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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Didn't tell friend that I have slept with new man

32 replies

Freinddilemma · Yesterday 23:41

So 3 years ago, I had a random 4 months where I was sleeping with a male friend of mine, lets call him Tom. Nothing serious, we had been friends for years and years, and then we just randomly hooked up one night and had like a 4 month "fling". It ended as suddenly as it started and we went straight back to being just friends with zero flirtation or anything.

Anyway, I have a very close female friend, let's call her Emma. She is absolutely bloody lovely and was dumped by a total prick she was seeing. It suddenly occured to me that there was a very similar kind of feel that Tom and Emma share, and that they would really get on. So I introduced them.

I dont know what the fuck i was thinking but I somehow never got around to telling Emma about how I had this thing with Tom. She knew we hung out and were frjebds and stuff of course, but back in the day i never mentioned we had slept together as it was so casual, and i didnt mention it before hooking them up either. I guess because I wanted her to feel like if they did hit it off, he would be just hers to know if you see what i mean. I don't know, initially I just wanted her to feel like she was meeting a great man and it felt somehow sordid. Like "heres a guy I used to shag, why dont you have a go".

Rightly or wrongly I failed to twll her, it has been 6 months they have been dating and I feel like its now past the point of no return as she is massively falling for him and I have missed the boat on telling her. He hasn't told her, I'm sure of that - she would have said somrthing to me.

Have I massively fucked up here?

OP posts:
Werhere · Today 09:16

He might have told her
and it’s no big deal for her so not mentioned

ClairDeLaLune · Today 09:31

Is anyone else likely to tell her?

If not, I wouldn’t.

Freinddilemma · Today 09:49

SleepingStandingUp · Today 09:02

regardless of should have, would have, you didn't. just block it and move on.

are you a little bit jealous you got a 4 month fling and she might be getting true love?

No. Sorry to dedramatise what could have been a nice mid-morning hate-reading session for you

OP posts:
Ohnobackagain · Today 10:01

Tough one @Freinddilemma both you and Tom might have thought it was the other person’s ‘secret’ to tell and then both left it and now it is almost too late. He won’t tell her because it would put you in an awkward position and you don’t because - it’s been so long it would be more unsettling for your friend. Yes, in hindsight, you should have told her, but, you can’t turn back the clock. I don’t know what to suggest - it might help to write down ‘what you would say if you were to explain why you didn’t say/why you left it’ but I still think keeping quiet might be the right thing now it has been so long … “arrgh” completely get how you feel though!

Werhere · Today 10:11

Freinddilemma · Today 09:49

No. Sorry to dedramatise what could have been a nice mid-morning hate-reading session for you

Why are you not thinking he’s told her
and because it’s of little interest to her - she’s not mentioned

I’d be the same in her shoes

Krevlornswath · Today 16:20

TrishM80 · Today 01:56

Why on earth would he ever want to bring that up?!

"Oh by the way, I used to shag your best friend"!

Because they all know each other and she was the one to set them up so it's hardly outside of the realm of belief that he might at some point mention that they used to date? Not sure it requires it to be posed as dramatically as possible for effect, rather than just casually mentioned so that she knows and doesn't feel foolish when she eventually finds out.

It's not like it actually meant anything so why would it need to be proactively kept a secret by all parties. As I mentioned, people will view it differently and presumably would deal with it differently in real life as a result. If I started dating someone in that context I'd have mentioned it. Anyone with an ounce of maturity would just understand it for what it was and move on.

Stillso · Today 18:09

Perhaps he has already told her and because she knows it was not serious and meant nothing long term to him… she’s not bothered enough to mention it to you

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