AIBU to still feel unsafe and want to tell someone?

[Puffinsandcoffee]

My husband has done some things to me /around me in recent years that weren't great. Nothing really terrible - not hitting or SA - but stuff that has made me definitely a bit scared of him.

It's been well over a year since he's done anything like that.

I just have two questions I thought maybe someone on here would have experience of this stuff and could answer.

One is, when did you find that you felt safe and comfortable around your husband again? Is it normal that I don't? Every time he swears or slams a door or something I get scared, and then scared he'll notice I'm scared, because he would get annoyed by that because he just wants us to move on from the stuff that happened. The world cup is stressing me out because he keeps jolting out of his chair and shouting and swearing at the TV!

The other question is, is it really vindictive that I want to tell someone in real life? I obviously won't. He'd be so hurt and really angry, because it's such an injustice to who he is in general. But there was total secrecy in my family about my dad's additions and abuses and I think because of that, having to not tell anyone about the stuff my husband has done is making me feel worse, like as if it's all happening again even though it's not.

Just to pre-empt some stuff that might come up

• I have posted about this stuff before. I spoke to Women's Aid because of replies. I don't mind my other posts being referred to but please don't "catch me out" with stuff from them. Mumsnet is the only place I can have these "conversations" and I'm not trying to be defensive or in denial or anything like that.
• I am getting therapy for cPTSD which I have from other stuff mostly childhood stuff.
• I haven't gone into detail about what he did because I don't think it's relevant but I will if it is.
• I won't be leaving him. I can't even if I wanted to but I don't want to.

I didn't put a poll as it's not really an either/ or but just - is this all normal and will pass, or am I damaging my relationship by not moving on from it?

So many kind replies, again. Thank you all. I'll hopefully reply more fully later this evening but just on the hiding under the sink thing - I have a real terror of being cornered in a room, especially with an angry man - that's where my massive overreaction to him coming into the bathroom comes from. It's the one "trigger" I've identified for certain and I have two very specific memories that I know are the cause for this, neither of which are anything to do with him. He does know this, but obviously in the moment it's difficult to bear it in mind.

Yeah, thank you. This feels like what's going on tbh. I think now when I seem afraid it makes him even angrier because he thinks I'm seeing him like just every other man I've known, which is unfair to him. He thinks once life is less stressful, he'll be less angry, and I'll also be less difficult, because we'll both have more time for the stuff that helps.

Yeah, I agree with all of this I think. I didn't want to talk to him about it when he asked me what was wrong though. I knew it wasn't going to work out well. But otherwise I think this is all right. I can't imagine not being scared of my parents!

There's no one really I could talk to who's "role" it is, if that makes sense. Especially I think because he's not one of us?

Absolutely @Puffinsandcoffee, this is really important. It may not even be conscious but the behaviour of getting very angry and scaring you works, because you back down and he then gets to feel like he’s a good guy because he buys you flowers. This gets him what he wants at no cost him. Have you ready ‘why does he do that?’, it’s eye opening.

You are trapped in a cycle of fear and intimidation with a side kicker that you are blaming yourself for his behaviour- he could choose not to terrify you and then who knows how good the relationship could be, so have think about why this behaviour might serve him.

Please also just let me say that lots of good doesn’t outweigh the bad here- if someone made it a lovely cake but one bite had a cockroach in would you say it was a lovely cake?

It's really not difficult to bear it in mind in the moment though.

I spent a year in my early 20s in a relationship with a woman who'd been sexually abused as a child. The relationship didn't last long, she was a very complex woman and I was very much not mature enough to be in a relationship with someone with that many issues.

She had a particular trigger that would set off her PTSD, and basically send her back to being a scared little girl. I'm not going to say what it was because it'd be outing, but it was a tiny little thing, think a word, or a touch, and something that you'd be equally as likely to do in the middle of sex, or in an argument, or just day to day with someone you care about.

I did the thing exactly once, was confronted with a suddenly sobbing, shaking girlfriend, and then never ever did the thing again. Didn't even have to consciously think about it, just never ever did it, because why the fuck would I want to scare someone I cared deeply about, and I did care about her, even when the relationship was dying.

If I could avoid doing this tiny little unconscious gesture so easily, you'd think your husband would be able to do the same for you.

I mean, I get that "not cornering a terrified woman in her bathroom" isn't exactly natural behaviour for him, but you'd think he could just about manage to remember it, don't you? Unless of course, scaring the crap out of you is the point.

Men who love their wives don't do this shit. Men who want to control and terrify their wives do.

Everyone thinks it's impossible to leave. And that's for a variety of reasons, whether it's cultural or financial, practical or physical, etc. They all convince themselves they are the special ones who can't possibly leave, even though they would often acknowledge that anyone else in that situation should.

One by one, they either leave, or get killed, or wither away.

The real reason you can't leave is that you've decided you can't leave. None of us can make you. Only you can.

And he doesn't need to escalate, because he's already successfully controlled you with fear.

The point at which people leave (and the couple of years following) is the highest risk time for any abused woman, even if their partner wasn't violent before (which yours has been, even if you don't want to frame it that way).

But that's not a reason not to do it. It's a reason to do it as safely as possible; inform yourself and prepare, for when you are ready for the first step.

Putting the responsibility for his emotions on outside circumstances (including you) is abusive partner 101. “Look what you made me do” sums it up. It’s never anyone else’s fault if we a) lose our temper b) act on that
in any way.

Yeah, I suppose I do see that. It's just I suppose it's not controlling anything except our relationship. I don't know if that makes sense. I do see what you're saying though 😔

You’re not fine.

You’re traumatised.

You’re terrified of him.

You need support from professionals.

You say you can’t leave him. (You can!)

You’re making excuses for him and minimising his behaviour.

I hope you find the confidence courage to leave him and stand up to your ‘community’.

You are failing your children if you continue subject them to living with this man.

No, what I'm saying is it can ONLY deal with your irrational response. So when you quite reasonably feel scared shitless because any other woman would also feel scared shitless, you will still feel scared shitless. But proportionately so. It can stop you being scared by objectively non scary stuff that happens to trigger you, but not stop you being scared by actual scary stuff.

Hope that makes sense?

All these replies are really helpful but it's a lot. A few days ago it was a good thing I was going to tell my SIL. Now it's back to I have to leave him because he might kill me. I'm not necessarily saying that's not true. But I am in no way open to it yet. I realise @hooverthefloor is right and everyone probably thinks they can't leave. I also just don't think it's at all proportionate to what he's done.

I think though that you're a bit unusual compared to most men? Can I ask you though, you said - Men who love their wives don't do this shit. Men who want to control and terrify their wives do.

I know this is a strange question to ask a complete stranger on the internet, but do you mean that you think my husband doesn't love me? I think he could be a bit controlling and scary, and also love me? He says he does all the time, every day I think.

Yeah, sorry, it does make sense. I think I just don't see my reactions as proportionate to his behaviour. Sometimes they are, but yesterday with him coming into the bathroom my reaction wasn't proportionate at all and I think EMDR will help with that.

You love your kids, right? Would you ever try to kick a door down to get to them or punch a wall by them, even if you were really angry?

no?

I know. And he knows this too. But I can't say it at the time, and I can't bring it up afterwards. Maybe I could, if I was careful about it. But still - he already knows. It's just, in the moment, he thinks it is my fault. And after, he wants me to take my share of responsibility too, because he doesn't think it's fair that all my "shit" doesn't count once he crosses some arbitrary line into losing his temper or whatever.

You're not comparing your relationship to a healthy relationship though. Maybe you can't even truly comprehend what one can be like yet.

You're comparing your relationship to what you've seen in your family. Which may well be worse, but that doesn't make what's happening to you unimportant enough to live with.

It's like disability benefits. Sometimes people complain that their child is so much more disabled than their friend's child, but they get the same DLA award.

That's not the point. The award isn't based on comparing the two disabled children. It's based on comparing them to typically developing children. And they both meet the criteria for that level of award.

You are in an abusive relationship. You are not less deserving of having a safe and peaceful life than someone else, just because their partner treats them "worse".

So the measure of proportion you are using is on the wrong scale.

If that triggers something, he should try to avoid doing that. But also : I think someone smashing their way into the bathroom would be frightening for most women- he had surely already scared you for you to run to the bathroom, and that isn't right.

However, I think another poster raised this and I wanted to be clear: was part of the reason for the smashing into the bathroom (and the previous similar incident) because he feared you might be self harming? The way he behaves still sounds very worrying to me, but I think it's important to know if possible(understand if you don't know/don't want to say).

I know some people would say abuse can't coexist with love, but I'm not sure. It's possible for someone to love someone but not in a way that promotes their good, at least that's what I think.

Love involves respect. Respect isn't part-time, even if the problematic behaviour is intermittent (which is normal in an abusive relationship anyway).

From the work I have done in therapy, I would say someone’s intentions can be good and they can certainly have feelings of deep affection that you could call love. But if they are under-developed, some kind of mental or emotional block is stopping them from being a properly whole, healthy, functioning person - so their love is never going to be whole, healthy or properly functioning.

I understand that wording it this way might make you feel sorry for them. But it is not your problem to fix, nor would it be possible for you to fix it if you tried. You can spend years trying to help a man with his problems, but it’s him that has to change and it’s him that has to want to change. Right now, your DH seems to be resisting change and keeping you so scared you don’t even want to raise it as an issue. He’s happy with how things are. He’s happy to keep you scared. He has no intention of changing his behaviour in order to help you feel safe.

if you want to know the truth, don't listen to what someone says, look at what they Do. I could say I was a concert pianist many many times but it wouldn't make me one.

I don't know. He didn't ask me first, which he has done before, if I've gone into the bathroom. Also just to be clear we're in a new place now and you can unlock the bathroom door from the outside so he didn't smash it or anything, he just unlocked it from the outside. He didn't say anything first though so I don't know why he did it. In fairness to him as well, it would be reasonable to think I wasn't ok. I wasn't going to badly harm myself or anything, but I was in that state of nearly losing consciousness again (which was obviously a reaction to the past, this time, not to anything he did this time).

No of course I wouldn't, but love shows itself in lots of ways. I love my brother, but I wouldn't kiss him on the nose and tickle his tummy, which I do to my kids. I love my kids, but I'd never confide in them about anything to do with my mental health.

And anger shows up in different ways too. My husband doesn't do silent treatment. My mother does. My youngest will still hit when they get really angry. My sister lashes out at specific people, no matter who she's angry at. When I'm angry, I sometimes self harm.

Maybe everything I've said here is just more evidence my whole family is a mess, but my point is that love and anger both probably look different for every person/ every relationship.

I feel certain that it can. My dad was abusive and I have no doubt at all that he loved us. And I think it promoted our wellbeing in that I would chose my childhood with him, and growing up with the community I had, over a childhood like my husband's, despite everything.

That said, that's not really the two options facing me or my kids now.

Yes I think that's true. I have been thinking about all of that. I've never lived alone. I met my husband when I was still a teenager, before I'd fully realised how outside normal or ok my family was. I don't really know who I am outside these two big relationships - with my birth family and now with my husband and kids. I'm ok with that, like I don't have much going for me except the people I love. But I have started to think about the path not taken if that make sense. Even if I'd met the same man, but five years later. I don't know.