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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was Mils will fair?

122 replies

PurpleInGaloshes · Today 10:53

Looking for some impartial opinions on a family situation.
My mother-in-law recently passed away. She had four sons, and none of them were estranged from her. If anything, the youngest son was generally considered to be her favourite.
My father-in-law passed away many years ago, and they had bought the family home together years before he died.
Two of the sons are married and have their own homes. The other two are unmarried, have no children or partners, and still lived with their mum. They didn’t contribute towards the mortgage or upkeep of the house, but they did pay household bills and buy food.
In her will, she left the entire house to the oldest son only. The other three sons received no share of the house.
From what she told the family before she passed away, she believed the oldest son would “do the right thing” and give a 50% share of the house to the other son who still lived there. However, since inheriting the house, the oldest son has said it’s his house, he can do what he wants with it, and he has no obligation to share it.
I completely understand that it was her house and she had every legal right to leave it to whoever she wanted. I’m not asking about the legal side—I’m genuinely interested in what others think as my expectation, as bare minimum was that she would’ve have left it equally to the 2 sons that lived with her.
Do you think she should have left the house to all four sons equally? Or, if her intention was for the two sons living there to benefit, should she have written that into the will instead of relying on one son to share voluntarily?

OP posts:
GreenCandleWax · Today 13:22

openended · Today 10:57

I don't understand people like your mil. If she wanted it split a certain way she should have stipulated that in her will in the first place. Why just expect the eldest son to do 'right'? The sensible thing to do is set things out clearly in your will.

"Sense and Sensibility" comes straight to mind - dying father got assurance from only son that he would "look after" his mother and sisters. Then the son's wife persuaded her DH to whittle down and down what they received and they ended up in poverty.
Why on earth did this mil not write her will stating her wishes?

FourSevenFour · Today 13:23

PurpleInGaloshes · Today 13:07

I don’t think it’s disingenuous. I’m genuinely asking whether people think it was the right thing to do. I completely accept she had the legal right to leave her estate however she wanted, but legality and morality aren’t always the same thing.
She’d apparently told family members she expected the eldest to “do the right thing” and make sure the brother who’d lived there for years was looked after. Instead, he’s now saying it’s his house and he can do what he wants with it. If that was always a possibility, I don’t understand why she didn’t simply reflect her wishes in the will instead of relying on trust. That’s why I’m asking if people think it was a reasonable way to divide her estate.

When I said disingenious, I mean that it is very probable that she decided based some (pseudo) cultural aspect, using the institute of the eldest son. No value denying that with relative ages and younger son's sons.

It doesn't matter that it doesn't make sense to you or me.
It obviously didn't work as she intended either, but it is what happened.

suburberphobe · Today 13:26

Do you think she should have left the house to all four sons equally?

Yes.

TheIdlerReturns · Today 13:28

I think MIL was way off in expecting oldest son to 'do the right thing' by the others. If she wanted that, she should have split it equally between them when she had the chance. Where there's a will, there's a war and I think MIL has just succeeded in starting one.

Twokittenchaos · Today 13:31

I think it can be hurtful to leave assets unequally between multiple children.

FIL will leave his house solely to his youngest DD, while having two adult kids living with him. Slightly different scenario in that she is a single mother of 2 children who works in a low paid, relatively niche job that she is passionate about so earning capacity is limited, however other adult child currently living in the house won’t be given a share, nor will DH or any of his other 3 siblings / step siblings (6 in total). We dont need the inheritance, I think DH would probably have given it to youngest step-sister anyway but I can see he’s a bit hurt by the inequity of it all.

ConverselyAttired · Today 13:31

MrsMoastyToasty · Today 13:17

Do you think she wrote the will under duress?

If the eldest knew (which he did) and verbally reassured her he would split it then there's definitely an influence. Hard to prove though.

palona · Today 13:32

MrsMoastyToasty · Today 13:17

Do you think she wrote the will under duress?

That was my first thought TBH.

MyDeftDuck · Today 13:33

Oh dear…..there’s nothing like an ‘unfair’ will to drive a wedge between a family is there!
My advice???? Don’t bother contesting, it’s expensive and lengthy……walk away with self respect (but you could silently wish the house was riddled with dry rot, wet rot and woodworm)

UpDownAllAround1 · Today 13:34

Have you seen the will?

lazymaw · Today 13:36

i’ve seen this before with older generations, oldest son gets the lot. i never understood it.

SaySomethingMan · Today 13:37

You should’ve led with the family being SE. Are you from a different background? Surely you know it’s a very ‘normal’ thing in the community? Have the parents already helped the other sons either buying their homes? They usually do.

Yoheresthestory · Today 13:37

C8H10N4O2 · Today 11:01

There is no “should” - she was free to do exactly what she wanted with her estate.

However she was remarkably stupid if she wanted the house divided between two sons to leave it entirely to one. If she wanted it split, she should have put that in the Will.

Actually there is a ‘should’. Every time. With wills there definitely is a ‘should’. With how much you live and support you children and grandchildren there is a ‘should’. But the biggest should is that you should have been a good and fair parent right from the start and taught your kids not to knife each other in the back while you were at it.

Should only works with good, honest, kind people.

Chilly80 · Today 13:38

Should have been left equally to all 4 sons

Original poster
PurpleInGaloshes · Today 13:39

I haven’t seen the will - eldest called a family meeting - siblings only - and basically said this is what it says. I don’t know if anyone has seen it tbh - when I’ve mentioned it to my husband he just says “I don’t want the money!” and doesn’t want to discuss it. But it’s not about that. It’s about the fairness (for want of a better word!), or morality, or however you want to put it.

OP posts:
Yoheresthestory · Today 13:41

PurpleInGaloshes · Today 13:39

I haven’t seen the will - eldest called a family meeting - siblings only - and basically said this is what it says. I don’t know if anyone has seen it tbh - when I’ve mentioned it to my husband he just says “I don’t want the money!” and doesn’t want to discuss it. But it’s not about that. It’s about the fairness (for want of a better word!), or morality, or however you want to put it.

Yeah she’s either stupid/naive or nasty. If she felt some of her kids weren’t worthy of fairness that’s also her fault.

drivinmecrazy · Today 13:41

This scenario hits quite close to home for me.
only this morning my mum and I met with her lawyer to discuss changing her will.
we're changing it so I am the sole inheritor and I will distribute in accordance with my mums wishes.
several complicating factors due to her living in Spain and owning property in uk and Spain.
we decided to do it this way for speed and efficiency.
but my brother and I know her Spanish assets are intended for the grandchildren, her UK home to me.
cannot imagine a world in which I didn’t honour her wishes (though I’ve secretly thought what if I did a moonlight flit and left DH and kids and went to live under another identity on a desert island 😂)

Tabarnak · Today 13:41

Horrible.

Either she was too cowardly to make a will that effectively evicted the 2 resident sons and so left that job to the eldest, to be the baddie, or she wrote her will under duress or strong influence, or she has weird patriarchal ideas that property goes to the eldest son.

There is no explanation that make what she did fair or OK - in emotional terms - though everyone can do what they want, no one should expect inheritance blah blah.

It can't help but hurt and the behaviour of the eldest is now guaranteeing family rift. Unless the others are absolute saints.

Ilovelifeverymuch · Today 13:42

Doubtanny · Today 11:05

An absolutely bonkers thing to do if she wanted to actually have a completely different result to be intuited by the oldest son.

In fact she just made it harder and provided both sons with a potentially larger tax bill if they did decide to carry out her unspoken wishes.

I completely accept the position that it's the doners money/property to do with it whatever they please but it seems so inevitable that favouring one child, seemingly arbitrarily, so blatantly over others is going to cause upset and resentment once you're gone.

I feel there more to the sorry. I definitely agree that this was a ridiculous way to go about it, just spell it out in your will instead of leave it to one person with th "expectation" that they will do the right thing, makes no sense.

Having said that OP said the youngest was the favourite child yet she left it to the elders, and also OP feels it should have been left to the 2 younger who were still at home which suggests OP has a skin in the game and is either one of their 2 or something.

Makes me wonder what the missing backstory is.

Advocodo · Today 13:43

It’s a very unfair will. Should have been left equally to all her 4 boys. The one time I might vary it is if a son had an illness which would limit his ability to earn a good income.

Mossstitch · Today 13:43

@Shewas similar situation, 2 sons have their own place but mortgaged obviously, youngest lives with me. You can stipulate in the will that house split 4 ways but one has the right to remain in the house for .... (how ever long you think reasonable) whilst paying costs and naintaining it.

Original poster
PurpleInGaloshes · Today 13:44

@SaySomethingMan the family have not helped the sons buy homes etc. The only traditional thing about my mil was her expectations on / of dils. If she was so traditional then her two eldest would not be sitting at home unmarried and without kids.

OP posts:
Hamela · Today 13:46

It's not very loving, or fair in the emotional sense, but I think people can do what they like with their assets? As long as there's no tomfoolery or pressure to rewrite wills etc.

It's an old fashioned thing to leave everything to the eldest, but many people did used to do just that (and obviously still do).

MickMacMike · Today 13:48

Chickadee26 · Today 11:05

Estate to be sold and all money shared equally to each of her chilften.

That would be best and the fairest.
If I were one of the ones with nothing I would have a go at challenging the will.

FourSevenFour · Today 13:49

PurpleInGaloshes · Today 13:39

I haven’t seen the will - eldest called a family meeting - siblings only - and basically said this is what it says. I don’t know if anyone has seen it tbh - when I’ve mentioned it to my husband he just says “I don’t want the money!” and doesn’t want to discuss it. But it’s not about that. It’s about the fairness (for want of a better word!), or morality, or however you want to put it.

It's about reality.

She did it in line with her beliefs. It (probably) didn't work out as intended.

Missing the SE asia and oldest son information in the original post leads to a messy thread where people confirm that her will didn't match the standard UK MN expectations. Which it didn't.

didgeridid · Today 13:50

I'm of mixed views here.
I personally would like to share what I had between our kids.
However, I'm also of the opinion that it's their money/house and they can do what they like with it. I don't think it's right to expect some form of inheritance from anyone and I would never assume I'm getting anything until (if it were to ever happen) it's actually given to me..