How would you feel in about this comment about your kids?

[bitmiffed26]

Firstly, I don’t plan on doing or saying anything about my feelings, because I don’t think it’s the biggest issue ever, BUT it has left a bit of a bad taste in my mouth. Wondering if others would feel the same?

my kids go to a weekend club. 8 and 12 years old, just over 3 years between them.
by chance, a different club my youngest attends went to the weekend club to do the activity. Obviously she knows all the people who work there, as she see them at the weekend club.

at some point during the session, the guy leading it was talking to another parent there (from what we can tell, he doesn’t know her outside of this one session) and said ‘oh, have you not met OP’s other daughter?’ And when she said no he said ‘I’ve never known anyone to bicker as much as OP’s kids do’

Now, my first feeling is to be mortified, and we have told the kids exactly what was said, so they know that it’s being noticed and it’s not ok. We’ve said they have to shape up or we’ll stop them attending.

Theres another feeling of being a bit miffed that he’s spoken this way about my children to a random stranger, not only to him but to us!

I’m not doubting that they do bicker (I don’t attend the club, my partner does and he was the one this was said in front of last night), but I would have thought that if it was to the point of being an issue within the club and was a distraction to others attending, or a safety issue or anything like that they would have told us, her parents, that it was, rather than someone it had absolutely nothing to do with.

Would you feel the same? Or do you think it’s my embarrassment trying to find a different outlet?

to add - he obviously didn’t say OPs children, he used their names but I won’t share them here for obvious reasons.

It was unprofessional to mention someone else's kids behaviour to another parent - but it's probably better to focus on the kids behaviour going forward than make a huge fuss about a throwaway comment.

Did they want your partner to overhear in the hope they might do something about it do you think?

If others are commenting then you certainly are not doing enough to stop it, either in the home OR outside where other people can witness it. Does one child start it more than the other?

That’s not what gossiping is. It was said in front of your husband so maybe the staff member was trying to make a point. I’d be telling my kids to get a handle on it as they’re obviously annoying to others.

If they’re arguing that much that other people are noticing and commenting it’s an issue. They’re meant to be attending a club where they should be engaged and busy, it must be extremely frustrating for the people running it to have children constantly bickering and also distracting for the other kids.

That’s what I wondered. In which case it was more wet lettuce than unprofessional.

If something is the truth I would accept it as that, of they said how wonderfully behaved they are to the same person would people complain that was unprofessional and would you be upset by that?

But people can say they would still think it was unprofessional i wouldn't

Is the guy " leading the activity" a paid professional or a volunteer?
I would think a teacher who talked in this way to another parent totally unprofessional, but not hold a volunteer basketball coach to exactly the same standards.

I also don't think that a comment is the same as gossip, you send your kids out into the world the outside world is going to have an opinion.

And lastly I know you're embarrassed, but I wouldn't worry OP.. bickering siblings are not uncommon 😅

If they bicker a lot, would it not be better to have them in different activities? My DDs have 3.5 years between them and most things they had to do separately anyway due to the age gap, and because they like different things. They did dance together, though at different levels/ groups within one class. It was too exhausting for them to bicker anyway!

Also 12 is so much older than 8. They both need their own headspace, their own hobbies, with their own friends.

My two get on well at age 20/17 now but they certainly had a lot of usual sibling falling out when they were younger. They are both very different but mostly this actually works.

They are engaged and busy - but they also have to work together on the activity. They were placed together as partners by the club leader.

I would hope that if it was off putting and distracting we would have been told, or they would have told the girls themselves, rather than a random woman.

if either of those things had happened, this thread wouldn’t have been made.

Did your partner say anything at the time @bitmiffed26 ?
Or did he come home, tell you and you are now telling us?

said it knowing that he is their father. He takes them every week.
I don’t think my partner said anything, he was as mortified as I was when he told me.

Paid professional. He works at the centre the activity takes place at. It’s also not the cheapest club for them to attend

Not many club practitioners will have siblings in the same group. Of course it happens, but I wouldn’t say it’s common.

It’s a very mild, off the cuff comment and I wouldn’t think twice about it. Then again I do have twins who can, sometimes, bicker non stop, and even get physical with each other sometimes (at home only), so I’m probably pretty desensitised.

This man should have spoken to one of you directly and privately But given DH was listening, perhaps he was trying to get the message over in a less confrontational way. Probably best to focus on the content of the complaint rather than the way it was made.

I read this is they bicker amongst themselves, which is just normal sibling behaviour. It’s a bit off talking to someone else about it, but I don’t think it’s a criticism particularly, more an observation of sibling relationships. It’s not even particularly something to need resolving if its not arguing the toss with the coaches, or causing disruption for other children. It’s the same level as saying ‘Ive never met two such tall children, or two such sporty children, or two children who get on so well’ Bicker is such a mild word to use too.

In my experience, all siblings go through phases where either they get on great and then they gang up on you, or they can’t stand each other breathing in the same room. Just when you think you might need to live in two separate houses, it all changes.

I would presume if he said this in front of your partner that it was a lighthearted comment and not a heavy criticism of your children. Not the most professional behaviour but if he said it in a jokey way he probably thought he was being funny!. In a way, he's done you a favour as now you have a addressed it with your girls and they'll rein it in a bit (which might have been his intention?)

I feel for you OP, I have 2 DD's with a 3 year gap who have bickered since the youngest was 18 months. Like yours they reserved their behaviour for home and upsetting or being told off by another adult would have horrified them.

When they were younger they went to some of the same clubs but were never paired up, which is just as well or that would likely have been a trigger point for them and tensions would definitely have built up. Perhaps asking them to be paired with other kids might help a bit?

Mine are now 21 and 18 and while they still have their moments they are super close. Tbh, even when they were younger and bickering they'd 100% back each other up against us or anyone else. Take on one and you take on both.

He shouldn’t have said that no, I agree with other posters that you were probably embarrassed, however siblings bicker and fight its not unusual!
I used to lock my brother in the cupboard (good times 😂) and my mum used to go batshit , we grew out of it so will your kids.

Its a bit unprofessional to comment in it but it must be happening a lot at the club for it to be noticed. Maybe look at separate clubs for them. I have 3 kids and they all do separate clubs so they can spend time apart from each other and meet new friends without a sibling tagging along. Also 3 year age gap means they may have different interests and might want to pursue them. I think sibling bickering and rivalry is inevitable if they are doing clubs etc together.

I am not sure why you would remove things with children for bickering. I know it is a thing but I think explaining how to communicate in better ways is more effective. It is simply unacceptable.

They were placed together as partners by the club leader.

My first step would be to ask them not to do this. Putting siblings as partners in a club project is really odd, and if they're known to bicker, it's asking for trouble.

I mean, it’s not very professional but it sounds like it was a throwaway comment, I’d have a chat with them about their behaviour in public and try and address the root cause rather than shoot the messenger.
I sympathise as my kids are world class bickerers and can be quite noisy/unpleasant but we’ve tried to emphasise that it’s not appropriate outside the house and everyone else does not want to hear this. It has kind of worked, not fully!

I'd say that's really unprofessional. It doesn't actually matter if they do bicker or not (and you can deal with that as you need to) but saying it to another parent is really not OK. I had some training at my DS's primary school to do a bit of volunteering and it was one of the things covered - say nothing to other parents or even kids own parents about them! If the leader needed to discuss your DC's bickering he should have done that confidentially with you or their Dad.

Oh my word I'm so glad this doesn't just happen to me and I'm not the only one!! Take it as it was meant, an off the cuff comment. And maybe bollock them privately. My kids are dicks to each other most of the time. The rest of the time they are having a love in.

We have explained that it’s not an acceptable way to behave, and that the to and fro between them makes for a pretty miserable atmosphere at home. They get told to stop, and if they don’t listen they get the consequence of getting the privilege of screen time removed. I don’t think that’s a particularly strange method.
what would you suggest instead?