AIBU to feel upset seeing Year 6 friendship photos exclude my daughter?

[Yearbookk]

Year 6 DD class was asked to upload pics of themselves inside and outside of school on teams. She’s been really excited and spent ages choosing the right pictures. Class only has 16 kids in so she tried to choose pics where everyone was there so for example all the class parties she had, school concerts etc.

she’s been really upset today (as have I) as we looked through the pictures. There are tons of pictures of the girls she thought were her friends at various activities without her e.g. cinema trips, bowling, sleepovers and parties she wasn’t invited to. I know not everyone can invite every child to a party but that doesn’t bother me, the days out without her bother me. We’re moving away and the kids have been crying that they will miss her (it’s an all through school) and she has been receiving so many gifts. We finished school on Friday. It’s just really upset me that she was never invited.

plus we have invited the girls - there are 8 in total including DD to activities like when I took them cinema etc. and booked other things but not one of those pictures has been uploaded by them. She really considered 3 of them her best friends and they were hugging and crying on Friday but now to see they did all these things over the years without her. Plus the parents must know how it looks but still posted the pics. It feels to me the whole of primary was a lie as I thought these mums and kids were our friends. DD is really upset and has told me she doesn’t want to see them again. We have invited the girls to our home next week to say goodbye properly. I really feel like cancelling

Such a shame to have then end soured like this. It's particularly stark when it is 'memories', so these might have been quite spaced out trips, potentially opportunistic in some cases, but put together it looks like your DD has been left out. Let the dust settle and then see what you want to do.

Our school do a yearbook for year 6. All photos have to be in uniform or in school, which is awkward, but makes sense in this context.

Can you just clarify OP - are there photos of your DD's three best friends, regularly doing stuff as a group without her? Because that would he hurtful for anyone to see, and I'm surprised other posters are being so relaxed about it!

Or are the photos of the wider class (so the other 4 girls who DD is not as close to) having parties/outings without DD? I would not he so bothered by this.

I agree with others, that friendships/outings can be driven by parents. But less so by age 11, when it's awkward if DC don't particularly gel. It was at around this point thay my friends and I started meeting up without DC, as they'd formed their own friendships and didn't necessarily want to hang out together any more.

That’s horrible for her and you and I sympathise. Do feed back to the school that if they are going to accept photos from personal events they need to be more careful. (Teacher here, I’d take this as reasonable feedback).
However, it’s now time to move on. As they get older parental friendships matter much less and she’ll have a bigger pool in which to find her connections. She has a brilliant fresh start and a whole world of friendships awaiting her.

She received a lot of leaving gifts - focus on how much people must care about her to be so kind and generous.

Drop the school an email and let them know how it’s made some children feel and they may wish to use school photos in future. Of course people are free to invite who they want, but it does hurt to see all these occasions you weren’t invited to. 11yrs old or 41, if you saw a load of photos of your group of friends out without you on a regular basis you’d be upset too. It’s a shame this has cast a shadow over her last days there and I think pointing it out to the school is a good idea so they can just keep it to school photos in future.

A major factor in people sending their kids to private school, especially at primary level, is to keep them from socialising with the Wrong Sort of Children. (They do not of course say this out loud and some will probably be very angry that I am pointing this out.) People with this mindset aren't going to magically accept anyone who can stump up the school fees. The British class system is much more complex than just your ability to pay for things. If you're not in their set, you're going to be left out regardless.

I agree with this.

It is common and totally ok for some groups to see more of each other out of school if the parents are friends. However, for children it can be difficult to see this and not feel left out. The school probably didn't anticipate this so it's definitely worth feeding back to them the outcome and how it has made your dd feel.

If the school haven’t done a YearBook before, they probably haven’t got a running file of photos over the years. So I’m doing ours now and I’ve got access to 7 years of Sports Day photos, the Egyptian Day photos from Year 3, all the production photos from previous years etc etc -
That’s why they needed parents to send in photos.

I think you could message to say in future could you just use single shots, or groups in school context, as otherwise it makes the children who weren’t invited to those social occasions feel a bit left out.

Is she a little bit autistic? I’m only asking because my eldest friendship group had a girl who is and misunderstandings happened a lot. Her mum is autistic too and told us it was due to not understanding what people mean sometimes. This meant every meet up or sleep over there was something that needed me to intervene and explain before an argument happened. As they got older they stopped inviting her as they didn’t like the arguments. They still like her and chat with her but don’t want to be with her for long periods of time, as they have to be careful with what they say.

I agree to pointing out to the school that something like this is a bad idea as it can cause upset to those who are not invited.
You don’t know how these outings came about or why your dd wasn’t included. It’s highly unlikely (unless she experienced bullying during her time at the school) that it was deliberate and parents/children will have just picked a few nice photos. It’s also possible kids parents have deeper friendships and kids were a part of that.
it’s normal for your dd to feel upset but just reassure her she is loved and remember the great times she’s had with friends at this school. Whether she cancels the goodbyes is her choose.

So this is about you?

Read the whole thread - this is was a response to a question someone asked me WHY the mums could be leaving her out.

So there is no year book basically it’s just an online thing school has made just using the pictures provided. Parents provided pics and school put them as a slideshow. I don’t even think school looked at them as there’s one or two pics used about 5 times. As 5 parents must have sent same one in

As you will know - autism is highly genetic.

Is your daughter autistic too?

She’s more adhd. She’s very popular and kids think she’s funny. She’s always been invited to parties but these intimate gatherings in people’s homes are what I’m suprised with. Yes I am upset and I think I need to accept the parents arranged this.

YABU, sorry.

By the time a child reaches year 6 they should be able to accept that not everyone is their friend and people will do other things outside of school.

I’ll always remember my year 6 birthday party. I invited my four closest friends for a pamper party in my garden - hair, makeup, nails, skin treats. A girl’s mum called my mum up on the day of the party in a rage that her child hadn’t been invited and asking what time she had to be there for.

The mum then screamed at me and the other girls in the playground on the Monday because it “wasn’t fair”. The daughter was hysterically upset, sobbing that we had left her out.

Don’t be that mum. Teach your daughter to be resilient.

Obviously that behaviour IS crazy I feel no where near that level! But I think anyone with a heart would be upset. I know people have different levels of empathy but I would understand how a person would feel if the same story was told by a friend. I have come to realise a lot of people lacking any type of emotions dwell on mumsnet!

I agree to a certain point but op is not being ‘that mum’. The mother you describe sounds bonkers. OP sounds very measured and dignified-but still upset for her child and worried her own situation may have short changed her child in some way.

One can be resilient, find the strength to say ‘let them’ and simultaneously acknowledge how hurtful something is.

I agree with pp, it’s probably a case of the 3 best friends’ mums being closer than they are with you. Do they live closer to each other perhaps or go to the same gym/hobby? Did they know each other before the kids started school? These are all clues that they are better friends and so naturally see each other more, which means the girls do too.

At school the girls obviously like your daughter and see her as a close friend, but outside school they see each other more as their mums are closer. That’s what I think is going on, and what you should try to convey to your daughter.

I would be hurt too and so would my daughter.

you are not over reacting and it’s not about resilience.

we had lots of ups and downs when my youngest started high school and it took me a while to realise it’s not actually personal at all.

You will probably be upset about this for longer than your daughter is

The fact they bought her lots of presents etc show they clearly think highly of her

Also, photos provide a snapshot, not the whole picture.

my daughter used to get upset as a couple of friends would post selfies of them together at the weekends and she would assume she was being left out. Turns out their parents just happened to be at the same pub on a Saturday night so the girls bumped into each other.

please don’t worry. The hurt will pass

I’m sorry your DD is feeling upset and I understand why you feel hurt too. Just to offer some thoughts. I generally approached things like you, I’d always invite all the girls etc but I realised not everyone does that for whatever reason. My DD wasn’t always invited to parties even though she got on with everyone. We just played it down, and to be honest she wasn’t that fussed most of the time. I’m not sure what the issue was as I got on well with the mums. In fact one mum
and I would often meet for a cup of tea etc but her DD never invited mine once to a party.
Shes started secondary school now and she has made so many friends and I’m so proud of how confident she has been. They were all nice kids at her primary but I think she sometimes felt a little on the fringes of things although she just got on with it.
I think sometimes there’s other dynamics between kids that we don’t see and also they can just act in the moment eg choose 5 friends to invite and you’d get a different answer today than you will tomorrow.
If your DD is upset, I think this is a good time to have conversations about how photos don’t show the full reality (nice smiley photo and a argument directly after) and how we feel about ourselves does not depend on other people. Remind her of the nice times she had at school. These photos don’t take that away.

I get it OP. It’s all very well people saying “well you can’t invite everyone to everything” but that’s easy to say when your child gets invited to everything. If your child is the one who has to miss out every time because “not everyone can come” it’s absolutely crap and it does feel deliberate and personal.

But I also agree with the posters who say that she will take her cue from you in terms of the reaction so I think you need to be calm and zen about it. She will make new, better friends.

I completely relate to this. Lots of small incidents over the years.

Then, at the end of year 6 disco, one of the parents (and organisers of the disco) took photos and shared them in the group, saying "I took photos of all our children for you all" and there was not one photo of my daughter. Not one. My daughter came home sad and told me she thought she had lots of friends but during the disco her friends had paired off/gone off in groups and she had stood around alone for a lot of it.

It just brought back a lot of bad memories of my own children.

you have my full sympathy OP

I did read the whole thread and it’s all about your feelings on it and how upset you are, your Dads feelings get mentioned a few times but not as much as yours.

I completely relate to this. Lots of small incidents over the years.

Then, at the end of year 6 disco, one of the parents (and organisers of the disco) took photos and shared them in the group, saying "I took photos of all our children for you all" and there was not one photo of my daughter. Not one. My daughter came home sad and told me she thought she had lots of friends but during the disco her friends had paired off/gone off in groups and she had stood around alone for a lot of it.

It just brought back a lot of bad memories of my own children.

you have my full sympathy OP