AIBU for preferring my husband not join our beach trip?

[Kardelen]

We were planning to go on a beach trip with my colleagues by coach this weekend. At first my husband didn’t want to come, but now he’s considering it - although he said he’d stay separate from everyone ( he has mental health issues)

My mum thinks it would be better if he came so he could help with the kids, but realistically I don’t think that’s how it would play out. I feel like it would actually stress me out more, because I’d be worrying about him as well — whether he’s okay, how he’s feeling, etc. and also he’s not very helpful with the kids anyway and gets stressed and spirals.

Also, I don’t think he’d come on the coach, so we would probably have to drive separately. That’s fine, but I’ve already paid for the coach for myself and the kids 😅

I think I’d also feel a bit awkward having him there with my colleagues, especially as some of them already know a bit about what’s going on since I had to adjust shifts and mention that he’s not well.

But I just feel so guilty like he’s missing out on his kids? As we don’t usually do beach days

Firstly does your dm often insert herself into your marital decisions?
Leave him at home.

Sounds like he wouldn’t enjoy being with others.

i’d arrange a second day out just you DH and kids where he may be more comfortable and keep the coach trip just for you and work friends and your children.

Yeah I don’t think he will enjoy, and he will only probably talk to one person. He did come before and spoke to a few people but that was before he had the mental health

There's nothing wrong with enjoying a day out with your friends and DC without your DH tagging along. I wouldn't have even thought to invite my DH in those circumstances. Surely he will have plenty of time over the summer to spend time with the DC, I wouldn't be worried about him missing out on one day.

Oh well, too late now, coach tickets all booked

maybe he can come another time

Is he receiving treatment for the mental health problems? Does he want to get better? If he genuinely can't face it this time then fair enough, but make sure he's actively engaging with treatment.

He said he didn’t want to come so you’ve made plans without him (repeat as many times as necessary in response to MILs opinions). Enjoy the break!

Oh, he’s got the mental health, has he. That must be tricky.

Exactly. Very tricky.

OP you talk about your husband like he is a small child who can’t think for himself.

Is he working? Is this both your time off work?

Op, go on the beach trip on the coach with your colleagues. Plan a separate trip with your husband. Everyone wins.

Tell your mother to butt out.

Go with your work buds in the coach. You think he won't enjoy it, this is a day for you and the kids.

Is he getting mental health treatment?

What is it that is actually wrong with him? Mental health can cover anything from mild depression to schizophrenia for example. And what treatment is he engaging with?

Regardless go on this trip on the coach with your kids.

Just breezily go on the coach trip as planned. It's paid for, the kids will love the coach trip, takes the stress out of driving and finding parking in beach destinations.

Tell your DH that you and the Dc will do a separate trip with him, by car, that he will enjoy more / is more his thing.

Stop feeling guilty. Stop listening to your Mum.

Oh give over. Its perfectly normal for a daughter to chat to her own mum about this sort of thing and for the mum to express her opinion. Most people have these chats before (or even instead of) asking on MN. Believe it or not!
OP, I think it would be better all round for him not to go. It's going to ruin it for you, and given it will be challenging for him anyway, its not as though the stress for you is worth it.
Can you arrange a different more low key trip for just your family another time?

But I just feel so guilty like he’s missing out on his kids? As we don’t usually do beach days

The do some beach days 🤷‍♂️

There's no point in him going if he's not going to mix with others and you have to drive there separately from your colleague's and their families.

This would spoil it for me.

The coach is booked and paid for for you and the kids. Does your DH even want to come or is your Mother just inserting her opinions into the situation?

Do a separate family beach day! If you've already agreed to the colleagues one, fine, but there's no reason you shouldn't do a family one. If money's tight, I'd put the family one first, as it's fun with friends, but beach days with kids are unbeatable.

I’m sorry, him tagging along but sitting apart from you and your colleagues who have arranged the trip? That’s just weird and frankly rude.

Would you then be expected to run between him and the group you’ve arranged to go with…just to check on him. Sorry, no.

You’re going with your colleagues. Are partners coming too or would it be just your dh?

Also your dh is ill. You’ve already had to adjust, change shifts, probably much more at home that isn’t that visible.
Youre allowed a break too. Some time to do things with your dcs, wo having to still look after him.
Actually that is a NECESSITY, unless you want to burn out.

Go in your own agd don’t feel guilty.
Organise another day at the beach with your dh if you/he wants. Plenty of time during this summer.

I agree. This is selfish of him to expect of you.

Why did you ask him/ mention it? Are there a lot of other partners going? I agree with having a different beach day out!!

Does he even want to go? My MH is fine (IMHO!) but the idea of going on a works outing with DH's workmates would fill me with dread.

If you think a beach day would be fun for him and DC, do that another day.

This. Good call, hopspot. If he won't be any help with the children I don't think it is fair for him to come along. Maybe DM can look in on him instead. Have a great day at the seaside with your colleagues. Supporting a partner with MH challenges is hard:fit your own oxygen mask where you can.

I'd encourage planning a separate beach trip with just your family. If he doesn't want to mingle with your colleagues (understandable; I'd hate that), he won't be getting much out of this experience and will only complicate your own day. I imagine your children will be happy to go to the beach twice, so unless there's some reason you can't do it, that's what I'd be suggesting.