AIBU to tell my son he may have a half-sister?

[Anon1216]

To tell my 7 year old son he has a half sister?

My son’s dad (my ex) has another child that my son doesn’t know about. I have been asking my ex to tell our son for a long time. 2 year ago I told him he had to tell him sooner rather than later so that it isn’t a big deal and he has an option to see her. Ex decided the child wasn’t his at which point I said he needs to do a DNA test. 2 years later the DNA still isn’t done. I feel the longer this goes on, the worse it’s going to get for my son, the more shocked he will be, and the more questions he will have. It’s also denying him a relationship with his sibling. However, I also don’t want to tell him he has a sister if he actually doesn’t, but I do think this is just an excuse from my ex. What would you do?

Ex hasn’t seen this child since before our son was born but his mum has. The child was a result of a one night stand (according to my ex), he’s on the birth certificate and pays child maintenance so clearly at one point he believed the child was his.

She very possibly does then and if there's evidence up on social media that your ex has another child she may well have seen that too if she had a look.

So it's possible the girl wonders about her brother and would like a relationship with him but the mother doesn't know if she could contact you either.

Sensitive issue I know, and like you I do have some personal experience here, hidden half sibling, but she had always known about me and our dad refused to introduce us.

That’s true, maybe she does. I think I’ll speak to my ex’s mum, who sees the other child, and ask whether she knows about our son and if she’s ever asked about him. Knowing my son I’m certain he would want to meet her so it would be good to know what she thinks before telling him.

It’s tricky isn’t it, because if you had of met earlier you may have formed a bond. It’s not nice if your whole family know you have a sibling, except you, either.

I think your son is a bit young to be told.

I found out when I was in my early 20s that I had a half-sibling - from a stranger. I should have been told sooner, but I feel that 7 would have been way too young.

I've never met my sibling. Not my parent's fault - I've heard the story from two different people and they both told the same version. However, it was my parent's fault that I wasn't told about it. I think they felt that there was no need.

So that he knows.

By knowing the truth

And I disagree with the "too young to be told". Things like this, the earlier the better.

Yes for me personally I didn't care so much that the secret had been kept from me but I felt a lot of guilt (that wasn't mine to bear) that she had wanted to meet for so long and our dad had refused. Also in her head she felt that I had the dream relationship with my dad when I didn't, so she suffered a lot of trauma and rejection. Maybe it wouldn't have been so bad for her if she had met me.

That's a difference in your case as your son doesn't live with your dad, but then if your son sees his dad regularly and the half sister never sees him at all that could also cause issues so it is as I said very sensitive, but you know that yourself!

Unreasonable. Not wanting to have any blame is more about your feelings, don’t tell him any of this based on nothing concrete. Let your ex shoulder the burden of whatever feelings come later depending on what action he chooses in the mean time. Literally pointless info ‘you MIGHT have a sister’ (completely different story if you can confirm it’s a sibling though)

From the OP it sounds like he was saying the child was his, up until the OP said he had to tell the son, and he pays maintenance and the grandmother sees the child so it's not just a little hunch that I think you might have a sister, there's a very big chance this is his sister.

Remove the middle man (exMillL or Ex).
You don't need anyone to approve or barter contact. This is about you looking out for your son and helping him know his family.
Go directly to the girl's mum.
Ask her if she'd be willing to do a dna test if you are uncertain.
Tell her you'd like the kids to have a relationship.

I really don’t see how this is anything to do with you, sorry. You turning it into a massive drama will only hurt your son in the long term. By the sounds of it your ex has moved on but you know way too much about this situation in terms of the maintenance and DNA drama. Just move on and stay out of it.

This. Until a DNA test proves it, nothing is certain.

I would contact the child’s mother and see how she feels.

I have probably read too much fiction but I would be worried they might meet as young adults and be attracted to each other…

Plus, I absolutely love my half siblings. They bring a lot of joy to my life. Why should these children be deprived of a possible relationship?

Westher you tell him and the child is a half sibling or is innfavt not either way it isnt somethijg you would mention then to be untrue.
I have doubts how this would go with the girls mother.
Perhaps leave it and it is all in the abilty as a older child adult for him to discover..mayne his dad eventually.
A revelation having family as adult to me was neither here nor there in the big picture.
Family dynamics and a dodgy dad who isnt straight up isnt a path I would be keen to subject a young boy too...is the dad denying it or is the actual dad.
I have known of someone paying support as a dad then stopped by either the mother or goverment - who knows, very touchy stuff.
Do you need to focus or worry he may grow to not be fazes or can learn to deal with it.
Lifes to short to try and make everything right.
Watching what a ancestry find it has distoryed family dynamics and a whole generarion so not always a happy pairing up outcome.Op!.