How do you handle this is in a vulnerable 12 year old girl :(

[Crankyandhot]

DD has just finished end of year 7 and it’s been a very very very rocky ride.

bullying being the main issue
numerous incidents mainly manipulation/ isolation. Then online threats of local jumpings etc
we nearly pulled her out ( EHCP ) and was in the process but after long discussions and agreements we decided to hold off until the next review.

anyway today forms were released. Current form she is in her friendship group ( 4 of them )
all friendship group and bully have been moved in to one form and she has been moved in to a different form with not a single friend.
more recently the bully has been trying to spread gossip between her and her good friend.

she is sat in her bedroom crying sobbing and so upset that she feels like she has been punished for me complaining.
the email says it’s been discussed in very length with colleagues and basically not to email about it until after summer.

they split up early so today and it’s going to be such a long summer of anxiety to go in to year 8.

I know she is mine and I’m a parent so always going to be sad for her but my heart literally broke for her.
she doesn’t understand why she wants out with at least one friend.

any advice on how I get her through this anxiety ( she is autistic with speech impediment and cerebral palsy )

Well, I'd be emailing now and not just accepting it. Releasing that info on the last day is beyond shit. I'd want a meeting at the earliest opportunity. That's a horrible thing to do to a victim of bullying, and I'd want an explanation.

For your dd, I'd try to reframe it as her being away from the bully and she'll be able to see her friends during breaks.

yep sent 30 minutes after school ended :(

in the meeting we had about her needs I highlighted her autism and emailed previously about them doing transitions and letting us know she can be prepped.

then this literally just after I agreed to give it another 6 months! There is only 2 other girls in her form and they are best friends.
she won’t even have anyone to sit with.

The Senior Management will still be working in the holiday, so you can still email.

Are there any other schools that might be an option?

It's really not good enough. They aren't meeting her needs, either regarding the transition or regarding her social needs.

I also have an autistic dd who needs clear information before transitions (and who has an acute sense of justice) so I can imagine how distressed she must be.

They won’t reply - they have said in the email that they have made all staff put out of office emails responses 😩😩

Not in time no - I stupidly held off because they hinted a few things will be better. They are doing a huge merge with another site with no info.
she has a new building, new teachers and now no friends in her class with no transition.
I can’t deal with it anymore and I know I have instantly made the wrong decision in telling the la I would wait 6 months.

Can you go back to the LA and say that you rescind that decision based on the school changing the goalposts? And CC the school in

That doesn't mean they aren't reading the emails that come in.

It does mean they won’t reply
I have emailed the Senco - they knew exactly what there were doing when they waited until 30 minutes after school closed to send that email.

Your post took me back to when I was 12 with CP and in a mainstream school. I was badly bullied and hit by a gang of girls who also frequently kicked me.

My mother intervened via the school and it didn't really solve the problem as I was always going to be a target with CP - not helped by being teachers pet for being too studious.

The thing I found most difficult was my mother's level of distress about the bullying - it added to my sense of failure.

So having been in your daughter's position, I would try to encourage you to help her resilience and to encourage positivity about the move as it sounds as if you can't stop it given the timing of the email - can you suggest extra out of school activities she can do with her current friends and hope that the school has chosen the new class for a reason and will ask a child in the class to befriend your daughter.

Being different sucks but my school experience taught me that you have to get on with it as bad behaviour follows you whatever school or classroom you are in. So distressed as you are, my advice is to try and build resilience. Your daughter may need it for things like PE class - looking back on my education it is that which haunts me more than the bullying .

Just read your updates - the school sounds awful in how it has communicated with you. I hope that whatever decisions you make about changing school you can have a good summer break with your daughter x

Gosh I’m so sorry

Why are there only two other girls in her form? That sounds odd for a start, how big is the form and is it a very boy heavy year?

Were the kids given any chance to input on who they wanted to be with?

Honestly it’s going to be tricky to fix because it won’t be fixable by just moving her - since her friends are in same class as bully. They’d have to either move a friend in with her or swap her with the bully. What a mess.

Is she in touch with friends via phone?

They may not reply, but you can probably find their complaints procedure on their website and start the process of the formal complaint. That might evoke a response (and if it doesn't you're no worse off).

If other local schools haven't broken up yet, you can ring to find out if anyone has spaces in her year group (and go on their waiting lists if need be) which might inform your planning.

Re your dd, her distress might be reduced if you can give her what certainty you can - so help her for plan what to do if she has no one to sit with (bring a book to read maybe?). And reassure her that her feelings are valid and you're on her side, but it will feel more ok once she's used to it.

It’s independent school - small classes. A lot less girls than boys. I would not mind but her friendship group is 3 girls and 1 boy I don’t expect them to all be with her but you can see everyone was buddied up with at least 1 friend apart from her.

no the children were never involved in the planning. Don’t get me wrong I know exactly why they haven’t placed her with the bully but I just don’t see how she has ended up with the entire friendship group and DD with none.

I also could understand if they prepped daughter prior with her school councillor or OT therapist or explained to her why they have come to the decisions they have but nope nothing they just sent a vague email after school.

Oh ok private.

Does the EHCP name the school ie the fees are paid by the state ? Or are you paying? If you are paying then tbh I’d be looking into other options asap. (I know they will demand a term’s fees in lieu of notice but I’d be telling them they can whistle for that, since you are leaving due to their lack of care for a child with additional needs who they knew is being bullied. They won’t want that getting around.)

It’s not LPS by any chance? Hope not.

EHCP funded and no not that school.

Are they taught in form groups then? Usually form is just registration.

If this were my DD I would tell her to calm down and relax because there is absolutely no way that this is happening. I would tell her that I won't send her back to school until the class issue is sorted and if it can't be sorted we will look at other schools or homeschooling. But I would make it absolutely clear to her that she doesn't need to spend the summer worrying because there is absolutely no way this is going to happen.

All lessons apart from maths science and English. Even then I have no idea what’s going on as some of the teachers indicated they think she has moved in those to but no info on it

Ah ok so that makes moving more difficult. I presume you looked at state options and none were suitable.

I think you need to work out what you’re asking the school to do. Have the school acknowledged that the bully is bullying? If so then I think you can ask for DD to be swapped with bully - as why should DD be penalised. That will no doubt get pushback from bully’s parents though. Are the bully’s parents aware of what their daughter has been up to?

They know exactly what she is like my DD was not the only one but no at the time they handled it terribly. This is what we were resolving in the meetings more recently with how bullying incidents would be dealt with. Their reasoning was although they know there was not enough evidence. 4 separate students - same complaint.

Well it sounds like in a class on her own away from anyone she’s bullied would be the perfect place for her.

There may not be enough evidence to kick her out ( I presume that is what the school meant), but you’re not asking for that (well not right now) just for DD and bully to be swapped.

I would email the school AND the LA tell them you expect a meeting as soon as school year starts (if not possible before)
They will read them, may not reply.
I would set out the manner in which this has been handled (very underhanded), without discussion or possible recourse is cruel and now means your DD will have anxiety over the next 7 weeks, I mean how is that helping a kid with an EHCP??

On a personal level when our FS started y7 at local comp, they were told they would be in a class with some one from their primary, the word friend was used. Due to vulnerability he had extra sessions at the comp at the end of y6.
About a week before they started the class lists came out 8 classes of 30 and parents began asking who was in which class.
He was the only boy in his class from his primary with an only girl from his primary. There were 16 boys so officially could have done 2 per class (not realistic but just showing that was fair) but one class had 6 boys from his school in.
I complained this is not acceptable for a child with his difficulties being so isolated. They asked who his friends were and I named a few but pointed out I.wasnt bothered who he was with as long as he was with a boy from his primary. They did sort it (also moved the girl) but it should not have been planned in that way in the first place.

Our FS was never aware there was an issue as someone from the school responded to my emails immediately and it was quickly sorted. He would not have attended until it was dealt with.

Yep so our issue is the whole dynamic is absolutely screwed !

they can’t swap daughter and bully because there is another child in daughters new form that is not allowed in the class with her - the difference is sh has been out with her best friend who is the 3rd girl in the new form where we daughters best friend and other 2 close friends have been moved in to the bully’s form.

prior to this she has bullied the majority of the girls so there was a form switch up early in the school year which mean all girls ( 7 at the time ) apart from 2 were in the same form.
the 4 she bullied, the new girl and then the other girl was bully and her friend in the other form. Now the friend has left due to also being targeted and she will not be returning.

so that have moved DDs 2 girl friends in with bully as they now get alongish ( won’t last ) and her close friend who’s a boy.

they only way it will work it by allowing one of the girls to move in to the form but not switching bully.