Aibu to expect my husband to manage work/life better or is this normal?

[chailatte85]

I am wondering if I’m BU here as my husband says I am.
With the weather being so good yesterday I decided I’d do a bbq so I went and bought all the food, salads ect and prepped so that I could stick it on when my husband got home. He knew I was doing a bbq as I had checked with him. I even picked up a bottle of wine and made up a few different salads ect. Kids were excited too.
My husband got home from work about 18:30 and within minutes has to take an important work call to try fix something. This call went on for over an hour in the kitchen where I was trying to get sorted and I ended up having to feed the kids their food as it was getting late.
I understand some things happen ect but it’s becoming a more regular occurrence with him. A few weeks ago we were leaving to watch our DDs perform in a show and he had his laptop with him as he had offered to do on-call for someone. The other morning he took a call at 6am and proceeded to try solve the issue whilst I was trying to sleep instead of going downstairs. Another time I booked an expensive restaurent for his birthday and whilst we were waiting at the bar he left for another 40 minutes to take a call.
He claims he’s a manager and it’s expected of him. I work too but my job mainly finishes when I finish.
I wasn’t happy yesterday and told him this and also highlighted how on Mondays he goes to the gym and Tuesday he manages to go for a long run after work and somehow those days never get affected by work calls or he will call them back afterwards. It then became a huge argument where he said I brought down the mood of the whole bbq instead of just enjoying it.
I also highlighted to him how he can plan things with his friends for example he’s out this weekend for a night out, and then he’s away in two weeks for a night away but not once has he booked any time off whilst the kids are on their summer holidays to do something with them despite talking last month of doing a beach day or taking our oldest ds and his friends to play golf.
Maybe it is the norm but I think what got me yesterday was I just see loads of friends/families and neighbours out and about together as a family enjoying the good weather whereas I don’t feel I have that with my husband.

I think you’ve come so close to nailing the exact point. When he is in the pub or gym or playing golf, he’s not working and not available so he doesn’t take work calls. When he’s supposed to be home with his family or when he’s out with his family or out with his wife, apparently that’s not important enough to fence off so he’s available and takes work calls. Very regularly as he has to fit all his out of hours work into his available time and he has quite a bit of gym and friend time he can’t possibly use for that. Because that, unlike his family, is important to him. My conversation would him would be very very very clear on what changes and what kind of single parent he’s very actively planning to be.

It depends if you also get some free time and what he contributes to overall quality of life. My DH is a workaholic - his absence from family life is/was compensated by:

Beautiful homes
The best schools/education for the DC
Ability to do wonderful things
Plenty of money invested

this was my life for 20 years , at the time I tried justifying it but he was just a selfish arsehole who didn’t want to do anything family wise , talk to him again but if things don’t change he’s really showing you who he is

The work thing has never bothered me but not taking time to plan stuff with kids does / would. Tell him to pick a few days / half days even weekend days that are his with the kids. In order for you to get through summer you will need a few days break too. (Or like you say nice for him to have one to one with each one if they like different things )

For work to be encroaching on my life id want it to provide life- changing money. This is encroachment is affecting more than your husband. Is he choosing to be available to remove himself from responsibility at home knowing you will pick up the slack?

he said I brought down the mood of the whole bbq instead of just enjoying it.
If I've read this account correctly, he's asking you to enjoy something you've shopped for and prepped and half cooked as you had to feed the kids?

OP how do you know he doesn't get work calls when he's at the gym or out running?