Aggressive dad, would you still let you Dc go to the party

[Thatdoglovestoeat]

Dd has her friends birthday party today, they live at the back of us. Her friends Df has always given a bad vibe, I can’t put my finger on it. He works away most of the time and when back, I don’t allow Dd there when he’s back.
Party is later today, I have just heard shouting, banging and Dd’s friend crying. I shut the back patio and went to look out of the upstairs window and could see the mum trying to set up the party with the grandma. He was storming around shouting and knocking things over, Dds friend ran inside 😢
Things seem to have calmed now after I heard the Dm (she’s very nice and I trust her) trying to calm the situation after initially shouting back a lot.
There will be lots of kids there and we’re obviously close by, just feeling nervous to send her there

Would you?

Your children are going to celebrate their friend’s birthday. Don’t let him spoil that.

Yes, i’m guessing he wouldn’t be aggressive during the actual thing?! He appears to be very drunk

Already? That’s an early start by any measure.

Poor girl, feel so sad this may be her memory. A selfish man who can’t control himself

Nasty people are generally if not always on there best behaviour in public
so I’d send her as a lot of people and kids there
don’t think I’d send her for a play date

It's lucky that you're nearby and can keep an eye and ear on things. Given that, I'd let her go. But be prepared to hoik her home early.

Are you staying for this?

might be worth messaging to ask the mum if all is ok.

Yes, I'd let her go. As you say, there will be plenty of DCs there and the GM is there to help too.

I'd be surprised if he kicked off during the party.

You could walk round to drop off your DD and offer to stay and help?

ETA: if you didn't live behind them, you probably wouldn't know what he's truly like so you'd be sending your DD without a worry just like all the other mums.

When you said you “can’t put your finger on it” please try. What’s throwing you off?

I would email social services, the police and the school about it to protect the child. We must never stand by and watch this. Even if the mum falls out with you. It's still the only thing to do. Aggressive men can and do kill their family members, seriously hurt them, destroy their mental health. Please don't cover up for him.

This is it. I know he drinks a lot as when home, lots of his friends come over with a load of booze, I don’t allow Dd over. I’m not sure if I’m over sensitive as my own Ddad was lovely until he’d had a drink, I still don’t feel comfortable around drunk people, even though I struggled with drink in my teens/twenties. I remember the feeling this little girl probably felt. We don’t get drunk or really even drink in front of Dd, it was something I always felt very strongly about, don’t want her around it.

I wouldn't send her unless I was there too.

This is what I’m thinking. We can hear the party from the back garden or sat in living room with patio open. Dh and I are both here.

I would take her and tell the parents that you are staying with her. You can explain why, or put it as DD was upset by the shouting going on this morning. Maybe it needs to be flagged up to the mum that the environment is not normal or appropriate for children, and you mentioning that you saw/heard and it's made you and dd uncomfortable might actually be helpful. She might be relieved to have someone else confirming what she must suspect.
Nasty alcoholic bullies are inconsistent, and there's nothing to say he won't kick off in front of the children at the party. He didn't care that the neighbours could hear him this morning, why would he care about embarrassing his daughter or scaring her friends.

No, I wouldn't allow my child to go to a house for any reason where there was a drunk angry man present.

And I would also do my very best to cool the friendship between my daughter and his. I'm thinking of immediate danger and potential danger in the next 5 or 10 years. First, I wouldn't want any future occasions where I might wonder about putting my daughter in harms way. Second, how is that little girl going to grow up with an abusive drunk father? It's going to have an impact, she's going to be damaged as a result, mentaly and emotionaly. I don't want my daughter to experience the fallout of that. People might clutch their pearls and think I'm judgment, or selfish, or not kind to the other little girl. But my priority is the safety and happiness of my child.

I would also phone social services and report that the child has an angry drunk father. Maybe nothing would come if it, maybe the parents would get some support.

There’s your answer.

I come from a family of drinkers and one of the reasons that alcoholism seems to run in families is that if you’re the child of an alcoholic you generally either marry one or become one, because the boundaries of “normal” drinking are fucked up.

It clearly is very very far from normal to be bollocksed drunk before his own child’s party by lunchtime. Even quiet drinks are still drunk, their judgement of everything is impaired.

I’d give it a swerve, and if the mum asks why, very gently tell her. Maybe hearing the impact from a third party might give her the strength to leave, or stand firm on rehab.

I can see out of my bedroom window the whole garden, maybe I just sit there and watch the whole time-quite weird but

No I wouldn’t send my child unless I could also be there. You could message the mum and ask if it’s ok for you to join-perhaps lie and say dd feels a bit uncomfortable as she heard some shouting and is asking for you to be there.

Just almost immediately on meeting him, I thought he was strange, but weirdly he was very quiet and softly spoken, just something, hard to explain.

Yes, not sure what to do

I understand why you're concerned and feel so sorry for the birthday girl having friends not turn up to celebrate her day because of her father. If he's that bad and I'd spend time worring if my DC was ok while there that would be enough for me to not allow my them to attend.

No I wouldn't send my DD to a house where there was a violent and aggressive drink adult male.

No way in hell would I, and I wouldn't be attending myself.

Why teach your child any thing other than to remove themselves from that situation for safety?

And please raise this through appropriate channels with safeguarding teams. It's not OK to be this concerned about his behaviour that you don't let your child go usually but that he has own children in the house.

😂 at posters thinking social care are going to pick up a case because a man shouted at his partner during the set up of a party. Clearly none of you work in the field, Christ I'm banging my head against a wall trying to get them to look at the children of known high risk violent and sexual offenders with convictions as long as my arm.
He sounds like a twat OP. Could you go and say you'll stay because DD has asked you to? I wouldn't make any passive aggressive comments about what you heard, as suggested above, if he is abusive it will make things worse for her. I would make time to catch her when he's not around mention you heard him shouting and ask if she is ok.

Maybe go along as well? Just to keep an eye on things .It seems a shame that the little girls father is an arse .but worse that she could miss out entirely .

Believe me, I'm absolutely aware that the dad's ongoing behaviour in isolation doesn't meet threshold. But equally we and presumably the OP don't know everything about the family and have no clue what other concerns exist or referrals have been made. Who knows what the overall picture is. Safeguarding is about observing something potentially concerning and passing that up the tree. You can't just do nothing and sleep easy at night. It's an imperfect and under resourced system, but it's all we have.

But why would it be sensible to give your own child the implicit message that this man is a safe adult by attending the party?