Not said ‘step’daughter

[fornobody]

DSD is 17, my dd is 10.

Last weekend dd invited a friend to town for lunch and some shopping. They are a bit young to go alone and so dsd offered to take them. Friend’s mum agreed, they went and seemed to have a great time.

Friend’s mum has now somehow found out that dsd is my step daughter and is annoyed I didn’t tell her, asking why I lied and saying she might have felt differently about agreeing if she’d known. I didn’t intentionally lie, I just didn’t think it was relevant or needed mentioning.

AIBU to have not specified and think it shouldn’t matter?
Would you be more likely to say no in this situation if I’d said she was my stepdaughter?

OP's was correct to say older sister. The girl/you g woman (?) is blood related and is, in fact, OP's daughter's sister.
This girl/young woman is also OP's stepdaughter. And SO WHAT???? Calling her "my other daughter" or my older daughter" is lovely.

Just send her this thread and block 🤣

It was just a trip to town, not taking custody of them permanently!

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We do know that because OP already said that

You only know it if you RTFT. In any case, I deleted my comment.

Some people really coast long life without being told they’re a complete fucking bellend don’t they? I’d struggle to reply to this mum, it’s batshit to think dsd suddenly loses the capability to keep her eye on her sister because she’s not your birth daughter. Just block her. She’s a tool.

OP said her husband is father to both. I think we can assume he is biologically their father, however, that is assumed.

The woman is bonkers you said your daughter’s older sister would be taking them and she did?!
I can only assume she thinks they are step siblings as in not blood related although why that would matter I can’t work it out.
Just reply and say that they ARE sisters and you’re not sure what the issue is, I’m intrigued as to how she’s going to explain her objections…

That would be extremely judgemental of her and I wouldn’t understand that at all.

I have an older half sister. I have always called her my sister. I don't think I worked out we were half sisters until I was about eight! Your DSD sounds very kind and the younger girls will have had much more fun being taken around by a cool teenager than a boring mum (sorry!).

Unless there's something you're not mentioning, like her father is in some way seen as a problematic person by this girl's parent (like he's her ex too/involved in something dodgy) then I don't see what difference it makes. If it's something like judging because he's a different race or religion, that seems awful, but I can't think of any sensible reason.

She’s weird and rude, you definitely didn’t do anything wrong.

Her reasoning was that she assumed dsd was my daughter and thought that was fine as she knows me but that she doesn’t know my Dh whose daughter she actually is.

im not going to entertain her anymore than that buts it possible she was told stories by someone about dsd’s real mum who is to put it kindly an interesting character (but harmless) and has assumed dsd would be similar as a result.

You only need to read OP's comments. It's a bare minimum for engaging with a thread, I would argue

She's bang out of order. I'd be really annoyed.

They are sisters fgs.

The Mum is crazy.

So odd. I have a half sister as we have different dads but I have never ever introduced her to anyone as my half sister.
She is my sister. I’m not lying when I refer to her as my sister. This is how I see her and how she sees me.

I understand “step sister” may be less likely to care and look after her but certainly not in every case so maybe she got confused and thought it was a step sister and thought the worst.

Dont offer for you/ your step daughter to have her daughter again.

You didn't lie, you said DDs older sister, which she is. I don't know anyone who refers to their siblings as half-siblings in real life. The woman is a twat, I would just ignore.

My DH calls all his brothers/half brothers and step brothers "brothers". It's a sign of being a nice normal family.

So adopted daughter wouldn’t be good either then? Really?

She's bonkers. Knowing you does not mean a single thing about your 17 year old's (even if she wasn't a "step" daughter) ability to look after her younger sister and friend. Actually (mentally thinking about my DC's 17 year old friends) I'd say there was zero correlation.

I wonder if the mum is feeling she might have been a bit lax letting her daughter go to town (how old are they?) and this is her way of making it your fault?

But surely the OP is in a much better position to assess the trustworthiness of the step daughter, and the relationship between the sisters than the friends mum is?

If OP was happy with it, why would the other mum second guess it? She'd been told the 17 year old family member would be looking after them, which was true.

Tell her not to worry it won't be an issue again.
Hard swerve going forward.

Well these are siblings, related by that oh so important blood.
So therefore the elder sister should fit perfectly into your mindful category.