AIBU to tell my son he may have a half-sister?

[Anon1216]

To tell my 7 year old son he has a half sister?

My son’s dad (my ex) has another child that my son doesn’t know about. I have been asking my ex to tell our son for a long time. 2 year ago I told him he had to tell him sooner rather than later so that it isn’t a big deal and he has an option to see her. Ex decided the child wasn’t his at which point I said he needs to do a DNA test. 2 years later the DNA still isn’t done. I feel the longer this goes on, the worse it’s going to get for my son, the more shocked he will be, and the more questions he will have. It’s also denying him a relationship with his sibling. However, I also don’t want to tell him he has a sister if he actually doesn’t, but I do think this is just an excuse from my ex. What would you do?

Ex hasn’t seen this child since before our son was born but his mum has. The child was a result of a one night stand (according to my ex), he’s on the birth certificate and pays child maintenance so clearly at one point he believed the child was his.

Also, I don’t want my son to ever blame me for withholding this information and not being honest with him.

What about the other mother? Why do you assume that he will have contact with this half sister when he finds out about her. You seen sure he will have a relationship with her but that may not be the case

This situation is not of your making and there's little you can do except wait until either your ex comes clean, or DS gets old enough to be told the whole muddled business, eg that it's possible but not certain that he has a half sister and his dad hasn't confirmed it. What a mess.

I’m not assuming that, but I feel they should be given the opportunity and chance to decide for themselves.

So he had a child he didn’t see when you met? Regardless of why you would stick with him, I’ve been there and fallen for a load of cobblers about not being allowed etc, how old was ds when you split? Had it not come up then?

He is far too young to be able to make that kind of decision. The other mother may not want her child to know they have a half sibling, she may not even know herself.

It is for your ex to pick up the pieces and not for you to decide. What you feel should happen is irrelevant.

Difficult one.

Maybe at 7 he's not quite equipped to deal with it....

Ex decided the child wasn’t his at which point I said he needs to do a DNA test. 2 years later the DNA still isn’t done.

Where is the child's mother in all this? I guess she knows it's his.

I'm sorry OP, what a mess.

Time will tell. The truth will come out.

He did see her at first but I think that was more for my benefit/ to make him look good. He gave me the same sob story about the mum making it difficult, which she did at times.

My son was 1 when we split. It’s something I’ve brought up time and time again but 2 years ago I said we have to tell him.

Of course it’s his child .
You think he would have paid a penny if there was any doubt ?
He has probably had the dna test and all .
Tell your boy , get it all out in the open.
Secrets like this breed shame and destroy families.
I’m the half sister kept a secret from my siblings , it’s really damaging and honestly harmful.

I don’t actually think this is as big a deal as you think. He doesn’t know if the child is his. Your son may not have a half sibling. He is unlikely to meet this half sibling even if he does or have a relationship with them. Without the parent who ties them being involved in their bond they don’t really have a bond at all…

I wouldn’t give this too much thought. I certainly wouldn’t agnst over it. I’d probably leave it for now. It’s not that relevant to your son as a 7 year old and depending how you present this information when he is older it’s not necessarily something that needs to be ‘shocking’
Im speaking as someone who may or may not have half siblings. I’m not chancing a dna ancestry type test though

He could have any number of half siblings you don’t know about. I’m not sure that’s such a shock for kids with a semi-absent father. I wouldn’t bring it up out of the blue, but if a conversation leads in that direction then don’t hide it. Does he see the grandmother who sees the half siblings? Do you have contact with her? She seems the obvious means of facilitating contact.

Oh that makes more sense @Anon1216. Tbh I haven’t told my dc they have a half sibling but that’s because their mum was scary and ex dp vanished when the oldest was a toddler and has never re-emerged.
I think if it’s possible the kids might meet one day or get mentioned I’d tell your ex you are going to start referencing it.

I’m also the secret half sister… or was until last year when my 16 yo half brother got a huge shock! I really don’t want that for my son which is why I’m pushing for him to know, but in the back of my mind I wonder what if I tell my son and then she isn’t actually his sister.

However, my ex hates paying maintenance so surely if he had any doubt he would have done the DNA a long time ago! But that’s him all over tbh!

Yes he sees his grandmother and I’m in contact with her, and you’re right she would be the point of contact. It’s the secret that’s the problem for me, more so than the contact.

It’s perhaps more of a big deal to me because I was in this very situation, only I was the secret half sibling. The whole family knew about me and lied to my half brother, just like everyone is lying to my son (or not telling him the truth).

Why would you do this??

How would it benefit him??

I’m not doing anything right now, that’s why I’m asking for opinions.

I wouldn’t want anything to do with the situation and would protect my son from it. It doesn’t sound stable or like your son would even be able to have a relationship with her if it does turn out to be his half sibling. It’s not the same as a full sibling anyway.

Can you contact the other childs mother and see if she'd be open to them having a relationship?
Maybe the mother would be open to doing a sibling DNA test, although she might be insulted by the question so it's hard to know.

The only way that a man can be on a child’s birth certificate is

1. if he goes along with the mum to register the birth
2. they are married and the mum takes the marriage certificate along with her when she registers the birth

so which one of these was it for his “ one night stand “?

Why is he paying child maintenance for a child he says isn’t his ?

How do you know he is even paying ? Have you seen any written proof? Because otherwise I’d assume that he’s lying about that too.

He went with her apparently, under pressure from his mum.

Yes I’ve seen the proof he’s paying child maintenance. And exactly, who would pay child maintenance for a child that wasn’t potentially theirs, she’s 13 now!

I have thought about doing that and would be open to it, I just don’t want to overstep the mark. I’m not sure how well it would be received.

Do you think the girl might know about your son?

I think she might but I’m not sure. The last time my ex saw his other child I think I may have been pregnant. I’ve also just recently put in a child maintenance claim which I think will impact how much she receives so she might know that way.

No point telling him when he's young unless there is a chance of having a relationship with them.