Didn't tell friend that I have slept with new man

[Freinddilemma]

So 3 years ago, I had a random 4 months where I was sleeping with a male friend of mine, lets call him Tom. Nothing serious, we had been friends for years and years, and then we just randomly hooked up one night and had like a 4 month "fling". It ended as suddenly as it started and we went straight back to being just friends with zero flirtation or anything.

Anyway, I have a very close female friend, let's call her Emma. She is absolutely bloody lovely and was dumped by a total prick she was seeing. It suddenly occured to me that there was a very similar kind of feel that Tom and Emma share, and that they would really get on. So I introduced them.

I dont know what the fuck i was thinking but I somehow never got around to telling Emma about how I had this thing with Tom. She knew we hung out and were frjebds and stuff of course, but back in the day i never mentioned we had slept together as it was so casual, and i didnt mention it before hooking them up either. I guess because I wanted her to feel like if they did hit it off, he would be just hers to know if you see what i mean. I don't know, initially I just wanted her to feel like she was meeting a great man and it felt somehow sordid. Like "heres a guy I used to shag, why dont you have a go".

Rightly or wrongly I failed to twll her, it has been 6 months they have been dating and I feel like its now past the point of no return as she is massively falling for him and I have missed the boat on telling her. He hasn't told her, I'm sure of that - she would have said somrthing to me.

Have I massively fucked up here?

I think you just need to tell her because it's not going to get better by leaving it longer.

Talk to him first and decide who is going to do it, but be clear that you think its necessary.

If you don't tell her and she finds out she'll think you were laughing at her behind her back.

Not sure why she needs to know ?

Oh just ignore it and move on. You don’t have to tell everyone who you’ve slept with as though it’s some big dirty secret. She’s not your sister or anything. If she asks don’t lie but if she doesn’t ask then it’s your own business nobody’s else’s.

Laughing at her for what? Such a weird take

Well yes, but you’re naive if you think she will definitely just shrug and think “ok, he shagged my best friend for a couple of months, so what”. She’ll be wondering what kind of sex they had, how she compares, whether he still lusts after her, whether he could casually ditch her as easily as he ditched her friend etc.

If he knows 100% that’s she rock solid with no insecurities, then maybe, but how many of us are like that, even if we give then impression that we are!

Yeah i would just say either you thought you mentioned it or you assumed Tom would tell her yourself if the relationship started getting serious.

i dont think youve done anything wrong, personally if you had told her when you initially introduced them as "hi this is tom my ex fuck buddy" is a bit TMI when for all you know they might never have even gone on a first date let alone started a relationship.

Mmm not necessarily.

Most of our friend group are friends from university. Two pairs of us married people we were at uni with.

Which means (at least for us) that pretty much everyone has had sex with at least one other member of the group.

Sounds a big deal, but we were young and it’s sort of like how every sitcom plays out.

At no point in any of our various marriages has who our partners had sex with years ago caused issues. I don’t wonder if my husband is thinking about the sex he had with Sarah when we’re there cooking a BBQ and talking about school applications.

A few months of sex pales in comparison to years of life together. As each month/year passes it’s less of an issue.

Nothing was adulterous. No one was being dishonest. No one was hurt. No serious relationships, that could be more awkward.

The point would be to be honest about something that barely matters if you are a secure person. I'd argue that's a fairly important consideration when kicking off a relationship you might see going somewhere, and to avoid it coming out of the woodwork from someone else in the future, where the damage would be meaningful because there was a choice to lie. I can't see why there's any reason to lie in this case - nobody has done anything wrong in the slightest.

I am a woman and don't think 'women's minds' are some homogenous, insecure leaning hyperbolic thing, no. If a person leaps to making something like this about more or decides not to take something that is so easily verifiable from both parties as not being at face value then that's their own issue isn't it. A relationship isn't likely to last or be a happy one in the long term if you can't trust a partner on something as inconsequential as that. OP and this bloke had a quick fling that ended as fast as it started and they reverted to being just friends. She obviously isn't romantically interested or she wouldn't have set him up with her mate thinking they'd be a good fit as a genuine kindness and he was clearly all for it.

People do (whether others like the idea or not) date within their social circles. I wouldn't care less if someone I dated went on a few failed dates or had some meaningless intimacy long in past with someone I know in this context. I'd appreciate being set up with someone that was a good fit for me and probably laugh about it at the wedding if we got there. Is the whole point of this not to offer opinions and perspectives, not argue about how women's minds work or whether there is one right answer.

Op's friend might not like it, that much is true - who can say except her, doesn't mean she doesn't deserve honesty from her own mates and the guy she's now seeing.

Not worth mentioning it now, it was a casual, brief fling that happened ages ago.
She'll either be someone who gets the 'ick' shagging her mates seconds or it won't bother her at all. Either way, why would you bring it up with her now, when their relationship is headed towards serious territory. Leave them alone.

I’m team “this isn’t a thing” and I wouldn’t mention it. If she ever says anything I’d probably reply with something like “God, I’d almost forgotten that, what were we thinking? So glad he’s settled down with you and you’re so happy”

When I think back to getting together with the man I went on to marry… at 6 months when it was very serious at that point… if he’d told me he’d had a FWB situation for a few weeks with a friend but it was meaningless…. I wouldn’t have thought anything aside from it further confirming to me how much I like / love this man for telling me!

I wouldn’t raise it with you because… well, no point.

In your shoes, I’d assume he’s told her or… given it was a few weeks of meaningless sex - presume he’s just not really thought about it to mention it! So I couldn’t be raising it myself

At uni… everyone had pretty much slept with everyone by the end in my social group! 😆

Are you also young @Freinddilemma ?

You both need to take this to ghe grave now. If he tells her, just say what, Christ that was something and nothing, I thought you knew was years ago, it wasn’t even romantic can barely remember it.