AIBU to make my mum go home after 3 weeks?

[Borntorunfast]

My mum is 80, had an accident in the spring, went blind in one eye, recovered some sight (miracle!), and recently had an operation where they repaired the remaining damage. Phew.

While she's recovering she's staying with me, as she's lost sight in that eye again (it will come back gradually). I have said it's for 3 weeks, as she needs 10 eye drops a day (!) for the first 2 and then she has a follow-up the week after. By which point she'll have regained some sight and be down to 1 eye drop a day.

I am at the end of my tether, 10 days in. She's incredibly needy. She keeps crying if her drops are 2 minutes late, or if I go out, or if we do something that she's not invited to. We've had to postpone trips and celebrations.

She often makes out she's worse than she is, so I have no idea whether she's OK or not.

Example: I got her referred to a specialist hospital for a second opinion. All good. BUT at the appointment - to which she arrived after a torturous walk that she wobbled and huffed and puffed all the way to, clinging on to me and hospital crutches - they assessed her and said - your sight is actually pretty good, you can drive, and we've no idea why you're using sticks to walk. She then ditched the sticks, started driving, more or less within hours (!). I don't think it was intentional, I think she was shaken by the accident, but ....

Anyway, she's started dropping hints about not being able to cope if she goes home after 3 weeks. Tbf her sight won't be fully back, she won't be able to drive for another few weeks, she lives alone, she's 80....

But I just feel SO resentful, and manipulated, and knackered. I want my home back. I already had her stay for 5 weeks after the accident, where her care needs were extreme. I have to look after her dog as well as my own (permanently, apparently), I work FT, have 2 kids with disabilities, commute, am battling perimenopause, yadda yadda yadda. She never looked after me when I was a kid AND no one else in my sodding family will step up even one tiny bit. Made worse by the fact that she won't ask them herself!!!

AIBU in taking her home after the follow-up, if all is well??? She has this wonderful knack of making me feel entirely responsible for her. She has another child she could ask, after all...

God that's long, sorry. TL;DR: Am I being a big meanie making my mum go home 3 weeks after an op because I'm kinda done with being her carer?

You have every right to your house, time and sanity back.

No you’re not, but someone is probably going to have to be her carer. Can she afford some paid help? A friend, anything? Other than that you’re going to have to get tough with your other sibling. It’s absolutely not fair for it to all be on you, you’ve got a lot on your plate.

No not unreasonable.

You need to have a conversation pronto about how she will support herself WHEN she goes home in 3 weeks.

Be clear you are not an option.

Please look at getting some support for her at home - county council website adult social care a good first step.
you deserve a break.

Yanbu not one tiny little bit!

You are not being mean to send her back home, she needs to get used to it.

my mum had a mini stroke and lost sight in one eye for a period of time, she had double vision too and It made her quite disorientated however she only allowed me to stay over one night and she sent me home and has managed ever since by herself. Her vision has mostly came back but she wouldn’t want to rely on anyone.

Sounds like what she wants and what she actually needs are distant strangers.

Do not feel guilty.

She is an adult, she clearly has capacity and despite her wanting to be looked after (who wouldn't) it's still up to her to look after herself, or find help if she needs it.

It is common for people to want to be cared for when it is better for them, physical, mentally and cognitively to care for herself - even if this takes her much longer.

Time to have the either/or conversation with her. Go home or move. She's either ok to live on her own or she's not. If she's crying a lot, is she too scared to go home alone? What sort of carers does she need to enable her to continue living in her own home? If she says no amount of carers would be enough, she has to decide what sort of residential care would suit her best (warden-assisted complex?). Tell her frankly that living in your house with no care package is not an option: you simply can't cope without help, which means carers coming in to look after her needs. Good luck.

YANBU. I helped my mum after a hip replacement and a week of that was bad enough. And mum was very grateful and appreciative and did not moan and complain. Your mother sounds like she's laying it on a bit thick - making out her sight is a lot worse than it is, and that she can't walk when she can.

So either she goes back home and gets on with it, or she accepts that she needs proper carers and needs to pay for that.

Oh can I just say this and not be called a totally, unloving a-hole? It is undeniably one of the most difficult times in life when we become our parents' mother. And it comes at a time when we're trying to raise our own children. You feel literally squeezed dry.
There is a line from a song, the woman is the mother of the heart of the world. And what a beautiful line.
But we can't do it all. And you can't do it all. You can still be a loving, caring, giving daughter while also setting a boundary. We don't set boundaries because we are selfish. We set boundaries for self preservation; so that we literally don't break. It's a really important and unselfish thing to do.

It's clear you love your mum and care about her needs. But caring for her shouldn't cost you your sanity.
I'd start looking into getting her some home help. This gives you some breathing space so that you can deal with her on terms that work best for you. Is there a chance your siblings will be willing to go in on the cost for her home care?

Why would she need a carer if her sight has been assessed as good enough to drive 🤷‍♂️ get her back to her home @Borntorunfast doing her no favours to become dependent when there is no need!

Your mum? The one that spent many many years raising you and looking after you?

nah, kick her out

No, you have way too much on your plate and you've done your bit.

People that age who live alone with limitations can apply for attendance allowance and put it towards carer or home help support in their own home.

By taking pity on her, you might have saved the discharge team from assessing her home and setting up some initial support, which would have been good timing for starting some kind of care package as she couldn't really have argued.

She'll gradually get used to the idea if she can't manage independently. It's a big adjustment at first and does take a while. The help is out there, please don't feel guilty for not wanting to do this for her any longer, it sounds really draining for you.

Time to say “tag your it” to your sibling!

between you you need a plan to help with care when she goes home but make it clear that care can’t be you. I would be tempted to book a holiday as a family for a few weeks after if possible just to physically remove yourself from the picture!

When you say she never looked after you, do you mind me asking more? Do you mean she never raised you and you were raised by others? Adopted? Foster care?

Responses like this are so telling that the poster cannot think outside of their own frame of reference and specific set life experiences for even a fraction of a second.

Maybe your mum did that, maybe OPs mum didn’t. And even if she did, she’s not owed anything for fulfilling her legal responsibility to care for her own child so your point is reductive nonsense.

I feel like her dropping hints about not coping is the perfect way to Segway into a discussion on securing additional support for her and what she thinks she will need to be able to cope as you’ve got to get to your other responsibilities and claw back your sanity!

Spot on. See also the people who pop onto a thread with someone whose parent is in the advanced stages of dementia or similar and says "oh I love my mum, I could NEVER put her in a home!"

People just don't have a clue.

'She never looked after me when I was a kid AND no one else in my sodding family will step up even one tiny bit'

I could tell from your OP that there was a huge backstory, and that your feelings went way deeper than just this recent situation. I can relate, and I feel your pain. She was not a good mother to you as a child, and is now trying to manipulate you and guilt trip you into being at her beck and call. I'm not remotely surprised that you're feeling overwhelmed and resentful!

I agree with others that you are a person in your own right, and you are entitled to your own home, in peace and quiet and sanity. You have done a lot for your mother already, it's definitely time to put down some big red lines. She won't like it one bit, but it's still ok for you to do this. It won't be easy, but you can do it

This is your opportunity to get cleaner/gardener/home help/carers whatever is need in place so they are there for the future/next crisis! Send her home with help in place.

Tbf, she didn't spend many years raising me and looking after me. I parented myself from about the age of 12. Having my own kids has made me realise how shit that was. I mean, I learned to be independent, sure, but I also had some awful experiences and no one to turn to. She also asked a lot of me then, too.

I'm not heartless btw. I do SO much for her, not just now but all the time. So yeah you can be super snarky if you like and I appreciate your view, but your argument doesn't quite work in this scenario.

ALSO: I don't expect my kids to look after me and am making plans so they won't have to. Because I'm a grown up and I know how this ends. And I HAVE worked hard to raise and care for them.

@Borntorunfast I really know where you are coming from, you have showed love and care for your mum despite her failings you have experienced from her.

My sense is she is lonely and enjoying being looked after. But this is neither fair nor sustainable for either of you.

Just a thought maybe have a return home date, and either visit her more often then slowly withdraw, ask other sibling to get involved, or have her stay with you after return to her home and reduce that too.

You really must not succumb to childish crying behaviour, and if she does it change the subject.

Another option is to directly ask her if she wants to live with you and tell her why this is not possible.

tell her you are worried she wont cope, but that unfortunately she can't stay with you, so you have arranged to go an view some care homes.

She will be gone by Saturday lunchtime.

She never looked after me when I was a kid

You clearly did not read OP’s thread properly