If you have a ND daughter, does it get better as they get older?

[user0512]

Hi,

DD potentially has autism and ADHD. Her dad has both and my sister and dad are ND too so there’s a good chance she has it.

She’s two so I’m not rushing anything right now as it could be that she ‘grows out of’ these behaviours as she exits the toddler stage, but from what I can see she seems much more deregulated than a typical toddler going through the ‘terrible twos’.

Transitions are extremely difficult for us, she constantly repeats her words, she needs a LOT of reassurance, and does a lot of sensory seeking (with her hair and putting things in her mouth). She has little sense of danger, I know children at this age do partake in risk taking behaviours but she’s constantly climbing, putting everything in her mouth, putting cords around her neck (from a my laptop charger for instance). There’s more but these are a few examples.

This morning was extremely difficult as she struggled from the moment she woke up. Transitioning her to nursery was hard too and even when we got there she was very upset. She’s fine after about half an hour of being there but the transition is extremely difficult for her (she’s been in nursery since she was 9 months old).

Does it get better? What helps?

Posted on AIBU for traffic.

Got to admit. Age 7 now and it hasn't got easier.
Advice for you don't suffer in silence.
Reach out to your nursery / health visitor / GP and accept any help on offer.

See what toddler sen groups are on in your area and you can make some friends in a similar boat.

Good luck.
X

DD was extra hard work at 3-4. Well, and then after that as well. Just a step away from everyone else. Not enough for school to support an assessment, enough for them to keep her in at breaktime for lectures etc. I was desperately seeking support for her for a long time. I think any other primary school would have not blocked it but the HT had insisted my eldest DC couldn't possibly have ASD and they used to be a Senco so would definitely know if he was anything other than naughty. Of course two psychologists and a psychiatrist disagreed with them. Finally in year 7 DD's HoY said they would support assessment. Knowing what made her different has helped.

I have 3 kids and 2 are diagnosed ND but the 3rd has a lot of ND traits as do their Dad and me.

My eldest is in Uni and loads of her uni pals are ND. My youngest is impacted by far the most by his ASD. Specialist schooling etc. not at all academic.

I have lots of ND colleagues. My boss has ASD his boss has ADHD and a good few of my colleagues are on the spectrum. There is no single pathway with ND. Each case is so vastly different.

With really good input from you your DD will be the best version of herself possible and that does not need to take a particular route.

My daughter was never diagnosed but I recognised mild autistic traits in her from being a toddler. She also fully self-diagnoses herself as having ADHD.

She was difficult as a toddler. Not very smiley, little eye contact, very wilful and determined.

Much easier to parent as ‘a little girl’. She was a ‘good’, rule-following, hard-working, bright girl who wanted to do well and have the teachers’ approval.

Really hard work from mid-teens onwards. She was just very, very strong-minded and determined and often bad-tempered. Had some monstrous meltdowns. The rest of us often walked on eggshells around her. She developed a mild eating disorder around age 15 but that moved on after I took her to the GP.

She’s now in her early 30s. Happy, healthy, has a top career and is very happily married to a wonderful guy. Her scattiness/ lateness/ general ADHD chaos affects her more than me now. She has set herself up with all sorts of apps, systems, automated reminders etc to help her to manage life.

She’s absolutely lovely these days. Genuinely. It’s such a relief that it all turned out ok - I used to worry that it really wouldn’t.

My one regret is that, because she dominated so much of my brainspace, time and attention, her younger sibling got less attention and learned to ‘be good’ because I clearly had enough on my plate already. We talk about this openly now. There are no hard feelings - it just was what it was.

But I honestly think my daughter really needed such thoughtful parenting, love and attention. I imagine it’s the same in a family where there is a child with additional physical needs or other disability.

No

Definitely a mix here of some saying that it gets better whilst others have reported that their struggles increased with their DC’s age.

There’s a lot of advice to try and regulate, support and validate the feelings and difficulties DD may have. Im intrigued to know what everyone’s best tips are? I’m so scared about getting it wrong.

I have spoken to nursery and whilst they can also see some of what I see she only goes in two days a week and they always end by saying ‘she is only two’ but I feel like I do see ND despite the fact she’s two. I think I saw it from when she was a baby to be honest. I worry I’ll have to wait until she’s 7/8 to get a proper diagnosis because I’ll be fobbed off with ‘she’s still young she may grow out of xyz’ she speaks quite well and makes eye contact so I think professionals aren’t rushing to do an assessment anytime soon

My dd is 6 and has been referred by her school for ADHD and ASD assessment. I have a diagnosis of both so not surprising. She isn’t easier at this age then when she was as a toddler, in fact I find it harder, as when she was a toddler she was on the higher needs ends but all toddlers are hard to some degree, but now age 6 I can really see the difference between her and her peers. She gets on well academically and has friends, good behaviour in school, goes to activities, but she is so hard work outside of school. She violent towards us when she has melt downs (which are frequent) and is getting stronger as she gets older, sensory issues, took a long time to potty train and still has issues, runs off outside, doesn’t respond well to requests, doesn’t respond to discipline, food issues plus other things too.

One of my children has been diagnosed with both. Year 5/6 were paticularly difficult and I was absolutely dreading secondary school but....they thrived! Found a lovely group of ND friends and academically doing extremely well (was in learning support in primary).