AIBU to end a good relationship over lack of emotional openness?

[Chilternrailwees]

My DP and I are both mid-40’s. Previously divorced and each have our own kids ( all teens). Don’t live together and no plans to.

We get on really well most of the time. He’s a great partner in many ways, but he does something that drives me round the bend.

it is almost impossible to have a mature,
emotional conversation with him about anything. Any kind of question that relates to his values, feelings etc is deflected with some lame joke, or ridiculous answer.

I’ve found it really hurtful in the past when it’s been about his feelings. I still have to prise an ‘I love you’ out of him. Can’t remember the last time he said it to me which wasn’t in response to me saying it first.

In a way, I’ve got over that a bit because he is very kind and caring.

but I’m frankly getting a bit pissed off with never being able to ask him a serious question about anything. It’s all just glossed over with a lame joke. One example is that I’ve never heard him say anything about how his divorce affected him emotionally. ( it’s not raw- we’ve both been divorced 8 years)

and before anyone suggests it, I’m not someone who wants deep, meaningful conversations all the time. Far from it. But sometimes, it comes up.

i feel like I don’t know him very well even though we’ve been going out 3 and a half years.

aibu to consider ending what is otherwise a good relationship?

Doesn’t sound like a good relationship

YANBU to end a relationship for any reason. Is he autistic? If not being able to talk about his emotions drives you mad then it doesn’t matter how kind he can be in other ways.

Maybe he doesn't want to talk about his "emotions"? He doesn't have to if he doesn't want to.

Urgh I dated someone like this for a while and it really gave me the ick in the end, it’s very immature and I felt gaslighted and unsure of where he was actually at with stuff at any point.
i think you can answer your own question tbh OP, you’re not happy with the lack of depth in the your relationship and have differing communication styles so I’d say you’re already a foot out of the door

Some people just don't exhibit deep emotional feelings. My husband doesn't. That doesn't mean he is incapable of caring deeply. I accept this, but you might not wish to any longer.

He's deliberately avoiding true intimacy by this immature "joking around" attitude, and at his age it's unlikely to change unless he really, really wants to.

He's using humour to avoid talking about his true feelings. He probably doesn't talk much about his childhood etc unless it's in very superficial terms. There'll be little or no talk about his thoughts, feelings and wishes apart from the sort of trivial, superficial conversations that you'd have with work colleagues or acquaintances.

At least you know that he's not looking for a deep emotional connection in his relationships and you can choose whether the things he does bring are enough for you. If not, and unless he's really trying to change, it could become even more frustrating for you.

I've just ended a 3 year relationship for this very reason @Chilternrailwees , we're older than you if that makes any difference.
It all made me feel quite wobbly and insecure, not normal.
I tried with every bone in my body for him to open up until I got sick of it and disappeared it. Iykwim.
I feel better for it.
You're not wrong.

Some people have had experiences where these kinds of conversations were actually traps and they are scarred from those.

So a conversation about their feelings on the breakdown of a previous relationship was actually just a ruse to get information to try to compare their attachment in that relationship to their perceived attachment amd commitment to their current relationship.

Conversations about how they feel about their current partner was turned against them when said partner feels that their feelings are some how inadequate because they don't seem to mirror their own.

You learn to dodge these conversations and that can be a bad habit you take forwards.

Thanks for these responses.

I really don’t want to end the relationship but feel like I don’t have much choice. I’ve spoken to him before about it and he has tried to change, but it’s just not something he’s capable of.

so I suppose I just need to end it - this is the kind of thing that will only get more annoying and unbearable over time.

but it’s just not something he’s capable of.
You said it yourself.
Your choice, which you do have, is accept him for who he is and stop pressuring him to be something he's not, or, accept it's not what you want in a relationship, and move on.

I know. He isn’t a bad person but I think we are fundamentally incompatible.

when I’ve asked him about the break up of his previous relationships, he just says ‘it didn’t work so I moved on’.
it makes me sad that he’ll just ‘move on’ without a second thought.

How is that train of thought helping?
He might just move on. He may or may not give it a second thought. He might even be sad and wonder why you just couldn't accept him. You are not him and have no idea how he processed it.
If you honestly feel you this way, you both need to move on. Good luck to you, OP.

Unfortunately, if you stay with him then your self confidence could be badly damaged by the tiny but constant feelings of rejection. You should feel special to him but will always feel like he's holding back, that you don't really know him, and that he doesn't want you to.

I have never spoken to my DH about my exH and my divorce. I don’t feel the need to and I don’t want to. That was my past, I don’t want to bring it into my present. I also don’t ask about my DH’s exs. I don’t understand this sharing of your whole life thing.

What else doesn’t he answer apart from your questions about his ex?

It’s a lot wider than this but don’t want to go into specifics because it’s identifying.

by talking about divorce and ex’s, I don’t mean going into detailed post mortems- I’m talking about a couple of sentences that show emotional maturity. For example, I realise that I married someone thinking they’d change, but they didn’t ever grow up. And I sacrificed a lot of myself trying to make the marriage work. I don’t ever get that kind of response from my ex.

there is basically no self reflection.

or something like religion - he was brought up catholic. Doesn’t go to church but still very connected to it. We were at a wedding recently and I could see he was very into it all. I asked him about his beliefs- I just get a shrug. He just ‘likes it’. And a few lame jokes about not burning in hell. I’m not expecting an essay- just a couple of sentences! He won’t even articulate whether he believes in god, something else, or just likes the sense of belonging. It’s something most people can sum up in a sentence. He is an intelligent man.

it feels like I’m going out with a teenager who is embarrassed to talk about feelings or anything that could be seen as embarrassing

I think the question here is:

1. Does he recognise and treat your emotions appropriately?
2. Does he get annoyed and angry when you step into topics that he has a strong emotional response to?
3. Do you know his emotional state on all things since you got together?

If the answers are Yes / No / Yes respectively then I think he's entitled not to talk about his past. What you consider his lack of self-reflection may just be things that he has dealt with and parked.

It sounds like you are fishing into his past and I can see why he'd resist that, especially if he things you might then disagree with his answer.

What you see as neutral questions may seem anything but to him, or might even require him to revisit traumatic times when he's managed to bury such thoughts.

His humour is telling you he doesn't want to have that discussion. It's not childish, just deflecting.

I think if something really profound and troubling happens, like a divorce, it would be a natural instinct for many of us to bury it as deep as possible, and never speak about it. Bring nagged to be "emotionally open" about it by a new partner would be awful. Humour might be the kindest way to respond. Just because some people don't vocalise every feeling they ever have, it doesn't mean that those feelings don't exist. We all have a right to privacy, and there is something to be said for the "stiff upper lip".

If your partner is otherwise a kind, loving person, don't be too quick to ditch him because he doesn't want to "perform" in a way you feel is appropriate.

Perhaps in the past he has had those kind of things thrown back in his face?

It's obviously bothering you a lot, so if you feel you're not compatible, it's fine to end it.

Personally, I'm a very flippant person and I tend to find emotional conversations a bit intense and awkward. I certainly wouldn't be that keen to discuss the emotional impact of a previous breakup with anyone, let alone my partner. So I can't really imagine ending a good relationship over this issue. But for you, it's obviously important, so YANBU if you feel it's a deal-breaker.

3.5 years and you're only now questioning his emotional openness?

Definitely ditch him and find yourself an emotionally incontinent wet wipe.

Look up "Avoidant Attachement". Use AI and be aware the internet villanises avoidants, but not all of them are horrible people.

if he likes solitude and space, and lacks the words to convey emotions, then you likely have an avoidant!

Acts of service are a love language so when you say he's kind and caring, perhaps that is his love language? Perhaps his humour is?

OP You don’t need to justify it if you feel it’s over. Your feelings are enough.
If you feel this relationship is like being around a teenager who can’t talk about feelings then it is sounding a bit over. Because he’s an adult and you will have to get through adult issues together. But only you know what you want.

I disagree, I think it is rather childish the mature response is something like “It all feels a long time ago now, I remember it being crap at the time, but you spend a lot of time thinking about, and you move on, don’t you”. If someone can’t come up with one coherent sentence then yeah, it’s not great, is it.