How to manage coparenting at distance?

[talliani]

Tricky one. Separated from my son's dad when he was a baby. Went through court. Very difficult. Lots of domestic abuse from him to me so he is only allowed to communicate with me through a third party. He lives around 4 hours away from me. I moved away. He tried to argue in court for me to do travelling and thankfully the judge was excellent and said due to me fleeing a genuine threat, the mive was justified and sensible and travelling is all on him (she put this in the order).

Problems arise due to my son's competitive sport. It's a solo sport and he takes part in numerous tournaments. He loves it and if he misses days he doesn't qualify, cue huge upset when his friends are getting trophies and he isn't. Whenever there have been opportunities near his dad i have made the effort to book them snd drive him to his dad's the night before so they can have time together. Son likes going to his dad's house.

I am as flexible as I can be and if his dad lived nearer it would be easier as he could just take him, but he doesn't.

Currently trying to arrange summer holidays and it is a nightmare as he also has another child and is trying to coordinate seeing both children. He has given me two sets of 5 days over the summer, both falling over weekends so is only helping with our son for about 5 days in total. He claims no annual leave and won't take unpaid despite having money for tattoos and holidays.

Do I just stand firm on his sport being really important or does his dad trump this?

Feeling very lost and protective over my son's wellbeing. He had autism and adhd and his sport brings him a lot of solace away from the school system.

Thoughts?

I had it put into my court order that the children were the final word in whether I agreed to a visit or not (he wasn't prepared to have a schedule - I just get 2 weeks notice, and can say yes or no if we're busy/the kids don't want to - I do gently encourage of course, so that rarely happens)

In your case, I would prioritise the sport, but make it clear that's what you're doing.

Fair enough. I thought that was clear as 5 people commented saying prioritise the sport before I started being questioned so they obviously got it. But I havr clarified now

I understood perfectly op. I also.co parent at a similar distance..well, I think the term 'parallel parenting' is more accurate. We very rarely discuss the kids. They are with me 98% of the time and he chooses not to ask, check.in, show interest so he's not really parenting.
As to.your specific question..now mine are teens they say if and when they go. When.they were younger there were times when they missed things due to contact time and I regret not standing .up to him more. Its good that your ds has a good relationship with him but if he's not prepared to show some flexibility, give some of his annual leave to see and prioritise his son, why should your son give up his sport, miss out on trophies to see him?

It was unclear bc on the one hand you seemed to want to prioritise the sport (which makes sense to me), but on the other you were saying something about being exhausted, not having enough annual leave, and that despite him abusing you, you trusted him to be a good dad and your son liked visiting him. (I have doubts about anyone abusive - they tend to change quickly. And I wouldn’t want a son to be raised and influenced by a man who abuses women).

He's hardly being raised by the abusive man - he's visiting him occasionally.

Like fuckeditupbadly my kids are teens now, they see their dad for a day, once or twice a month. Effort level is matched. They at best, don't mind going (they rarely notice when he skips and they don't see him for a month)

I get why OP was saying she was exhausted though - because never having a break is exhausting. It's the bind we find ourselves in - coping, resenting, but also knowing that there's nothing to be done about it, not least because yes, minimising bad influences also preys on our mind, whilst also wanting to maintain the relationship - both for the child, and for that blessed few hours where you're not the one responsible for them.