Can I have opinions on this text conversation regarding rape, please?

[KaneFTW]

I really need to understand if I’m being over sensitive/defensive etc

I don’t like the tone of the messages in white. She asks some questions that most women would either know the answer to, or would at least know that they were sensitive questions, and when green questions it, white starts telling her not to get defensive. Green wasn’t being defensive, Green was making a very valid observation.

OP, perhaps the best lesson to learn from this is that it’s not a good idea to have serious conversations over text.

The white messages are out of line. You don’t owe them an explanation and they are being incredible defensive and judgemental. I’m sorry this has happened to you. Trauma hits people in different ways and you don’t need to lay it all out to prove worthy. You were clear in how uncomfortable you are talking about it. They need to back off. There’s so many reasons why people stay with abusers or give in, you don’t owe this person information they could easily google if they cared enough. Take care of yourself x

Thank you.

I do need to say the person in the white has autism, quite significantly so and it doesn’t affect social cues and direct questioning.

It was more so about me being told im being defensive - which has been answered and I’ve been reassured by some replies may not be the case.

*does affect

fuck sake autocorrect

She doesn’t need permission, she wrote most of the messages.

Absolutely no need for being this rude to the OP.

And OP, you weren’t defensive. Or if you were, you were right to be.

Thank you for your feedback. I really appreciate it

I'm sorry your cousin did that to you.

I think it's really wrong to questions someone's behaviour after being raped. It's well documented that it varies widely - fight, flight, freeze etc.

Peoole just do what they need to to cope - for some it's denial, a desire to continue, others react differently.

You don't owe anyone, even your partner, an explanation.

Thanks, it was years ago.

Im just always told I’m defensive and DARVO and I don’t know what’s right and what isnt

Your partner says you use DARVO alot?

If so, this doesn't sound like a healthy relationship.

If you're green, this is actually a masterclass in nonviolent communication. You're not defensive, you're just direct about how the conversation is making you feel.

I'm sorry you went through that and I hope you're away from that person now.

Aren't your own messages always in green on the right

and other(s) in white on the left,

Or am I missing something? I just checked all my conversations and it's always the same pattern on whatsapp,

Person in white is crass as fuck and sounds like bloody hard work. They're asking a very sensitive question in the bluntest and most insensitive way with zero regard for the impact of the that on the person in green.

Person in green gave a very reasonable and understandable answer and doesn't sound defensive to me. Person in white sounds extremely self-centred and thinks her own feelings matter above everyone else's and that she is very much the main character.

There's no DARVO here; person in white just seems like a cunt.

If you're the one in green and the one in white is your partner, I would seriously be dumping them, like, yesterday. They sound insufferable. And no, autism isn't an excuse for person in white here. Maybe for the bluntness of the initial question, it might be. But certainly not for continuing to push it and then make it all about them and kick off at person in green for being 'defensive' because person in green dared to indicate that she was upset by the conversation.

Your partner is questioning how you handled the aftermath of your rape. She is calling you to account for your behaviour and to justify yourself. At best this shows an appalling lack of sensitivity and awareness of the impact of rape on survivors, at worst, she is holding you in part responsible.
She is not the right person for you.