How would you feel in about this comment about your kids?

[bitmiffed26]

Firstly, I don’t plan on doing or saying anything about my feelings, because I don’t think it’s the biggest issue ever, BUT it has left a bit of a bad taste in my mouth. Wondering if others would feel the same?

my kids go to a weekend club. 8 and 12 years old, just over 3 years between them.
by chance, a different club my youngest attends went to the weekend club to do the activity. Obviously she knows all the people who work there, as she see them at the weekend club.

at some point during the session, the guy leading it was talking to another parent there (from what we can tell, he doesn’t know her outside of this one session) and said ‘oh, have you not met OP’s other daughter?’ And when she said no he said ‘I’ve never known anyone to bicker as much as OP’s kids do’

Now, my first feeling is to be mortified, and we have told the kids exactly what was said, so they know that it’s being noticed and it’s not ok. We’ve said they have to shape up or we’ll stop them attending.

Theres another feeling of being a bit miffed that he’s spoken this way about my children to a random stranger, not only to him but to us!

I’m not doubting that they do bicker (I don’t attend the club, my partner does and he was the one this was said in front of last night), but I would have thought that if it was to the point of being an issue within the club and was a distraction to others attending, or a safety issue or anything like that they would have told us, her parents, that it was, rather than someone it had absolutely nothing to do with.

Would you feel the same? Or do you think it’s my embarrassment trying to find a different outlet?

to add - he obviously didn’t say OPs children, he used their names but I won’t share them here for obvious reasons.

Wholly inappropriate and unprofessional to openly gossip about another child to parents.

I don't think that's gossiping.

You said yourself they do so it's no surprise. Must be pretty bad to have mentioned it.

You feel embarrassed that their lousy behaviour is now noticeable to others and they are now being labelled as ‘those children’
Speaking to others isn’t the most professional thing to do, but he has done you a favour in the long term. It has given you all a kick up the backside to kick their crap and disrespectful public behaviour into touch

I do think this is your embarrassment trying to find a different outlet.

But kids bicker and it sounded like a light hearted comment anyway.

The good thing is your kids now know others have noticed it, so I wouldn't pay it any more thought.

It’s probably on the lower end of professionalism, but I think you’re mortified/embarrassed and trying to find an outlet…which is understandable.

Do they bicker a lot at home? Or are you so used to it as a family that it just gets tuned out and you haven’t realized how bad it’s gotten?

Also, I don't know how anything said by one person to another is so often considered 'gossip' on this forum.

Simply stating the truth (whether in a light hearted way or not), is not gossip.

I agree this is your internal embarrassment looking for an outlet.

It's unprofessional from the session leader, for sure.

But also it does sound like you need to help your kids sort out their behaviour.

I mean, it was totally unprofessional of him but I’d be really embarrassed if someone felt strongly enough about my children to mention it to somebody else.
Do they bicker a lot at home? If so, what consequences do they have?

There has to be a certain level reached before you raise behaviour with parents. Whereas commenting to another person about child X did Y. Have you really never done that? I have absolutely said things like 'Lily was refusing to leave the playground so her mum and I ...' etc etc to other people. It's just normal chat.

Did he actually say they were sisters, or your children? Or was it "Have you met Rosie? I've never known children to bicker like Rosie and Jemima do!" The other parent might not even know they are siblings or that they are your children?

Very unprofessional of the group leader to be discussing children with other parents especially if he’s naming names rather than a general “oh don’t worry if your children bicker we have other children like that” and he should be speaking to you if there is a problem. This should now be a wake up call about your children’s behaviour and well done for speaking to them about it being unacceptable and there being consequences.
I know you say you don’t want to take it further but it would be worth a chat with the leader or their boss that this is unacceptable!

I agree with @Sartre
Totally out of order to gossip about children to other parents.

When my son was in first year primary - many, many, years ago - I, and a couple of other parents went along on a schooltrip to assist the teacher with the children. I was absolutely taken aback when the teacher started talking about one of the pupils to one of the other parents there. The boy in question was a bit over weight and the teacher was going into great details, and criticising, the packed lunch he had brought with him and describing his eating habits. I'd actually liked the teacher up until that point but it made me very wary of her and it opened my eyes to how she gossiped about the children in her class.

I'm with you OP. I would not be hapoy about this.

If someone told me they had gossip for me, I'd be sorely disappointed if it turned out to be "Those two siblings bicker a lot" 🤣🤣

Op I've been here I have 3 years between my boys 10 & 7 and if I'm honest I think it's more embarrassment you're feeling right now as I did, it's mortifying but at the same time you go into mama bear mode too as even though we know they do it we don't want others to point it out or feel like our DC are being attacked in anyway. I don't think it was gossiping and probably meant more tongue in cheek etc. I have found that many others find it funny when my 2 start it's me who doesn't handle it well but I guess to an extent its all typical sibling rivalry which they will grow out of (I hope) eventually.

To answer a few questions -

yup, they do bicker at home. They get told off, they get consequences such as removal of technology, no treats etc. We certainly haven’t drowned out the noise of it, we are aware and we put things in place to try and stop it.
this is the first time it’s been mentioned to us by someone else, generally we are only praised about them. They are (normally) the kind of kids that reserve all shit behaviour for us, and the idea of upsetting or annoying another adult and getting reprimanded for it would be the absolute worse thing in the world.
This obviously isn’t the case here, but I can’t help but think that if it was comment worthy to a stranger, it should have been said to us instead.

I don’t think I’d consider that to be gossip, really. Just an observation. It’s not even really a criticism; it feels pretty neutral to me. Two kids don’t get on. Just a statement of fact.

Would you have felt the same if he’d been talking about one of your children not getting along with another child? Eg “Oh, George Smith and Harry Jones clash like crazy, they just seem to wind each other up somehow”? Or is it specifically because your kids are siblings who don’t get on that it bothers you?

I'd say you feel uncomfortable, understandably, and it would be easier to focus on his potential unprofessionalism than the original feeling. A natural reaction, but one worth noticing.

Context. It's not 'normal chat' from a session leader of a children's activity group, saying it to an unrelated parent. In that role, he has a responsibility to be professional about the children he is working with.

He's being unprofessional to chat like this about children in the group to other parents.

If he's noticed an issue with their behaviour he should raise it with their parents, not talk about it with other random people.

However, it does sound like their behaviour is a problem and needs sorting out.

If the children are “bickering” so much it is a problem, surely in the first instance it should be brought up to the parents and not discussed with a random person?

Very unprofessional and I would complain.

I would also reflect on the substance and think hard about how to help my kids!

He shouldn't have said it. Although it was probably a lot more casual as a comment and not meant to be taken too seriously, it was unprofessional to say it at all.

I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill and I don't understand why you'd tell your kids about it. Disciplining them is really not right. They were described as bickering in a comment neither you nor they were intended to hear. ''Bickering'" is minor falling out/low level disagreement that you'd probably barely comment on at home. It's hearsay reporting of bickering by a club teacher - so not at school, not an actual teacher in a formal educational setting.

I do understand why you'd be a bit embarrassed. He spoke out of turn, but highlighted an aspect of their relationship you recognise. That said, what he said they did wasn't even a problem and he didn't raise it with you. If he had raised a very minor matter like this with you, that would be an overstep as it's a club, not a school

What did your partner say when it was said in front of him?

How did he react?

Of course, he shouldn't have said what he did to the other parent.

IIWM Id probably just ask him politely to share any feedback he has about your DC with you rather than other parents in future.

In what way was it ‘said in front of’ your partner? Are you saying the person running the activity doesn’t know him, so had no idea he was saying this in front of the children’s parent? Or that the person running the activity knowingly said it in front of him?