 40 who never married, doesn't mean there's anything 'wrong' I said to my partner 'respectfully I do not agree at all because of xyz' maybe he's fed back to her but is that such a big deal? Just a difference of opinions.

She's been pretty clear she's not interested, which is fine.

I've been married 20 years and my husband's relatives are fine, but I don't give them gifts or hang out with them.

I won't bother anymore I think. His parents always give me gifts at Christmas and birthdays which is very kind, I do the same for them so only thought it natural to extend to her, but I won't now.

I don't think they're in contact anymore- apparently had a massive falling out.

If her brother is your fiancé, she isn't your SIL.

How long have you been dating him?

Did you specifically get her a gift or did you and fiancé get her a gift?

Because I'd assume my brother was in charge of gift-buying and honestly, really don't like when women do life admin for them.

Are you jealous she had a friendship with your partners ex because you mention the ex 3 times in the first few posts?
I think the thing to remember is she hasn’t chose for you to be in her life, you’re sort of in it by default really because your with your partner. I would just continue to be civil with her but don’t go out of your way to be friends, it’s obviously not what she wants

We both got her one individually as far as I remember

Not jealous but it just showed me she has been open to it, which makes me wonder if it's just something wrong with me.

I definitely won't be going out of my way from now on, birthdays or otherwise, I need to match with the same energy.

Maybe she didn't know it was your birthday or forgot.
I really wouldn't take it personally, enjoy her company when you see her but don't worry about trying to form a friendship outwith the family meet ups. Maybe she got her fingers burnt with the ex and has decided not to get too involved with her brothers new gf

I did wonder that, it's a shame to be tarred with the same brush as I'm a different person but not much I can do, just polite from now on but that's it.

By that logic anyone who has ever had a friend before should also want to be your friend.

It's odd imo to separately get her gifts. Let your boyfriend sort the gift for his family members and put your name on the card. Presume you didn't get one from his mum and one from his dad?

Also maybe if you'd had a birthday dinner and invited her she'd have come and brought you a gift.

I’m sure there’s nothing wrong with you. It could just be that your personality’s are different or maybe different interests.

Maybe, I could understand not wanting to meet one on one but even all meeting as a group seems off the cards. I'll just focus on his parents who are very welcoming and friendly luckily.

I really like my SIL but I still have nothing to do with her beyond the odd family meet up because we just... Don't.

She isn't your sister in law if I read your posts correctly, you are engaged to her brother. I wouldn't get overly involved in "in-laws" that aren't actually in-laws yet and I do think buying her a separate present is over the top. I've never bought presents separately for DH's family.

If you're assuming its something you've done wrong that you don't know about then I think you might have a self esteem issue. I don't think my SIL is overly fond of me. No idea why, it's certainly not something I've ever done. It just doesn't matter to me. We're pleasant enough at family events, that's all thats required.

I get she isn't officially the SIL until we marry but does it really matter. She bought me gifts in a previous year so I suppose I was a bit surprised but I'm going to try and forget this now and not take it personally.

I've never been out as two couples with SIL and her partner.

But you went out for her birthday as part of a large group? So she did invite you? You seem to be fixated on wanting to go on a double date though.

I really like my brother's partner but I'll only see her as a (small) group once or twice a year, and she's been in my life 10 years or so. I don't hang out with her 1 on 1 and don't want to. I just don't have tonnes of free time and that which I do have, I spend with my actual, close, long term friends.

I'd back away a little - you sound full on.

How old are you both? You sound young. It also sounds as though you got engaged very quickly.

If I was his sister I would probably also be wary.