AIBU to mind my friend's husband joining our plans every time?

[friendshipscanbehardwork]

I've started noticing a pattern with a friend of mine and I'm not sure if I'm overthinking it.

DH and I are good friends with another couple, and we genuinely enjoy spending time with them together. But quite often now, if I arrange to meet just the wife for drinks or dinner or if she arranges the same with me, I'll get a text really late on always when I'm already on my way saying her husband is coming too.

I like him and we all get on well so it's not that I don't want to see him. It's more that when I make plans with her, I'm expecting a catch-up between the two of us. I'll often have things I want to talk through or vent about that I wouldn't necessarily bring up with him there. Some things are easier to talk about on a 1-to-1 basis.

If it happened occasionally I wouldn't think twice about it, but it's becoming the norm. I feel like she is trying to restrict our socialising to always being all 4 of us.

Would this bother anyone else?

Could you say “let’s have a girls night - I’ll leave my husband at home so we can have a good gossip” or whatever fits the tone of your relationship. It’s a bit awkward but I guess maybe make clearer when you agree to meet who you’re expecting to be there, gives you something to push back against

Maybe you do too much venting...

I think next time she does this say “oh that’s a shame - I was looking forward to it being just the two of us. I had something quite personal I wanted to discuss and will not feel comfortable doing it in front of Bob. Let’s take a rain check and reorganise for another time”.

Do it often enough and maybe she’ll get the message?

YANBU. She knows she’s doing it. That’s why she leaves it until the last minute so you can’t say anything. I would stop bothering. She’s obviously not bothered about 121 friendship, so leave it.

I'll give that a try. Maybe being more explicit would help. Tbf, she always knows I've left DH at home because it takes me at least 45 minutes to get to hers, so it's pretty obvious I've come on my own.

But you're right, I've never actually framed it as, "let's have a girls night" or said I was hoping for some 1-to-1 time.

Entirely possible.

Gosh, MN is awash with this problem at the moment.

Yes it would bother me OP, which is why I would've mentioned it to her.

I could do that, thx! But tbh it would make me slightly anxious. If I have something I want to vent about I try to find a good moment to bring it up (and sometimes don't do it) so the idea that I'm going to prep her that there will be some kind of juicy venting session seems a bit stressful.

Also don't want to make him feel like I have a problem with him.

That sounds annoying OP. Agree with explicitly calling it a 'girls night' and seeing what she does. Don't call it '1 to 1 time', that sounds a bit intense.

If she still tries to bring her DH, then for whatever reason she doesn't want to hang out with just you and I'd keep it to just couples.

Either the DH is a bit controlling and doesn’t like her going out for drinks without him, or she wants some sort of buffer zone in the conversation (possibly finds you a bit intense). Is she as close a friend as you think? Or just a situational friend…

Unless they are one of those “we do everything together” couples? In which case she probably doesn’t do “friends”.

Defo not calling it 1to1 time irl. have labelled it as "brunch" "drinks" "dinner" and "catch up" but never "girls night". will try "girls night" going forward

@Thepeopleversuswork The opposite also happens: if her husband and my DH have planned to meet for a few drinks, she'll "expand the plan" and self-invite herself and me.

Is this you from the other day @friendshipscanbehardwork ? Very similar scenario.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/5550206-friend-brought-her-husband-to-long-planned-dinner-with-old-friends?page=1

Whether it was or not, I do think a friend bringing her husband along is ridiculous. Changes the dynamic completely. I would say I don't want to arrange to see her again. I'd have to say 'sorry Julie but when you bring Steve, it makes me feel a bit weird talking in front of him. So we'd be better off not arranging to meet again...'

Not me but will read that thread. weirdly similar even!

@DameOfThrones I should have searched before posting but honestly didn't think this there was some kind of epidemic of this happening rn

why don’t just say oh ok how about you just go with your husband and we can meet another time to have a girls catch up …. This would really irk me!

Urgh they just sound a bit clingy and codependent. I can’t deal with people who have no concept of an identity outside their marriage.

Maybe that's the reason he comes because your not fun on your own

lol would love to do that, but don't want to ruin a good thing we have (the 4 of us) if doing that would piss her off

then why is she suggesting that we hang out in the first place? it's almost always her idea. i then feel i need to reciprocate occasionally by suggesting so she doesn't feel like i dont care about seeing her

Maybe she’s lining you up for a threesome… 😜🤣😀

Don't know if you saw this which I posted earlier: The opposite also happens: if her husband and my DH have planned to meet for a few drinks, she'll "expand the plan" and self-invite herself and me.

It has also happened on a 'larger' scale: we've gone to see them and then found out once we are there that they also arranged to meet another couple - somewhere else - and then suddenly we have to go hang out with another couple (that we're not friends with but she talks about a lot so she'll say "you know John and Jane, they're the people who [I have gossiped about extensively each time we see you]")

I don't really mind that but find it most bothersome when I've prepped to meet on a 121 basis and her DH joins.

Some people have a more the merrier approach. I don’t , so I would be pissed off spending my precious time with strangers.

Perhaps she really does prefer to have her DH there, I would just stick to the four of you if she's not into girls nights, can't say I'm much into girl's nights just not my thing. But if it was arranged as such I wouldn't bring my DH.

I think I would try this and then ask her gently and separately why she always brings her dh. I'd find this really weird. Is he controlling?

Does sound like they are weirdly co-dependent and do everything together. Do you have any mutual friends who might be able to shed light on whether they do this all the time or just with you?

You could say, the day before or when arranging, just to check, is this just us two or guys coming? So I can let husband know.
My husband is friends with my friends too, I generally assume if it's all women , it's a womans night, I'm I'm unsure I ask, and other times they say, and bring husband too, I make it very clear I understand some vibes are different than others. Same with husbands friends groups, I join in, give them space, say hello then bugger off.