Aibu to expect my husband to manage work/life better or is this normal?

[chailatte85]

I am wondering if I’m BU here as my husband says I am.
With the weather being so good yesterday I decided I’d do a bbq so I went and bought all the food, salads ect and prepped so that I could stick it on when my husband got home. He knew I was doing a bbq as I had checked with him. I even picked up a bottle of wine and made up a few different salads ect. Kids were excited too.
My husband got home from work about 18:30 and within minutes has to take an important work call to try fix something. This call went on for over an hour in the kitchen where I was trying to get sorted and I ended up having to feed the kids their food as it was getting late.
I understand some things happen ect but it’s becoming a more regular occurrence with him. A few weeks ago we were leaving to watch our DDs perform in a show and he had his laptop with him as he had offered to do on-call for someone. The other morning he took a call at 6am and proceeded to try solve the issue whilst I was trying to sleep instead of going downstairs. Another time I booked an expensive restaurent for his birthday and whilst we were waiting at the bar he left for another 40 minutes to take a call.
He claims he’s a manager and it’s expected of him. I work too but my job mainly finishes when I finish.
I wasn’t happy yesterday and told him this and also highlighted how on Mondays he goes to the gym and Tuesday he manages to go for a long run after work and somehow those days never get affected by work calls or he will call them back afterwards. It then became a huge argument where he said I brought down the mood of the whole bbq instead of just enjoying it.
I also highlighted to him how he can plan things with his friends for example he’s out this weekend for a night out, and then he’s away in two weeks for a night away but not once has he booked any time off whilst the kids are on their summer holidays to do something with them despite talking last month of doing a beach day or taking our oldest ds and his friends to play golf.
Maybe it is the norm but I think what got me yesterday was I just see loads of friends/families and neighbours out and about together as a family enjoying the good weather whereas I don’t feel I have that with my husband.

He really is selfish and this shows how he manages work to suit himself. It needs explaining that his kids will notice and resent that he treats them so badly. They may not say anything yet but they will already have noticed.
If the DC say anything be honest and do not become an accomplice to your DH's behaviour.

It sounds like his priorities (marathon rest, exercise, seeing friends) take precedence over work, and he can plan for this, but family life and time with you does not. I'd be very pissed off with that. And the first time he took a work call in our bedroom when I was asleep would be the last, that is so disrespectful.
Don't wait for him to be available before you do something enjoyable, plan for him to not be around. You've not got a present husband, but you're able to work part time, so that's the upside?

I honestly think men prioritise work over everything. I don’t get it and find it sad but then on the other side of it had dh not I suppose with me being in and out of work due to the kids (childcare issues and cost meant I’ve had to leave work a few times) and looking at all my friends who work three or four days due to kids I’m very torn as how would the house keep going in the principal breadearner hadn’t made work his priority. But then I’m back to the poor kids … but then it’s not just men, I know two women who are principle bread earners and their dh’s say they work too much etc

Sorry not much help, just … it’s similar here op

Exactly this.

Those who say that being available at all times comes with some jobs seem to have missed this.

And him disturbing OP’s sleep and dinner prep is just rude.

He sounds like a selfish prick. And to say you ruined the bbq by daring to raise your issues!

This call went on for over an hour in the kitchen where I was trying to get sorted
[...]
The other morning he took a call at 6am and proceeded to try solve the issue whilst I was trying to sleep instead of going downstairs.

One of two things is happening here:

1. He is 'willy waving' his massively important job, basically showing off to you about how he is the big man, so he takes these calls right in front of you and makes you listen to how vitally important he is.
2. He is utterly self-absorbed and thoughtless, and doesn't realise he should take himself out of the room for these calls.

Either way, you need to speak up - tell him in the bluntest terms "go into another room" - do this while he is on the call, in a loud voice, so you actually disrupt the call with your volume. Then he will have to go. If he pauses the call to tell you off for being loud and interrupting, don't apologise, just repeat that he needs to go into another room.

As for his lack of engagement with family and failure to use his annual leave for the family instead of himself - you could have discussions with him, but a leopard doesn't change its spots: if he is selfish then he is selfish, and you need to consider your options.

Another voice for 'you're not being unreasonable' here. It is the hypocrisy / inconsistency that jumps out here. If these were job demands that he genuinely could not avoid (and I fully accept that some people do have jobs where they are expected to do this sort of on-call / extra work in emergencies type of thing), he wouldn't be able to do the nights out with mates or the gym time uninterrupted either.

It sounds like he knows he does have to do extra things outside of 'normal' work hours, but he plans to sacrifice family time for these things rather than what he sees as the 'him' time.

I do think the work/life balance issue is quite a common one. I'm guilty of it with my own family sometimes - I will say yes to extra things or over-commit when I know my lovely DH will take up the slack for me, and that isn't fair of me really. Then again this extra work is a necessity and expectation for my job, it's something all my colleagues do too and I do think my career would suffer without it. My DH did know this when he supported me to take my current role.

In my case though I just don't do many hobbies or 1:1 friend things at all - largely because I feel guilty about doing them when my DH is sometimes doing more than his fair share with family life. I guess it wouldn't be great for your DH's wellbeing for him to have to sacrifice all of the 'him' things, but it does sound like he need a better balance!

It sounds like he has checked out of the responsibilities of family life. Can you perhaps book a day for yourself so he has to take the kids for the day?

I work in a job that could be all hours but I’ve just had to set boundaries. I’ll only work in the evening if I want to. There are surely other people who can pick up emergencies. He needs to work things out, not acceptable.

There's two only slightly related issues here:

The demands of the job: that genuinely may be something he can't help. My job is a bit like your husband's: I routinely have to take calls outside office hours, work in the evenings, sometimes at weekends. If a client wants something done at 9pm it gets done, no questions asked, I can't turn around and say 'I'm with my kids'. I'm in a senior role and if I didn't do these things we would lose the client and I would be hauled over the coals at minimum, possibly fired. Some jobs are like this and if you're the main breadwinner 'work life balance' is honestly a luxury you can't afford.

But, it doesn't sound like he is prioritising what free time he does have for family. If he's really busy at work all the time, family time should be next on the priority list ahead of bike rides or whatever. It's quite reasonable that he should be able to carve out time for family.

I wouldn't tackle it by having a go about the job because he has limited control over this. But you can demand that he prioritises family more in the free time he does have.

It's very easy to say it's 'sad' and 'poor kids' if you don't have to do it.

I'm the main breadwinner and was a single parent for years so if I didn't do it my child wouldn't have had food or somewhere to live.

My husband also works in IT and is pretty much permanently on call but it interrupts all of his time equally: including the entire Scotland game which he’d stayed up deliberately to watch. The fact it seems to disproportionately impact family time is, well, suspicious.

Just catching up now and thank you for all the comments. Yes I think that two things bothering me is the taking the work calls in our family space and the second one is the fact that these calls just never materialise when he’s at the gym or gone on his run. I think overall I understand the role he has and the need to take the calls but I definitely think I need to address the location of the calls and how his personal time is spent, I have no issue with the gym or running or nights out but I definitely shouldn’t be the only one doing stuff with the kids on my own

This call went on for over an hour in the kitchen

Why did it HAVE to be taken in the kitchen?
Is this where his office is set up?

If not, then I’d have just carried on doing the BBQ as planned and he can go into a different room.

You’ll know better that us whether the nature of his job and his level of responsibility requires him to take all these calls. Some of it, like the birthday dinner, is just plain rude.

From where I’m sitting, he isn’t succeeding in being a good partner or a good manager - a good manager should be setting and modelling boundaries, and building capability in their teams to deal with problems instead of bailing everyone out all the time.

My husbands job finishes at 4.30pm but im a manager and I often work till 7pm and sometimes later and it annoys my husband too. My wage is our bread and butter and he doesn't complain about that.
I do however go out of the way so I dont disturb others. Sometimes its hard not being in the other person's shoes when youre trying to do your job

I think you’ve done the right thing calling him out and giving specific examples. Yes job might be demanding but he can put boundaries in place to suit him.
It’s shitty on the children and unfair on you. They are off 6 weeks not even talking one day off with them but taking time off for hobby shows them they are last in mind.
I’d follow up with a proper conversation that you aren’t living like this. He can’t opt out of family life.
If time is so limited due to work he should be cutting back on hobbies and time with friends not his children and you.

He sounds like a dickhead who has checked out of family life. Not good.

I lived that on call life for 10 years and there is no doubt some calls do have to be taken regardless of time, location etc (taking a call on the balcony during a family holiday, the call 2am on Black Friday, xmas day afternoon all spring to mind!) BUT those calls only got to me because they were urgent.
His willingness to put work over family time but not over hobbies (I saw the references to marathon training, is he also a triathlete?!) is where he’s being shit but I saw it time after time where I used to work, the culture was very much “wife at home”, being a family man was encouraged but only in the 1950s sense, whereas sporting achievements like marathons and triathlons were lauded and actually seemed to work in favour come promotion time.
Time for a cards on the table talk about what you both actually want out of marriage/life etc

i use a headset now so it keeps both hands free when needed

I’d start there. No calls in family space. You and the dc ought not to be tip toeing round him using the kitchen as his office, that’s ridiculous.

Work expects more and more from us. The more we give, the more will be expected.

My first husband was like this. It took me awhile to realise that it wasn't that the job was soooo demanding that he had to be available 24/7, but that he'd rather be doing work stuff than be present for/in his family.

As you've already worked out, he can "turn work off" to do the nights out with mates and runs and gym, but won't do it to protect family time or time with you.

Same with the fact that he doesn't plan things ahead with younand the DCs - he doesn't really want to.

I'm sorry, it sucks.

This is an excellent take on the situation. He wants a family, but as his background.

My first husband was like this. It took me awhile to realise that it wasn't that the job was soooo demanding that he had to be available 24/7, but that he'd rather be doing work stuff than be present for/in his family

Back in the day, before I retired, it wasn’t unusual for men to stay at the office till 6.30-7 for no clear reason…….. though it was clear that, by the time they eventually got home, they would have missed their children’s bedtime…