If you have a ND daughter, does it get better as they get older?

[user0512]

Hi,

DD potentially has autism and ADHD. Her dad has both and my sister and dad are ND too so there’s a good chance she has it.

She’s two so I’m not rushing anything right now as it could be that she ‘grows out of’ these behaviours as she exits the toddler stage, but from what I can see she seems much more deregulated than a typical toddler going through the ‘terrible twos’.

Transitions are extremely difficult for us, she constantly repeats her words, she needs a LOT of reassurance, and does a lot of sensory seeking (with her hair and putting things in her mouth). She has little sense of danger, I know children at this age do partake in risk taking behaviours but she’s constantly climbing, putting everything in her mouth, putting cords around her neck (from a my laptop charger for instance). There’s more but these are a few examples.

This morning was extremely difficult as she struggled from the moment she woke up. Transitioning her to nursery was hard too and even when we got there she was very upset. She’s fine after about half an hour of being there but the transition is extremely difficult for her (she’s been in nursery since she was 9 months old).

Does it get better? What helps?

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Another hopeful bump?

It's hard, I know. My daughter was special needs growing up and now her oldest daughter is, too. I remember when mine was a toddler/preschooler and it was tough! I lived in fear that she would fall asleep on the car ride home from taking her sister to afternoon-session preschool, as even the quickest sleep in the car prevented her from taking a nap and I needed that break each day terribly!

To be completely honest, finding the correct medications as they've grown has helped. My daughter was very much trial-and-error through the years, with many rough patches until we hit on the best med when she was 11 years old.

She's had the benefit of my experiences to guide her with her daughter but there have been many times when it's looked like an episode of Super Nanny (I would say the same from when she was a child). Her daughter is also doing pretty well at age 11. I think the best you can do is get professionals involved to offer perspective and ideas. Accept help if it's offered. Be patient with yourself, and don't discount medication for yourself if your anxiety grows or you feel depressed - it's not weakness, it's human.

My daughter is so much more successful than we dreamed of when she was young. Married, with a job and children, adult friends, homeowner...all of the markers of a normal functioning adult that contributes to society. And you're on the right track with yours, acknowledging the difficulties and seeking assistance.

My daughter is 9 and it’s so hard right now. My paediatrician told us that in his opinion hardest years for girls are 8-12 as they have a hormone explosion, lots of change developmentally and often lots of transition with schools and friendships. We are definitely noticing it. Very unsettled, unregulated, lots of meltdowns and anger, not sleeping and explosive. I think it’s also that she’s bigger. When she was younger I could scoop her up but now I’m kind of at her mercy if she meltdowns in public

@littlemousebigcheese sympathies. What was she like as a toddler? Does she have ADHD/Autism/both? Has medication been explored?

Not for me at 18 but we do have some glimmers.

@SouthJersey1its draining. Often makes me slightly resentful of other people’s experiences of motherhood because when I speak to mums with NT children they just say ‘oh the terrible twos’ but these aren’t your typical terrible twos. These are way more than that and it’s draining. She’s been a high needs child ever since she was a newborn. Has a dairy allergy so I thought things would get better after we got the right milk when she was six months old but even after that she’s always had very big feelings and been very difficult to soothe

Nursery suggested assessment at 2, diagnosed with autism and ADHD at 6.

Shes currently on adhd meds but it’s been horrible trying to find ones that she tolerates and that have any impact and obv issue is then that the autism symptoms seem more apparent so school struggles massively either way! She was very high needs as a baby and has never slept through the night!

Yes and no and maybe. Which is no help I know. Like any child each age brings new challenges. DD was ok in primary, but had endleas low level friendship issues. Secondary was hard, lots of anxiety and issues with friends and transitions and taking responsibility. University hasn't been issue free, friendship issues is a ongoing theme for her, and it really get her down. But is better than school was. ADHD meds were life changing for her though.

@littlemousebigcheesecsn I ask what prompted them to suggest assessment at 2?

Its a massive spectrum and shes only two
I know thats not paticulatly helpful but nobody can say how shes goung to be s she gets older
It might be helpful for you too meet other parents in a similar postion

She was always stimming, no eye contact, very unsettled, found it hard to engage with others. We had a terrible experience with nursery in general so moved her to a childminder and idea of assessment wasn’t mentioned again until pre school where they gently suggested autism and adhd.

No my daughter is 15 and way harder now.
i should add literally everyone told me she’d get easier once she was older but she didnt shes so much harder now.

As the parent of ND young adults and someone who works with autistic and ADHD young people, I'd say that one of the really important things you can do as a parent is explicitly teach and model emotional literacy and strategies to manage their mental health.

I'm in my 30s - late diagnosed ADHD and Autism. I won't sugar coat it, I certainly still struggle with transitions, RSD, food allergies and depression/anxiety BUT I wanted to reassure you that she can live a wonderful life. I have a degree, own my own home, have a family and work in for a fantastically ND friendly company earning above the average income for where I live.
Being able to support your daughter from an early age, teaching coping mechanisms and understanding the reasons behind her behaviours will absolutely help set her up for being an adult.
Times will still be tough, the struggles you have will be different from others but if you can do the work to regulate yourself so you can support her, she's lucky to have a parent who gets it ❤️

@IAmWhoIAmm sympathies. In what ways is it harder now? How do you cope? This reallt scares me

She is violent and aggressive, attacks me and siblings, smashes up my home, had the police called, cant be left alone, cant take her out anywhere as shes too unpredictable and runs off, cant stop her anymore like when she was little as shes stronger bigger and taller, and she’s now faster than me soon she will soon be stronger than me. Cant leave her at home alone as she isn’t safe, she tries to escape the house at night.

In some ways yes, in other ways no.

Both DD’s exhibited traits early on but didn’t get diagnosed until their late teens. DD1 is 18 and has so many difficulties that she’s finding it hard to study or get a job. DD2 is 16 and communication can often be difficult although she manages school broadly fine.

At this point it’s just part of who they are. We parent them broadly the same but with differences depending on how they generally respond and we get along absolutely fine. DD2 is more high functioning than DD1 but she still has struggles like all people. Adapting is the best way to overcome any challenges you may face during the very different years from toddlerhood to adulthood and they’re not always easy but generally I’ve found that once they’re able to communicate more it’s easier.

@IAmWhoIAmm that sounds awful. Sounds like some of the children I hear about at work (I support social workers) and those parents are at their wits end. It really does scare me as more often than not these children’s have ND.

What was she like as a toddler? When did she get diagnosed and did she receive any support?

Shes always been tricky she was diagnosed at 2. It’s not the same as those that are diagnosed as adults as they obviously managed to make it all the way through school and childhood, she was diagnosed at 2 never been able to mask it was very obvious from a baby. She didn’t speak at all till she was 4. Not had any help as I wouldn’t get SS involved. She had help in school.

It got massively easier when dd was 18 and started uni...meeting lots of people just like her. Aged 8 to 15 was hard- she struggled with friendships and turned herself inside out trying to change to fit in. Self harming, overdose, putting herself into unsafe situations without our knowledge. It was horrible 😢
Finding her tribe was the making of her and I cannot believe the change in her now. Content, coping, healthy and adaptable

Every child is different. As an infant and toddler, dd was so high needs that she practically broke me. Now she is. 17 year old who drives and is an excellent student. She runs an advocacy group and does volunteer work. She leaves for university in a year.

she still has ASD and that will always be true, but it presents very differently now than it did at 2 years old. She can articulate her needs. She knows what she needs to do to make her life run.

@Ponderingwindowwhat sort of things did she struggle with as a toddler? Im glad to hear she’s now content and is managing well.

I would suggest focusing on communication, using whatever works for her. Most (not all) children find visuals very useful for instance around transitions. Routine is usually important and reduces anxiety - but understand not always possible. Also trying to really understand her sensory differences - what she's seeking and / or avoiding and putting in what she needs where possible. Do talk to other parents for support but remember everyone is different.