How to manage coparenting at distance?

[talliani]

Tricky one. Separated from my son's dad when he was a baby. Went through court. Very difficult. Lots of domestic abuse from him to me so he is only allowed to communicate with me through a third party. He lives around 4 hours away from me. I moved away. He tried to argue in court for me to do travelling and thankfully the judge was excellent and said due to me fleeing a genuine threat, the mive was justified and sensible and travelling is all on him (she put this in the order).

Problems arise due to my son's competitive sport. It's a solo sport and he takes part in numerous tournaments. He loves it and if he misses days he doesn't qualify, cue huge upset when his friends are getting trophies and he isn't. Whenever there have been opportunities near his dad i have made the effort to book them snd drive him to his dad's the night before so they can have time together. Son likes going to his dad's house.

I am as flexible as I can be and if his dad lived nearer it would be easier as he could just take him, but he doesn't.

Currently trying to arrange summer holidays and it is a nightmare as he also has another child and is trying to coordinate seeing both children. He has given me two sets of 5 days over the summer, both falling over weekends so is only helping with our son for about 5 days in total. He claims no annual leave and won't take unpaid despite having money for tattoos and holidays.

Do I just stand firm on his sport being really important or does his dad trump this?

Feeling very lost and protective over my son's wellbeing. He had autism and adhd and his sport brings him a lot of solace away from the school system.

Thoughts?

Prioritise the kid, the dad can fit round that and like it or lump it. I’m sure the judge would relish another chance to tell him he’s useless.

What does the contact order actually say?

Sorry, I don't understand how the sport and the summer holidays are linked?

Could you move a bit closer than 4 hours travel? It would be pretty much impossible for me to co-parent at that distance and my son would definitely suffer.

Ds may like going to his Dad's house, but a- it's interfering with his sport, and b- his dad is a bastard, so if I were you I'd aim for prioritising his sport.

Because he only has him overnight in holidays due to the distance. Not a chance I am moving away from my family and closer to my abuser.

It is long. States 2-3 nights in holidays, one day every other week where he has to travel where we live. He has to do the travelling. Only to communicate via a third party. They're the main bits.

How old is your son? Could you ask for his input to help you decide? Which would he rather do?

If the deadbeat is only having him a few overnights a year, he can work around his son's beloved sport.

I wouldn’t do anything except for son’s sport. Ex can do all driving and if he doesn’t he doesn’t get the time.

For the one day every other week, with him travelling, can’t he take DS to his sports events if it falls on his weekend?

For the summer holiday, he’s supposed to have him 12-18 days but he’s only offering 10 days? You could go back to court to have it written in (that you have alternate full weeks, for instance) but presumably it’s in DS’s interests to see his half sibling, and it’d be a lot of hassle.

He is 8. He wants to do his sport.

No it's 2-3 nights per holiday, not per week in the holiday.

So he’s supposed to have him only 2-3 nights for the whole of the summer holidays? And he wants 5?

If DS was happy to go and you had no other concerns, I’d allow that. It seems weird to be complaining about him not taking annual leave when he’s actually asking for more time than was agreed?

You have a very low bar, clearly.

Not really, your arguments are incoherent which is why you’ve had barely any responses.

It’s a long journey. Plus he doesn’t sound like he puts his son first anyway so why would you want him to have your son more?

Id choose one of the 5 days or just say sorry it’s not convenient.

I've just read all of my posts and think incoherent is a bit harsh, they all make sense (I think!) unless you are a bit dense in which case I can see how they might be incoherent. My post was about whether I was reasonable saying no to him having him on his sporting days and you seem to have rail roaded this into an argument. Thanks to all who have responded sensibly. Not always easy to say no to your abuser.

It’s not always easy to say no to them but I’ve found the more you do it the more confident you get at it!

My son likes going. They have fun together. The abuse was never directed at our son. I have 15 weeks of annual leave to cover throughout the year. The unpaid leave is crippling me on a solo wage. I get 25 days of paid leave. I never get a night to myself and am exhausted. All of those reasons. Selfish maybe but we have been separated 7 years and he has never harmed our child in any way nor do I believe he would. His abuse was directed at me and stemmed around jealousy and him believing i would cheat on him.

This is unclear.

I can’t imagine how co parenting at that distance would work well for anyone. Your ex does an 8 hour round trip once a week to see his ds for a few hours? And if he takes him back to his then your ds is having to do all that travel too? I get you wanting to be away from him but this is never going to be a situation where contact is straightforward.

I know it isn't straightforward but the courts have ordered it. I don't feel guilty for moving back to my family though, I was so isolated before.

I think you have missed out some vital information OP, because your posts don't make sense. A PP has asked you to clarify and you haven't. It may all make sense to you, but it doesn't to anyone else.

The question was whether his dad wanting to have him on very specific dates over the summer holidays and not being flexible trumps my son's sport which he will miss if we stick with the dates from his dad when there are plenty more available when my son is free. If he misses his sports he doesn't qualify after having put a tonne of work in and being desperate to do his sport. The first few posts seemed to get it. I wanted to know if I was being reasonable in asking him to do different dates. Or whether his seeing his dad trumps this and he just has to go.

The bit that you missed was that the days your ex has suggested, clash with your son's sporting commitments.