Child deeply unhappy at school

[torially]

7yo boy. Suspected adhd, possibly also autism. On a very long rtc waiting list with about 9 months to go. Hates school and comes home exhausted every day. Constantly talking about how he wants to go to another school. Says he is always told to stop doing things and that other children look at him, and teachers embarrass him. He said he wanted a drink in pe because he was hot and the teacher said no, but he felt sick and needed a drink to stop himself from being sick, but the teacher took it from him and poured it on the floor and said he won't be able to drink now. I have no idea how much of this is true, if he is exaggerating, etc, but he is clearly very unhappy. I don't know what to do. He has lots of friends but says he thinks nobody likes him. It breaks my heart watching him walk through the school gates every day with his head facing the floor. I've spoken to the school about how to support him as I feel he is unhappy and I am worried about him but they say he is fine and havr no feedback that even slightly matches what he is saying to me. Just feel very lost and feel so sorry for him. School was not built for him. How do I cope with this? How do I best support him? If the incident with the teacher pouring the water out is true, I do feel like this crosses a line into humiliating territory (they could have just taken the bottle away if it was really not appropriate for him to have a drink) but I have no idea what actually happened. I am totally exhausted by it all.

Try a different school this one does not sound like a good fit.

is your son prone to lying? i’m surprised that your instinct is to think this event was untrue. given your son is deeply unhappy with school, something like that sounds entirely reasonable.
change school, if he’s unhappy in next school then it might be general feelings bout school, but it could be specific to this school.

Yes he has told lies before. Nothing like this but he has told lies to get his way. Not in a spiteful manner, but when he is overwhelmed he will lie so he doesn't have to do something. More often he embellishes things. Which is why I say I don't know what happened. I don't think he is lying. But he may be telling me something happened when actually it was something totally different. He only told me this afternoon so I need to ask the school about it.

Best thing is to express your concerns to the school so they can help.

Having said that, I am surprised a 7yo is talking about going to another school. Most 7yo aren’t aware of the option. When you are talking with him, are you inadvertently confirming his unhappiness? I’ve noticed, too, that it appears you condone his lies, saying it’s a coping strategy.

I’d caution against diagnosing all difficulties as proof of SEND. Sometimes sensitive little boys go through stages of angst. he has lots of friends, as you say, and what more can a new school offer? A new school is unlikely to allow him to do whatever he wants in the classroom, regardless of any ADHD. A new school is unlikely to allow him to have a water bottle in his hand while playing football, or while the teacher is trying to explain things in PE. I can guarantee you that in this hot weather the children will be given extra breaks for water, but in a controlled way that doesn’t interfere with learning.

Something is aloof that his account and that of the school is so apart. How about a meeting with him and the teacher so she can hear directly how he feels?

Id move him. I just moved my kids from a 2 form school to a 1 form school with a Christian ethos. I am not a Christian but the values and morals are good. My kids are happier and thriving.

I compared all the local school on chat gpt. I included my child's suspected diagnosis and asked what school would best fit. I then went to view the schools and went with my gut.

It's nearly the end of the school year and very hot, and school routines go out of the window at this time with end of term "fun".

I'd jolly him along to the end of term, find out who next year's teacher is and have a chat with him/her about his challenges (I'm a teacher - you'd be surprised how crap schools can be about handover).

Shortlist some alternative schools just in case you feel you need a change in September.

If you haven't already, make a parental request for ECHNA. All the info you need is on the IPSEA website.

Arrange a meeting with the SENCo
You can have a frank discussion about your worries and they will be able to tell me you what staff see in school - friendship issues - ability to do the work - all the things that could be troubling him.

You can out a plan in place going forward.

I think it would be foolish to change schools before you have exhausted all the options at this one first - otherwise you could just be moving the problems and not solving them.

It's surprising though how different schools can be and it's always good to have a plan B. A friend has just moved her SEN child after years of struggle and him being constantly in trouble. He's still the same kid at the new school but they're more experienced, less stressed, have more resources and he's doing much better.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/special_educational_needs/5484488-ehcp-support-thread-no-6?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

His new teacher is the one who he said tipped his water out in front of his friends, and the other class have been given his favourite teacher who he had last year which I also think has made things hugely worse. Honestly I just want him to be happy and it is the fact that he is so strongly disliking of school but they report no issues whatsoever that I feel something is really wrong here

I think I would want a calm conversation with the school that established some of the facts of what is happening here before making any decisions. In my experience kids will often lie or exaggerate when talking about things that have happened but not the feelings around the events if that makes sense.

If the water bottle incident happened as he said then it could be that this school is a bad fit.

Also one of the reasons I keep him here is because the SEND care is excellent.

Yes I think that's it. Two of my teachers at school was fired for hitting and abusing children (boarding school) so I would never just assume a teacher is incapable of a far lesser incident, but equally I know it is entirely possible that the incident just didn't happen or happened in a way that wasn't quite so bad, so I think you're right, I need a chat with the school.

I would quite like to try and make an improvement before the end of term. I appreciate that is only two weeks. Can anyone help me with some suggestions?

Some 7 year olds are definitely aware of it. In certain areas, hopping between schools is fairly common and children see their peers come and go. That's obviously not the case here as the OP is giving it a lot of thought, but changing schools, often around fairly minor issues, is not as uncommon as you might think. In some cases, children go to a few different ones before ending up back at their original school.

There are only a couple of weeks of term left and children are definitely more grumpy and tired than normal with the heat. I'd let the dust settle and see how the first few weeks of term go. Changing schools might be a sensible option though, even if just for a fresh start. Are there any under subscribed schools nearby with smaller classes?

He’s unhappy and telling you what he needs so move him.

I did that for my son also autistic and he absolutely blossomed

They need to know they have your support and that you listen on the bigger problems like this.

Given the situation that you describe, I can imagine my DS (6, similarly on the waiting list for ADHD diagnosis) telling a lie like that. I am a teacher, btw, but secondary.

I would let him know I was doing it and then phone the school to ask what had happened. I would ask them to explain what happened with his water bottle in the lesson first before explaining what he said happened. If what he said happened is true, then I would ask for a change of class given the prior breakdown of the relationship between the teacher and him. If it is not true then I would check that the teacher is happy to work on building a good relationship with him. It may be that, if it is not true, they would feel unsafe with him in their class given that he is already making allegations about them.

Thank you. Thought he has asked me specifically to talk to the teacher about it which I'm not sure he would do if it did not happen. I will email them today.

It's quite a new thing and his needs are quite high so am a bit reluctant to move him immediately without trying to mediate with the school first. I also suspect he is in early adrenarche so his emotions are running a bit wild.

Can I ask if plans have been made to see friends in the break and how secure his friendships are. Only reason I ask is that the times my children have been unhappy at school have always come down to friendship issues / feeling left out. Appreciate it could be all numbers of things but just sharing my own experience.

He has a lot of friends. Had s birthday party every week for the past four weeks. We have play dates weekly with his best friend. He also has a hobby he does 3 times a week which is his happy place, and he has a lot of friends there. I'm a single mum though so he will have to go to holiday clubs in the summer

I think all of us with SEND kids have heard the "he/she's fine in school..." line!

I agree with this, but also caveat it with trying to avoid trying to talk to the teacher every time a little thing comes up. Also, the OP seems annoyed her son didn’t get to be with his favourite teacher. I think one of the most important things we can teach our children is that we can’t have our own way all the time and that it’s not possible for a school to prevent all possible discomfort so that children can be happy all the time. Sometimes, you’re going to have to learn some self control: no, you can’t have a drink of water whenever and no, you can’t select who you sit next to or who teaches you.

Although I would also add that serious things, yes, absolutely speak straight away with the school.