Aggressive dad, would you still let you Dc go to the party

[Thatdoglovestoeat]

Dd has her friends birthday party today, they live at the back of us. Her friends Df has always given a bad vibe, I can’t put my finger on it. He works away most of the time and when back, I don’t allow Dd there when he’s back.
Party is later today, I have just heard shouting, banging and Dd’s friend crying. I shut the back patio and went to look out of the upstairs window and could see the mum trying to set up the party with the grandma. He was storming around shouting and knocking things over, Dds friend ran inside 😢
Things seem to have calmed now after I heard the Dm (she’s very nice and I trust her) trying to calm the situation after initially shouting back a lot.
There will be lots of kids there and we’re obviously close by, just feeling nervous to send her there

Would you?

You're not you're saying to her I'm here and if anything feels off we're leaving. My DS would be devastated to hear his friend's party over the fence and I would do what I needed to do to make it work for the children.

Poor kid. You need to report his behaviour - I would. I would contact three organisations - the school, the police as a non emergency report and the NSPCC.
So maybe it won’t meet the threshold, but at least it is logged as a concern. I would send my DC to the party if they wanted to go - but I would ask if I could stay and help and see if I could ask the mum if everything was ok.

I think I would only let my DD go if I could join too. I would send a message something like 'I'm at a lose end this afternoon and could come help, I know how busy these kids parties can get'. If he is drunk and useless she might welcome the help.

I appreciate the point of the person saying I would seperate my daughter from this friend, but I personally couldn't do it. This child is likely to need support and a safe haven, be there for her in whatever capacity you can

Our team would pick this up for sure as he was throwing things about, it's not a one off and the OP is concerned enough she already isn't letting her own child around

This.

Chances are he’ll be charm personified. These are the kind of men that talk about their crazy ex. while coming across as lovely to strangers and acquaintances.

But her dad is drunk and aggressive and you knew that walking in to the party. So you're living on hope that the noisy excited party kids and the hot weather don't provoke him to act poorly. It's a bit naive to choose that.

The age of the children here matter as to how direct to be, (did the OP mention their ages?) but I'd prefer to say to my DC, in whatever age appropriate way, that little Sally's dad is drunk and angry and that's scary to be around. Then I'd comfort my upset and disappointed child and take them out to do something else fun.

I think it's important to make it very clear the little Sally's dad is not a safe adult and because of that we don't want to be around him at all, ever. A very hard line in the sand. Not a fuzzy one. A clear message to protect my child. You acknowledge that the social services thresholds are too high, so protecting our own children and giving them the right standards/expectations for normal, safe behaviour is pretty much our only tool to keep them safe as they grow up and start to make their own choices about what to do, with who, and how much truth to tell us.

Where in the country are you? I've had to fight to get our local CSC to accept a referral for a MAPPA level 3 high risk DA offender who just tried to strangle his pregnant partner (who is refusing any safeguarding or support and doesn't feel he is a risk to get despite disclosure) and still has unsupervised access to his other young children. Hearing you'd pick this up makes me want to move!

Since you can see and hear it all I would let her go, but be prepared to do something if he kicks off, can you get over the fence into their garden? Or shout over that you are calling the police? It will almost certainly be fine, if he's drunk already he will be sleeping it off later.

Are you in England? I’d also be concerned about him by the time the game kicks off at 10pm tonight

I understand the thought process and the kindness that's behind it. But you know when parents complain about their previously lovely tweens and teens "falling in with the wrong crowd". The kids that are "the wrong crowd" - those with behavioural problems, school refusers, addictions, petty criminality, bad attitudes - they are overwhelming the ones that have experienced adverse childhoods - DV in the home, parents with addictions, emotional abuse, neglect

My child isn't an emotional support human for anyone. If I can see a problem coming down the road, I will avoid it. The other child is absolutely going to need support and a safe haven, but that isn't going to be to the detriment of my child. Her mother needs to provide that, she can do it by leaving her husband and protecting her child, just like I'll protect mine

They have gates but could definitely call over etc. Dh said she’s absolutely not going at first, but we’ve decided to let her. He can hear everything from where he’s sat by the computer and i’m upstairs with windows open. I can see some other adults already there-older, assuming family members. I’m guessing he’ll be ok when everyone else around

London, our adult team are an absolute shit show but our children's team are fantastic.

It's incredibly difficult though in many places and I can't believe how lucky we are to have a team that with kids are great.

I used to be an inspector on JTAIs and I can tell you not all parts of London are like that!

Oh I know, we are v lucky!

It also wasn't always like this, in an area that's had a few high profile cases and so it's driven a change