How do you handle this is in a vulnerable 12 year old girl :(

[Crankyandhot]

DD has just finished end of year 7 and it’s been a very very very rocky ride.

bullying being the main issue
numerous incidents mainly manipulation/ isolation. Then online threats of local jumpings etc
we nearly pulled her out ( EHCP ) and was in the process but after long discussions and agreements we decided to hold off until the next review.

anyway today forms were released. Current form she is in her friendship group ( 4 of them )
all friendship group and bully have been moved in to one form and she has been moved in to a different form with not a single friend.
more recently the bully has been trying to spread gossip between her and her good friend.

she is sat in her bedroom crying sobbing and so upset that she feels like she has been punished for me complaining.
the email says it’s been discussed in very length with colleagues and basically not to email about it until after summer.

they split up early so today and it’s going to be such a long summer of anxiety to go in to year 8.

I know she is mine and I’m a parent so always going to be sad for her but my heart literally broke for her.
she doesn’t understand why she wants out with at least one friend.

any advice on how I get her through this anxiety ( she is autistic with speech impediment and cerebral palsy )

You said it’s an independent school so are you paying fees? I think if you’re paying it makes a massive difference. If this girl has already driven out one child, has 2 currently including your dd that she can’t be left alone with and you on the brink of leaving then you can push the school to act. You need to go to the governors if the school has them and you need to say as the bullying has not been dealt with you are reporting to Ofsted.

And tell them exactly what you want in terms of class configuration and your dd. But I would be aiming to get the bully removed if they can’t deal with her behaviour effectively.

We went through this twice with independent pre-prep then prep. The first time I compiled evidence from parents of the other bullied children, including the emails they have sent to the school about individual situations, wrote a comprehensive report of what had happened to my child and took it to the head. I told her the next step was sending it to Ofsted (The school did not have governors). The bully was excluded.

The second time when DD experienced bad bullying at the same school we left because we didn’t believe they were capable of safeguarding her.

Ofsted = state
ISI = independent
Tricky because OP can't easily remove her daughter as it's an EHCP space
Bully paying fees and may have siblings there.

I absolutely would take this seriously, including assuming that the solution will be to change schools. The early years of secondary have proved extremely challenging for many female children of my friends, leading to school refusal and mental health challenges. Your daughter's mental health and happiness needs to be first priority. Ultimately it will be less time and trouble to look for a new school (including any of year 8 missed during this search) than to risk mental breakdown, school refusal, etc etc

I don’t know really this was the issue to it was heavily hinted that the girl was not returning ! So heavily hinted that it could sink a ship so this came as a Complete shock.

they did always refer to the bullying as “ low level “ parents exaggeration etc
maybe I’m to sensitive but the bullying ended up in a very severe situation for DD because she was so tun down so I need to be pro active now. I think I just need to bite the bullet and realise it’s not the right school for her but it’s a shame because there is other reasons that she benefits from hugely.

thank you for reassuring me I wasn’t being “ THAT” parent.

Sounds like a terrible school!! I’m so sorry she’s been treated like that. I’d move her.

Yeah I’m be going ballistic, senior management and a complaint to the governors. Telling you don’t to email back is appalling too. If you don’t get anywhere then change schools because the bullying will just continue like this.

If you do leave the school please report to Ofsted and tell them why you’re leaving. I didn’t and regret it. I watched the school get Ofsted outstanding after my daughter was bullied out of it and they had totally failed to safeguard her twice. For the sake of the other children it’s best if the school are forced to account and don’t just keep failing and lying at inspections.

Ofsted inspected the independent pre-prep and prep dd was in so this isn’t always the case.

I would move schools. I heartily wish we had moved my child instead of listening to the school promising more support.
They told me my child would not be accepted into a specialist school as so many kids were a lot worse !!!! Added to this, child did not want to move anyway. If a move had failed, then who's to blame? ( hint; me)

They failed my child and we still feel it some years later.
Bullies make me sick. And their parents. One parent expressed complete surprise that my child had been allowed to go to such a good school when a very bright child they knew of, didn't get a place!!!!!
You hope karma will be served on them but it doesn't seem to.

Good luck OP

When DD went into Y7 all her friends were in one class apart from her and she was quite upset for a while until she made very good friends with those in her class. That might not be the case with your DD so it might be better to email the school anyways and get them to sort it out somehow, especially if they are trying to punish you and your DD!

Reassure your daughter that it’ll be ok. And that you will not send her back to that school unless it’s sorted. She can be home schooled until she feels happy and safe.

Yes, I've just looked and that must have been because there were children under 2.

Neither body is likely to inspect in this case although it would be worth OP looking to see what the last inspection report says, if she hasn't already.

The headteacher cannot ignore you, surely? Email or go to their office.

Is such a small school even financially viable?

If your EHCP is funding the fees I would talk to the LA and copy the school HM and SENCO. Finding another school may be the best plan.

Not necessarily. While most independent schools are members of the ISC, not all are, so some are inspected by Ofsted rather than ISI. Also, those independent SS who are section 41 approved are inspected by Ofsted.

I thought it would be worth looking at the inspection report just in case it says "the school anti bullying policy was not consistently applied"/"some children said they didn't always feel safe at school" or whatever. If the OP is considering something drastic like a school change it's useful to know if something's a one off problem or if there are hints it might be an ongoing issue.

I don't think OP needs to know minutiae of who inspects what, but obviously there's not much point looking on the Ofsted website if it's ISI that's relevant.

As pp said, as it seems to be a rather small school, it would be useful to look at the annual report and accounts to see how they're doing financially. Quite a few small independents have shut at short notice.

From what OP has posted, I suspect this is an independent SS. It isn’t unusual for them to be small (and boy-heavy, sadly).