AIBU to feel upset seeing Year 6 friendship photos exclude my daughter?

[Yearbookk]

Year 6 DD class was asked to upload pics of themselves inside and outside of school on teams. She’s been really excited and spent ages choosing the right pictures. Class only has 16 kids in so she tried to choose pics where everyone was there so for example all the class parties she had, school concerts etc.

she’s been really upset today (as have I) as we looked through the pictures. There are tons of pictures of the girls she thought were her friends at various activities without her e.g. cinema trips, bowling, sleepovers and parties she wasn’t invited to. I know not everyone can invite every child to a party but that doesn’t bother me, the days out without her bother me. We’re moving away and the kids have been crying that they will miss her (it’s an all through school) and she has been receiving so many gifts. We finished school on Friday. It’s just really upset me that she was never invited.

plus we have invited the girls - there are 8 in total including DD to activities like when I took them cinema etc. and booked other things but not one of those pictures has been uploaded by them. She really considered 3 of them her best friends and they were hugging and crying on Friday but now to see they did all these things over the years without her. Plus the parents must know how it looks but still posted the pics. It feels to me the whole of primary was a lie as I thought these mums and kids were our friends. DD is really upset and has told me she doesn’t want to see them again. We have invited the girls to our home next week to say goodbye properly. I really feel like cancelling

Does it matter? Your job here is to reassure her that her friends were her friends, and that she wasn’t invited to every sleepover and outing doesn’t invalidate the friendships. That she can stay in touch with them and also look forward to new friendships in her new school.

It's upsetting OP, I can understand that.

But your DD leaving is the perfect opportunity to let this go. Complaining to the school is beyond pointless now.

Did you always invite the whole 6 everytime? With larger groups this splintering off will happen.

Thank you for understanding. I want to complain to make them aware not to do this next year, it’s not been done before as I have friends in older years. They said they didn’t have this and there was no year book, it’s just something introduced this year

Yes there are only 8 girls. 3 of them are her best friends. I wouldn’t leave anyone out it was always the core 3 girls (4 with DD) and the other 4 I would invite so they wouldn’t be excluded. Her birthday parties would be entire class of 16. It’s a private school so I doubt it was monetary reasons she wasn’t invited for. I’m just doubting the friendships I thought she had plus the friendships I thought I had with the mums.

I understand why your DD is upset but I'd say you are unusual in always taking all 8 girls, most people do not want to deal with that many children at once.

I understand that you and your daughter are upset, I and my eldest would be too. But I have to say my second born is more relaxed about friend ship changes and you can see from posts on here that others are more nonchalant too. I think we just need thicker skin...

Honestly, you’re being weird. It’s perfectly fine to only invite your child’s actual friends to things. You don’t need to invite the same number of extra children she’s not friends with in case they feel left out, just because they’re in the same class. Whole class parties usually only happen for the first year or two of school, and after that only the child’s own friends are invited.

Can you actually count how many photos and say how many events have you not been invited to is it 3 events a year or 3 a month for example?

i think you need to get some mathematical perspective on this

are you sure it’s multiple sleep overs could it be say 3 photos with different outfits on at the one same sleepover ? for example clothes they arrived in , then pjs and then another photo in the morning eating breakfast in different clothes but its all one night ?? - same for cinema
do you know the context of the days out ? Maybe a oarent asked another for chikdcare - it was a chikdcare favour rather that a jolly day out without your DD

Absolutely no way id toke 8 children anywhere and definitely not for a sleepover

strictly once a year for a birthday but absolutely only one or two maximum

You can't say any of those reasons or not with surety, you don't know. I agree with other posters that parents control a lot of the primary school aged activities, some mums may be closer friends or know each other from other avenues, the important thing here is that you don't let your DD internalize this or think there is something wrong with her, people do make stronger friendships, kids and adults, it takes all sorts, your DD might not be very forward socially or may not be proactive in organising things or being 'in the mix' that's not uncommon and some kids mature socially quicker than others too, being popular and included in the elite social groups isn't always a good thing or a good sign, be careful what you wish for. For now focus on your DDs feelings about it and reassuring her this is not in any way a marker of her worth, likeability, popularity etc, and say to her if she does want to be more social able and included this is something she can easily work on in her next school and be more alive to what's going on and the social dynamics.

I would feel as you do OP, if these are supposed to be her best friends they wouldn’t have sleepovers or days out without her knowing, it’s perfectly valid to feel upset when you find out you’ve been left out. The school should not have asked for photos of them outside of school as it was bound to lead to something like this.

It’s an absolutely mad idea of the school to ask for and share these photos. I completely understand you being upset. I would feedback to the school but also play it down with your daughter, validate her feelings but don’t let her know that you too are questioning her friendships.

You are overthinking. Sleepovers and trips out requiring a car, usually involves restrcting numbers. It is likely nothing personal

You’re like us - we would do the same as you and just invite all 8. However, honestly - that’s rare! As others have said, most parents will have 2/3 for a sleepover max unless it’s a birthday.

The girls are at an age where they’ll be allowed X number of friends to do Y thing and unfortunately, while your daughter is in the friendship group, she’s not in the top X of the group so she’s missed. I found this out in similar ish circumstances at the end of year 6 too, and my daughter was really upset.

In her new school, she’s found loads of parents like us, where it’s very much the more the merrier.

I completely sympathise OP, I would feel the same. Please, try to play it down for your DD though. No matter what happened outside of school, the friendship in school was genuine. As for school mum friendships, these can be notoriously cliquey. I have zero school mum friends and that’s fine by me!

Right but you do know eight is a normal number for a party, I trust?

I don’t know why some posters have been so objectionable OP. Anyone would be upset.

^This.

Most people with feelings would be upset by this. From your description of the issue, it’s not really clear what’s happened and why she’s not been invited to various things. Lucky that she’s leaving, though, and can move on from all this.

is the school or parents that but the year book together?

I think that we do our children a disservice by trying to always make things fair. By year 6 children are able to understand that they are not always invited to everything. Honestly, it’ll make secondary school much easier if your DD can build up a bit of resilience. My year 6 DD is in a gang of 4 girls, who are all lovely. Some of the mums in the group are closer than others, and I am probably the most on the periphery because I’m not very social. I am aware that there are things my DD isn’t invited to, and sometimes we just invite one friend along to an event due to space in the car etc. DD is pretty relaxed about it.

It’s a silly idea. My daughter’s class did a memory book of pictures at the end of Y8. It was supposed to be pictures contributed by everyone but it was the same six-eight popular girls over and over again and some really token snaps of about six-eight girls hurriedly taken in a classroom. In the middle you had the rest of the girls with a snap or two. It was awkward and ill-thought out by the school.

it’s fine for everyone’s experience of friendship / popularity / social interaction to be different but you don’t need a reminder at a young age of what someone else’s friendships “looked” like. Isn’t this why we ban social media for young kids?!

We’re moving away and the kids have been crying that they will miss her (it’s an all through school) and she has been receiving so many gifts

Which is the point in the here and now.

My DD7 is going through something somilsr right mow. The girl she calls her bestie just had a bday party and didnt invite her. I told that not everyone can go to a party, or that her friend might have other besties, but she said the birthday girl absolutely calls her a bestie. Which makes me think her mum is controlling who she wants at the party rather than asking the girl who she would like there, and I did then say to DD that when children are young, its the mummies who pick out who goes to parties. I'm very much the parent who asks DD who she wants to attend her parties.

Miss the old days where nobody had a clue what anybody else was up to during weekends or holidays and you had to go to Boots to get your film of photos developed and then there was no way of sharing them with anybody so they got put in a box or an album and only ever looked at again when grandma came round.

ignorance was bliss

I like your take on it, telling the child the friendship is still genuine, I will remember to use that with me DD7 moving forward. She makes friends eadily but she is left out of parties and gatherings because the other mums of her friends are very close - I work 40h weeks and I never get to meet them. Its affecting her social life but I hope that the silver lining is that she builds resilience and she can make friends herself without needing parents to socially engineer anything.