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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I appear to be untrustworthy

35 replies

LivelySquid · Today 07:21

I'm happily married. My dh trusts me 100% and I would never cheat on him.
I still like my nights out with friends. However, I'm quite outgoing. My personality and body language can come across as flirty. He gets that and so do my friends and he and they just laugh about it.
I was talking to a male aquaintance on a night out about all sorts, having a laugh. Duting the conversation he asked me if my dh trusts me. Would you be offended by this?
Does this mean I look like I'm a potential cheat throwing myself at people?
I should tone down my personality so I don't give out the wrong impression?
His question has been playing on my mind since then.

OP posts:
Idontjetwashthefucker · Today 07:27

If I acted flirty then no it wouldn't offend me

Conchiglie · Today 07:27

I think this question says more about him than about you OP. Your DH trusts you - it doesn't matter what this guy thinks.

Original poster
LivelySquid · Today 07:34

Idontjetwashthefucker · Today 07:27

If I acted flirty then no it wouldn't offend me

I don't intenionally set out to act flirty, it's just my natural personality

OP posts:
Pieandchips999 · Today 07:35

I think your acquaintance was asking that to see if he had a chance. If it doesnt bother your husband I wouldn't worry

BeSunnyLemonSheep · Today 07:37

LivelySquid · Today 07:34

I don't intenionally set out to act flirty, it's just my natural personality

Show quote history

You have self control.

If you’re flirting with other people then regardless of whether you’re trustworthy or not, and regardless of whether your DH trusts you or not, you come across as an untrustworthy person because you are behaving like an untrustworthy person.

glaciercherry · Today 07:39

So you are well aligned with your DH and friends, but a not well aligned with a random colleague who said something about how you act on a work night out that would affect how he thought about it if it he were in a relationship with you?

You can safely ignore that.

I can see why you’re upset, anyone would be, we don’t want to be accused of being untrustworthy. But it just goes to show why you’re married to your DH and not a random colleague. You’re fine, please ignore the comment or come up with a great retort for next time he says anything like that.

Original poster
LivelySquid · Today 07:44

BeSunnyLemonSheep · Today 07:37

You have self control.

If you’re flirting with other people then regardless of whether you’re trustworthy or not, and regardless of whether your DH trusts you or not, you come across as an untrustworthy person because you are behaving like an untrustworthy person.

Show quote history

I don't see why I should be unrelaxed and on my guard all night & practically change my personality though.

OP posts:
Original poster
LivelySquid · Today 07:47

glaciercherry · Today 07:39

So you are well aligned with your DH and friends, but a not well aligned with a random colleague who said something about how you act on a work night out that would affect how he thought about it if it he were in a relationship with you?

You can safely ignore that.

I can see why you’re upset, anyone would be, we don’t want to be accused of being untrustworthy. But it just goes to show why you’re married to your DH and not a random colleague. You’re fine, please ignore the comment or come up with a great retort for next time he says anything like that.

His question caught me by surprise and I couldn't think of anything. I should have thrown the question back at him, see how he liked it.

OP posts:
ALovelyPinkUnicorn · Today 07:50

What does your ‘flirty’ look like?
speaking to others and laughing is not flirty.
-body touching, deep looks, hugging, disappearing off for a private chat is.

BravasPatatas · Today 07:52

I’m interested in what your self proclaimed ‘flirty’ behaviour looks like. Being outgoing and friendly isn’t flirty, so is it things like prolonged eye contact, touching etc?

Oncemorewithsome · Today 07:52

He was testing your boundaries… the correct answer is “yes, completely as he knows I wouldn’t even contemplate cheating”…

Original poster
LivelySquid · Today 07:53

ALovelyPinkUnicorn · Today 07:50

What does your ‘flirty’ look like?
speaking to others and laughing is not flirty.
-body touching, deep looks, hugging, disappearing off for a private chat is.

Speaking to others, having a laugh. My friends say I have a cheeky, flirty twinkle in my eye.
Body touching, deep looks & disappearing off for private chats - no.

OP posts:
Cardamomandlemons · Today 07:53

The right answer would have been "yeah my husband loves my bubbly personality and he knows I'm 100% faithful"

Original poster
LivelySquid · Today 07:56

Cardamomandlemons · Today 07:53

The right answer would have been "yeah my husband loves my bubbly personality and he knows I'm 100% faithful"

I said nothing and tried to ignore it, it caught me by surprise and I couldn't think of anything. Felt slightly awkward from then on.

OP posts:
NotAnotherScarf · Today 07:58

LivelySquid · Today 07:44

I don't see why I should be unrelaxed and on my guard all night & practically change my personality though.

Show quote history

But there's a difference between being warm funny interested in people and good to be around and making it clear thst your available to a member of the opposite sex.

And thats the rub...flirty is the wrong word. You are not suggesting that you fancy a guy. You're having a laugh, perhaps being a bit rude with your jokes, talking to people...thats being a person who likes a good time not someone looking for a hookup

Idontjetwashthefucker · Today 08:00

LivelySquid · Today 07:53

Speaking to others, having a laugh. My friends say I have a cheeky, flirty twinkle in my eye.
Body touching, deep looks & disappearing off for private chats - no.

Show quote history

Yeah i wouldn't say that was flirty, just being friendly. I'd be more annoyed with my friends for implying I was bring flirty!

Manifesto · Today 08:03

Do you have a ‘cheeky twinkle’ in your eyes when talking to other women in
a night out?

Original poster
LivelySquid · Today 08:05

@Idontjetwashthefucker and if the chap is asking because he thinks he's in with a chance then it makes me wonder if others think this too. Maybe he's just a creep trying it on.

OP posts:
Original poster
LivelySquid · Today 08:10

Manifesto · Today 08:03

Do you have a ‘cheeky twinkle’ in your eyes when talking to other women in
a night out?

I've no idea, if I'm having a laugh and a good time with them then as far as I'm aware I have the same face, same eyes, I can hardly change them!

OP posts:
LejlaKapovic · Today 08:18

LivelySquid · Today 07:21

I'm happily married. My dh trusts me 100% and I would never cheat on him.
I still like my nights out with friends. However, I'm quite outgoing. My personality and body language can come across as flirty. He gets that and so do my friends and he and they just laugh about it.
I was talking to a male aquaintance on a night out about all sorts, having a laugh. Duting the conversation he asked me if my dh trusts me. Would you be offended by this?
Does this mean I look like I'm a potential cheat throwing myself at people?
I should tone down my personality so I don't give out the wrong impression?
His question has been playing on my mind since then.

It sounds to me like he was testing the waters, or paving a path to take the flirtation to another level.

LejlaKapovic · Today 08:22

LivelySquid · Today 07:34

I don't intenionally set out to act flirty, it's just my natural personality

Show quote history

Bullshit, lol. I'm sorry, but anyone can control who they flirt with, it's not a naturally engraved part of anyone's personality as you'd like to make us believe. Flirting is a choice. And you choose to flirt with people. The fact that you give some random man's comment so much thought and headspace AND started a thread about said random comment suggests to me that you enjoy other men's attention.

Thepeopleversuswork · Today 08:24

He was just trying to get off with you and was testing the waters. Ignore him, as long as you didn’t mean anything by it and your husband is fine its none of his business.

IvyEvolveFree · Today 08:24

No one has ever asked me if my partner ‘trusted’ me. That would be a significant boundary overstep and would make me think that I’m either giving off the wrong signals, or they’ve got issues with boundaries. I love being friendly but not interested in playing some version of the ‘now you two fight’ game.

Original poster
LivelySquid · Today 08:28

@IvyEvolveFree I've not been asked the question before either, that's why it caught me off guard

OP posts:
MJagain · Today 08:28

LivelySquid · Today 08:05

@Idontjetwashthefucker and if the chap is asking because he thinks he's in with a chance then it makes me wonder if others think this too. Maybe he's just a creep trying it on.

I think he was testing the water with you for sure