To wonder if I’m considering an ADHD diagnosis to make up for my deficiencies

[Puppalicious]

Last week I happened to be away from home with work on my child’s birthday, I had to stay overnight so wasn’t there for the morning (we usually have balloons, card, maybe first of presents), talked lots about how upsetting this was, agreed with DH I would FaceTime etc. when I woke up that morning, I completely forgot. Didn’t enter my mind about the birthday until DH FaceTimed me (it was ok on the occasion because he just assumed I waited until he was ready). I really don’t think this is normal, and really makes me a self obsessed, and fairly shit mother.
I am always forgetting stuff. In parallel, I’ve been exploring a private adhd diagnosis. I passed the first stage as high probability but am ignoring their calls as I’ve started hrt and want to see if that helps (I’ve always been very scattered but sometimes lately I’ve felt like I’m losing my mind). But part of me is wondering if I’m just curious about an “excuse” for really being not a great person (eg not staying in touch very well, struggling to focus in conversations, being a bit shit around the house). AIBU to think I should maybe just go for the ADHD assessment even though part of me just thinks it’s an excuse (for me - not other people who genuinely have adhd)? Is it normal for your child’s birthday to go out of your head?

Or to be a good mother if you forget your child’s birthday?

I'd say it's normal as a busy possibly peri woman with potential ADHD to forget. When I'm travelling for work the family become a bit out of sight out of mind.

I would never forget my child's birthday, especially if I'm away and they were upset about that. As your test has come back as high probability yabu to ignore their calls as if you do have ADHD and meds would help then it's shit of you to put everyone through poor behaviour that could be improved with medication.

Get a thorough assessment. To get a diagnosis, you need to provide evidence from childhood and show impact on daily life. You can really invent this evidence. Perimenopause can exacerbate ADHD but the assessors know what they are looking for.

Technically ADHD is partly a deficit but not one you can control easily

ADHD or not I think you need to change your mindset it’s not helpful.

You need to remove the moral judgement (good or bad) from your behaviours. Telling yourself you’re a shit mother and self obsessed because you forgot to call isn’t helpful.

Yes, same for me. I do actually adore them though! Child wasn’t upset though, all assumed I was waiting for the call. And in fairness I had said to my dh about FaceTime the night before, and it made more sense for him to call when ready. The fact it completely went out of my head though - what if I hasn’t been by my phone. My DH does pick up a lot of the load.

Perimenopause tends to be the time a lot of women’s ADHD gets worse/unmanageable. It’s common to find that traits that were there all along (but you managed with) just get much worse and your normal systems dont work. There’s a YouTuber who talks about this - maybe Dr Helen wall?

So it’s likely that HRT will help a bit but not totally deal with the issue.

You want to get an ADHD diagnosis to make you feel better for forgetting your child's birthday?

Why do you want the diagnosis? What good will it do? If it’s a private company I can tell you now you will get a diagnosis!
I guess you can be yet another woman who tells all her friends about it. Loads in my circle.

I checked their diagnosis rates when I started the process, I think it was 50% for self referrals - maybe less? I’m not sure what good it would do. That’s why I’m wondering am I only doing it to give myself an excuse. I did manage to improve my social life by reading up on why adhd people struggle and then implementing some of the strategies (ie I put a reminder in my phone to text people) so I know I don’t need a diagnosis to implement strategies. I guess it’s a lovely idea to think that medication could solve some of my problems but then I know that has side effects.
and obviously I’m not seeking an adhd diagnosis because of forgetting my child’s birthday, I had started the process before last week that’s only the latest incident.

OP it's fairly common for guilt to go with ADHD. You're clearly not a shit mother. Go ahead with the assessment. It might make you take yourself seriously and allow yourself to acknowledge that some things are very difficult for you instead of beating yourself up.

You are obviously not an uncaring and neglectful parent OP. It happens! The suggestion seems to be that if you forget something more important, it's more likely to be pathological, when in reality, you're a very busy person away for work and juggling all the pressures that modern life brings (and on top there's this constant undercurrent of fearing how dire the future will be). And how is that we recognise that parents leaving kids in cars is a situational thing which could happen to us all, whereas your moment of forgetting means you must have a rare kind of brain?

If this private company are chasing you with calls that sounds like a bit of an amber flag.

I've no idea why some posters are trying to make you feel bad for this, by the way!

I have constant lists and reminders to reply to people in my phone, for what it's worth. I don't have ADHD, it's just that they are tasks I don't look forward to so I'm more likely to forget them or procrastinate. But I think these habits and outsourcing of memory can also have an effect on recall and behaviour. Bit of a catch-22.

I guess it depends on what the diagnosis will give you. You’ve clearly managed relationships, family life and working life to a good enough standard thus far, so what difference will a possible diagnosis make? It may allow you to access medication but you sound in two minds about that.

i wonder if being more accepting of your limitations might help? You didn’t miss the birthday, you were away from home presumably with a busy day ahead of you - it’s not that unusual to forget a phone call/facetime. I do worry that anything less than perfect performance in every aspect of life turns into a need for some form of diagnosis, rather than recognition that modern life asks too much of people - particularly mums. It’s normal to be a bit disorganised and distracted when there’s a million pulls on your time and energy.

Go for the assessment. Peri really does make the wheels fall off with neurodivergence. I thought I was going mad. 6 years on with a dual diagnosis of autism and ADHD, my life is so much better. Hrt has given me my brain back, and ADHD meds have given me some executive function that was sorely lacking.

I do still have days where my brain is marshmallow though!

Times of hormonal fluctuation can play havoc with neurodivergence. That's one of the reasons you see so many kids struggle so much with the move from primary to secondary school. Pregnancy can mush your brain too.

The birthday forgetting, read up on object permanence.

Finally, if you were a shit mum, you wouldn't care.

One more thing! The biggest thing that my diagnoses gave me was that I'm not shit at life - there is a very good reason why I struggle with stuff that others find so easy. Validation of this should not be underestimated or undervalued.

There’s a lot of truth in this, I do have a lot on my plate - a demanding job that takes up huge headspace and the logistics of several children - even thought I do have help including a hands on husband. I’m definitely in 2 minds. At the same time, my brain has always felt different, often completely scattered and fussy, other times focused, and when a decade ago I was reading around why a family member might be struggling in school I read about inattentive adhd and it was like - oh. I do think, whatever about autism, adhd is definitely on a spectrum, and I would be on the mild end if I get diagnosed. So why do it?

I don't think this makes you a bad mum at all. The fact you were so upset about missing the morning and had planned to FaceTime shows how much you care.
It sounds more like forgetfulness than not caring. If you've always struggled with memory, organisation and focus, I'd be inclined to go ahead with the ADHD assessment rather than dismissing it as making excuses.
Getting assessed isn't about finding an excuse, it's about getting answers.

Thanks for everybody’s input. I think I’ll go ahead with the diagnosis, just to know.

This, definitely this.

Interestingly I had similar thoughts when I forgot to ring my mum on a big birthday. I knew the date because I had written it on a form before we left for nursery/work, it just...didn't register?!
Rang her later on as I usually do and quickly realised after she mentioned opening cards. Felt so unbelievably shit. It was obvious to her despite me fluffing that kids were arguing and we couldn't talk etc.
I can totally see how the child's birthday would slip your mind. You're not a shit mum. You made arrangements for the birthday which proved useful.
I have had an ADHD assessment and the outcome was that I have traits of it which have become a problem in last few years with 2 preschoolers, low oestrogen with breastfeeding, more responsibility at work and exhaustion. No diagnosis as I don't have enough of the impact in childhood or young adult life. ADHD-like state they said, on a background of traits. I agree with their conclusion tbh. But I dread to think what perimenopause will hold. It's been useful to know that medication isn't the magic cure for me, and I'm not missing out on something that could help. Sleep is!
I think you should get the assessment.

Whether or not you have a diagnosis isn't going to make your behaviour more forgiveable to your child

Careful, your disapproval is showing! You know absolutely nothing. At all.