AIBU to feel unsure about my mother-in-law's behaviour and how to deal with it going forward?

[LJaneE92]

Hi,

I don’t want to say I have a nightmare MIL, because there are lots of threads like that. I’m not sure to be honest, but it would be good to get some unbiased opinions.

Pretty much since I’ve been with my partner, my MIL has made a lot of negative comments towards me - be it about money, our house, my pregnancy and birth, as well as just general comparisons to my sister in law and it’s been getting me down. Particularly the comments about our house.

Some examples include, but are not limited to:

Pregnancy and birth:
-Stating my sister in law had the worse sickness you could have in pregnancy, whilst I was suffering with morning sickness and mild Hyperemesis at that moment.
-After needing an Emergency c-section, her getting in our car on the way home from the hospital (because my partner wanted her there) and asking why I didn’t just elect to have a c-section (basically like SIL did). I wanted a natural birth, but my placenta became infected unfortunately.

Our Home:
-That it’s small and doesn’t have much of a garden.
-That SIL doesn’t have a mortgage and we do.

Money:
-That we’d need to win the lottery to buy a bigger car (which would always be a second hand car of course).
-That we basically don’t have a lot of money (which how would she know anyway?)

She also just states that me and my SIL are very different people. I’m assuming I come off worse in that regard.

My partner does know about these comments, and has stuck up for me once or twice, but doesn’t like confrontation and mostly doesn’t say anything when I tell him because it’s his Mum you know? I understand I’m putting him in an awkward position.

I would like a practical way to ensure she can still be a grandmother to our DS, and because I love and respect my partner so much, I want to keep the peace with his Mum and not cause him upset. So far, I’ve put her on an ‘information diet’ so she just doesn’t know what’s going on with us until she absolutely has to. She doesn’t know about the nursery place for our DS or our plans for weaning for example. I’d like to also avoid her coming to our house as much as possible. She currently wants to come up once a week to help out as I’m on maternity leave, but I’m running out of believable excuses as to why I’m busy that day. AIBU to try and always meet her outside our home? And would you say this is typical MIL behaviour? I don’t want to brand her as a nightmare at this point. My parents think she’s jealous, but I’m not sure about that.

Thanks for your help.

You are far too nice. Currently she is the problem and you (and partner) are doing everything not to upset her - but she is upsetting you. Turn the tables. In my opinion you need to become a problem for her. You will never gain the approval SIL seems to have so don’t try. But she probably does want to see her grandchild so let her learn that if she wants that it must be on your terms and she should behave. You don’t need to give a reason why she can’t come ‘sorry I’m busy all week MIL, you know how it is lots of mums meet ups and baby appointments’. And be very firm on this, it is not your job in life to entertain a rude woman, your DH can make time for her if he wants. Also agree that you should call her on it ‘that’s was a really rude/hurtful/belittling thing to say MIL’ or just ‘why would you say that MIL’. And then, crucially hold the silence, do not explain or justify saying it. Let her splutter or act offended. Then keep your silence still. Refuse to apologise or back down on calling her rude. Also consider telling her outright you don’t like to be around her as she is constantly putting you down. Nip the behavior in the bud now so that she thinks before she speaks because she knows you will comment on it and make her look bad rather than smoothing it over for her.

Reducing information and contact as you have done is a great start but I suspect you have to add a bit of challenge here despite your DH being scared to do so. He’s okay for her to upset you but you aren’t allowed to upset her? State that to him and tell him that doesn’t sit well with you so from here on in you will defend yourself (and him) from bad behaviour in that you won’t be rude to MIL but you will point it out when she is being rude to you.

I would personally have a few stock phrases ready ‘What a thing to say MIL - I can see why you don’t have a lot of close friends’ ‘You must have struggled a lot in life due to being socially awkward’ ‘Oh yes MIL I do wish that I was as perfect as SIL, perhaps then you would be behave politely toward me’.

MIL is a nasty bully and she's being allowed to get away with it. I would do my best to avoid her if I were you, OP. And I would be more up front with DH about her undermining spitefulness.

True - you don’t have to, but you can, and I would.

When she asks whether she can come over, I’d say I don’t think that’s wise because you are often negative about our home.

I had a few ‘why do you do it that way?’ comments when DH and I first lived together. I had enough pretty quickly and decided I would not let the next one go. When the inevitable happened, I replied that I did it the way my DM ( already dead by a few years then) had taught me. Cue awkward silence and no further comments. She totally stopped the comments/questions.

I have zero tolerance of any efforts to interfere with the DC and DH totally backed me on issues of safety. We have PIL on an information diet re DC too. In your case I’d go with a strong response after telling DH that if he doesn’t respond firmly I will, and it won’t be pretty.

She certainly has no kind intentions. At best she is tactless and rude and at worst she is deliberately trying to upset OP by comparing her so unfavourably to her other 'perfect' DIL.

Whatever OP's MIL's motivation for those comments, it doesn't make her pleasant company for OP and OP shouldn't need to bend over backwards to spend time with her.

My MIL would say all the things you list. She’s tactless, unimaginative and bossy, but it wouldn’t mean she necessarily disliked the person she was saying them to.

I find with people like this you have to agree but with why that’s positive for you.

So for example “your garden is quite small”

“great isn’t it? Easy to manage which leaves is so much more time to spend as a family”

because I love and respect my partner so much

And does he love and respect you?

Or, are your feelings ignored so he doesnt have to challenge his Mum's rudeness?

learn not to give a fuck about her opinion and wanting her acceptance and you'll be happier. you married her son and not her. either be straight up honest and tell her the comments she makes are hurtful. or realise she is a lonely manipulative miserable person who thinks no one is good enough for her children and that she knows best even though they are adults. when she criticizes anything either just say well we like it or we are happy with it. get used to it, as they get worse with age. my mother in law asked me to abort my child when i was told i couldn't have children she spent the next 20 years doing similar things to what you are experiencing now, and the last 5 years its got bad that she now shouts and tells me how i should treat my husband and tells us both off as if we are kids. just understand she is the one with the issues and find a way to deal with her. whether that be you tell her very little information, that she can criticize or you just learn to set boundaries (she wont like that) good luck

Say mil.i don't think you have ever told me a joke since I've known you.

My partner does know about these comments, and has stuck up for me once or twice, but doesn’t like confrontation and mostly doesn’t say anything when I tell him because it’s his Mum you know? And you’re his wife and the mother of his child(ren). You come before his mum and if he isn’t ready to politely tell her to stop it, then he isn’t ready to have a family of his own.

I understand I’m putting him in an awkward position No you aren’t. She’s putting you in an awkward position where you have a choice between staying silent and taking all of her insults because your husband is spineless, or putting her in her place and upsetting said spineless husband because it’s easier for him to be annoyed with you than it is for him to be annoyed with her. Long term, this just isn’t sustainable. At some point, you’re going to reach your limit and lose your shit. You respect him now. Give it another couple of years of him watching you being torn to shreds without stepping in and that respect for him is going to seep away.

I would like a practical way to ensure she can still be a grandmother to our DS, and because I love and respect my partner so much, I want to keep the peace with his Mum and not cause him upset Well, if you really don’t want to tell her to fuck off then I think you’ve got two ways of dealing with it. Get a few phrases to whip out when needed. If she’s criticising your home/car/cooking etc, then raise an eyebrow and say ‘No, don’t hold back or sugarcoat it Susan, tell us how you really feel’ and then laugh so she knows you’re not saying it to start a row. If she’s waffling on about SiL and how wonderful she is, say ‘That’s nice. I like SiL. More tea?’ If she’s saying that she doesn’t know why you didn’t do the thing that SiL did, just don’t reply and start fussing around your DS. The other way is that you give her a hard stare and say ‘I think that’s enough now Susan. We both love husband very much so shall we change the subject before we fall out and upset him?’

So far, I’ve put her on an ‘information diet’ so she just doesn’t know what’s going on with us until she absolutely has to. She doesn’t know about the nursery place for our DS or our plans for weaning for example A very sensible idea.

I’d like to also avoid her coming to our house as much as possible. She currently wants to come up once a week to help out as I’m on maternity leave, but I’m running out of believable excuses as to why I’m busy that day Personally I think you should be honest and tell her that you don’t want her to come up because you don’t want to listen to her criticisms all day. But if you’re not ready to do that, then just tell her you’re busy. If she asks you what you’re doing, tell her that you’ve got loads on, you’re here, there and everywhere and you’ll be in and out of the house all day. Don’t be specific. Just gloss over it.

And would you say this is typical MIL behaviour? No, I don’t think so. Not in my experience. I think it just seems that way because people don’t start threads about perfectly nice, welcoming MiLs who are friendly and respectful of boundaries.

I don’t want to brand her as a nightmare at this point I think she’s taken care of that herself.

My parents think she’s jealous, but I’m not sure about that I don’t think she’s jealous. I think she’s just a nasty, bitter old fucker who likes making herself feel powerful by making you feel small. Experience has taught me that it will go far easier for you if you put as much distance between you as possible. Very quietly go low contact with her. If DH wants to visit her, tell him to take your DS and have a wonderful time but you’re not feeling well, or you’ve been meaning to rearrange the airing cupboard and this is the perfect opportunity. It makes the time when you can’t get out of it go much easier.