AIBU to feel unsure about my mother-in-law's behaviour and how to deal with it going forward?

[LJaneE92]

Hi,

I don’t want to say I have a nightmare MIL, because there are lots of threads like that. I’m not sure to be honest, but it would be good to get some unbiased opinions.

Pretty much since I’ve been with my partner, my MIL has made a lot of negative comments towards me - be it about money, our house, my pregnancy and birth, as well as just general comparisons to my sister in law and it’s been getting me down. Particularly the comments about our house.

Some examples include, but are not limited to:

Pregnancy and birth:
-Stating my sister in law had the worse sickness you could have in pregnancy, whilst I was suffering with morning sickness and mild Hyperemesis at that moment.
-After needing an Emergency c-section, her getting in our car on the way home from the hospital (because my partner wanted her there) and asking why I didn’t just elect to have a c-section (basically like SIL did). I wanted a natural birth, but my placenta became infected unfortunately.

Our Home:
-That it’s small and doesn’t have much of a garden.
-That SIL doesn’t have a mortgage and we do.

Money:
-That we’d need to win the lottery to buy a bigger car (which would always be a second hand car of course).
-That we basically don’t have a lot of money (which how would she know anyway?)

She also just states that me and my SIL are very different people. I’m assuming I come off worse in that regard.

My partner does know about these comments, and has stuck up for me once or twice, but doesn’t like confrontation and mostly doesn’t say anything when I tell him because it’s his Mum you know? I understand I’m putting him in an awkward position.

I would like a practical way to ensure she can still be a grandmother to our DS, and because I love and respect my partner so much, I want to keep the peace with his Mum and not cause him upset. So far, I’ve put her on an ‘information diet’ so she just doesn’t know what’s going on with us until she absolutely has to. She doesn’t know about the nursery place for our DS or our plans for weaning for example. I’d like to also avoid her coming to our house as much as possible. She currently wants to come up once a week to help out as I’m on maternity leave, but I’m running out of believable excuses as to why I’m busy that day. AIBU to try and always meet her outside our home? And would you say this is typical MIL behaviour? I don’t want to brand her as a nightmare at this point. My parents think she’s jealous, but I’m not sure about that.

Thanks for your help.

You are being too nice to a mil that doesn’t worry about upsetting you and to a partner that is failing to prioritise you and stand up for you.

Sometimes you need to draw a line in the sand that mil learns there are consequence should she cross it.

You don’t need to completely cut her off, I’m not suggesting that but decide what is acceptable behaviour and challenge anything that falls short of it.

You’re a mum, protect yourself the way you would want someone to protect your baby. You are just as worthy as respect.

You don’t need an excuse not to see her - if you only want to meet outside the house just tell her where and when you can meet and leave her at that. But her son can manage the relationship ultimately

then just learn the saint like patient smile. Every time she says something negative just smile serenely and then go to the other room and clean the toilet or get yourself a drink.

and just be very clear that you are the mother and you will not allow things to happen you are not comfortable with

if she thinks your a bitch and slags you off - well no difference to how she currently behaves

'did you mean that to come across as rude mil?'

I would continue to keep her at arms length. DH can make the effort to go and see her if he’s bothered.

To me they just sound like she says what she thinks, be it idiotic or not!! I don’t know that it’s worth anything rather than a roll of the eyes and a ‘sorry what was that?’ so she has to repeat it and then that makes her sound terrible (although some people will say break up the family by going nc and make dh never talk to his mum again!)

If you don’t want her to come to your home (and it’s understandable why you would not) then say let’s meet at x place. If she pursues the issue then say home doesn’t work for me at the moment. You don’t have to explain or justify your decision.

I think you should do absolutely what you want but the consequences may be far reaching. Alternatively just exercise resilience with the relationship and realise you are very different people.

I don’t agree with your parents that they are jealous of you. It sounds more like they think SIL is just better. I presume she is their daughter?
I wouldn’t see her alone if she’s being a bitch when it’s just you-tell your husband to go and see her at the weekend with the baby.

If she says things like, ‘you and my daughter are very different people’, I’d laugh and say, of course we are!

SIL is not her daughter. But she’s married to her favourite son.

MIL "I think I should come over every Tuesday to help during your mat leave
You "haha! That's a bit much isn't it! No, thanks for the offer, but I don't want to be tied down to a schedule. I'm sure Dave will drop you a message to invite you over when he's not working"

Why are you being so nice to a nasty woman? Why haven’t you told your partner? Tell him everything and then say you don’t want MIL at your house. No one is owed a grandchild. If she wants to see your son then your partner needs to visit his mum away from your house.

Saying "typical MIL" is no more reasonable than saying the only woman in the office is a "typical woman", or that you are a "typical DIL". If she's making rude comments, pick her up each time-breezy, polite, firm, for example with teh CS comment, you could point out you wanted to give birth the natural way, which let's face it, most women did and it's only been very recently that people could choose one (ok rich women could in the noughties, but were called too posh to push), so while you understand your SIL made a different choice, yours is the natural way. If she comments on cars/houses, say why is she commenting, isn't she aware it sounds rude?
Say you'd love her to have a big part in your lives, and you know how important it is for kids, but you're not accepting rudeness,

You just need to find a way to say, once, "knock it off, Ma, I'm not SIL so quit with the comparisons".

But you'd be best doing it with your DP in the know as to what she's saying and onboard with the push-back. Some of the criticism - the mortgage thing, for example - is criticism of him, too.

Typomedits

She just sounds like someone with no filter. Nothing you have written makes it sounds like she is a bad person or has any ill intentions.

@JLou08 - I’m not sure about that, I wouldn’t say those things to someone I liked to be honest.

Being nicey nice and fawning to someone like this doesn’t make them like you it makes them despise you. Be cold and barely polite.

Be less available..you don't need to justify that.

When she compares you to SIL just say thats nice and change the subject, when she insults you say that was really rude and then change the subject, or you could just say fuck off Maureen keep your nose out and fuck off to SILs house

You need to galvanise your husband, He sounds a bit feeble to me,

Let her home around for a visit. Challenge her with good come backs. Ie. MIL that’s very rude. Or I don’t think that is any of your business. Or oh that’s nice for her, we’re very happy as we are and appreciate each other very much.
Does she have a friend or sister? You could play her at her own game.

Your partner ‘doesn’t like confrontation’, and who does, but in a situation like this where there is conflict, someone is going to be upset. I’d be asking why he’d rather have you be upset than his mum, and why you’re upset about long term bad treatment isn’t worth awkwardness on his part. You say you love and respect him so much that you’re willing to negotiate this incredibly difficult relationship which is difficult for you to save your partner’s feelings but he doesn’t seem prepared to do the same for you.

Ah. How favourite a favourite is he? Are we talking Golden Child and Scapegoat territory?

"My partner does know about these comments, and has stuck up for me once or twice, but doesn’t like confrontation and mostly doesn’t say anything when I tell him because it’s his Mum you know? I understand I’m putting him in an awkward position."
'Not liking confrontation' could be down to being conditioned from childhood to put up and shut up and accept their Scapegoat status within their family. Have a google on 'Golden Child Scapegoat', @LJaneE92. You might find it looks familiar.

It's not uncommon for the Golden Child halo to extend to their spouse and children - similarly the Scapegoat's disfavour extends to their spouse and children. Hence MIL comparing you unfavourably to SIL.

If your DH is the Scapegoat, you might want to think about seriously curtailing MIL's access to you and your child. Protect your child from being made to feel like the next-generation Scapegoat .

Even if you don't feel this is what is going on, I'd still curtail her access to you. She sounds unpleasant, and nobody needs that in their life.

"Yes, and your point is?" Would possibly be the response to that.

Just reply “and” and watch her squirm for a response. Do so in repeat and she will quickly stop the nasty comments.

Keep telling her you are busy and don’t offer an explanation, let your partner take your child to see her. She will either get the message or you are starting to protect your child from the golden child toxicity.

Dear dh.

Please sort your mother or I will. My way won’t be pretty. I will leave the choice to you but any consequences, either from me or your mother, will need to be lived with.

All my love

@LJaneE92