AIBU to leave my abusive partner while pregnant with our second?

[Quentina]

I’ve been in a relationship for the past 6.5 years which is, I now realise, abusive. Last week I was away on a work trip, didn’t reply to a message within ten minutes, and he blew up my phone saying I was cheating and that he was going to hide microphones to prove it. At the weekend he started an argument in front of his children and our toddler because I wouldn’t agree to never see friends without him present. He then gave me the silent treatment all weekend and said I wasn’t allowed to speak to him. Meeting his pre-teen daughter’s eyes in the rear-view mirror as I was silently crying whilst driving us all home from the cinema trip I planned and paid for broke my heart. This kind of stuff has happened regularly since we had our child (along with his alcoholism and him cheating), but I’ve tried to smooth things over.

I have just found out I’m pregnant and after this weekend, something has snapped. I’m done. He wants me to have an abortion, of course, but I’m not going to. I can afford to raise two and always wanted two.

So, he will try to make my life Hell, but he already does. I’m free. I feel such relief.

Hoping a dangerous man just leaves is a bit naive.
You need to be safe.
Maybe best you leave with dc to safe place.
You telling him you wont get an abortion could trigger violence to give you or cause a miscarriage
.
Expect the worst and plan safety

That’s easy to say but I can’t afford to pay the whole mortgage and not even be in the house. If I go to stay with family, I can’t work. DC has childcare and routine here. I have pets. It could take 6-12 months to sell the house.

It would be significantly easier if he left.

I'm a bit astounded by the "advice" upthread on this and to be honest, you're certainity combined with ambivilance about bringing a child into this world in the circumstances you're in.

OP, you are with an abusive man, can afford to raise another child and want to keep said child. You do understand that you're going to have this man in your life for a least a decade or more, yes? I imagine you don't think he's an ideal father figure for this child?

When are you leaving and curious, how old are you?

I think even getting this on record with them would be worthwhile. They may have some specific local area related advice for you .

He’ll be in my life for that long anyway because of my toddler. I’m 40. I won’t be having another child or pregnancy.

would be significantly easier if he left.

Of course
Hope he does but you need a plan B

I actually think it's incredibly selfish to bring a child into these circumstances. It sounds all very me me me. I want sibling for my DC (half siblings not good enough) / this is my last chance. Choosing to bring a child into the world with this father and the implosion of the relationship is certainly not in their best interests.

What are your plans to leave him?

I understand you wanting to have this child. I also am concerned you aren't thinking long term and in the present beyond being pregnant.

Did you miss the part where he’s an abusive arsehole, and the relationship is ending anyway?

The relationship may be ending, good. For the third time, what are your plans for leaving OP?

My plan is to put the house on the market and use my ringfenced deposit money to buy a property for myself and my children. I imagine it will take 6-12 months. I get 9 months paid maternity leave and will then return to work, probably remaining part time until they are at school.

I’m not saying it’ll be easy, but it’ll be better than raising children in a house with holes punched in the walls with a man who blanks me for days.

The op is clear she can manage financially and emotionally on her own.

And that she’s enough evidence to get a restraining order against him.

That’s the main reason imo to contact the police as it helps to back things up more speedily if needed.

She doesn’t need to put his name on the birth certificate.

He wants her to abort so doing so would be bowing to his coercion. If she’s not going to seek any support he doesn’t even need to know.

If he's punching holes in the walls (or damaging other property that is yours or jointly owned) that is enough for the police to arrest him and bail him with conditions not to contact you and not to return to the property. You can then apply to the family court for a non molestation order. So if he causes more damage call the police. Obviously if he does worse then call them.

I did exactly what you are planning to do 20 years ago. Best decision I’ve ever made; both my children are an absolute delight and doing very well. Wishing you all the joy and happiness in your new life from the bottom of my heart.

That's good you have a plan and a ringfenced deposit! If I've understood correctly, you'll still be living with him throughout your pregnancy and for birth? And you won't be earning your normal amount giving maternity pay for nine months.

Can you leave him sooner?

Can you get a restraining order against a spouse while living with them?

I know you will, @Quentina but please take advice about how to get him out safely. Don't tell him in person unless you have someone with you. He will never change and you know what to do. I wish you all the best.

OP, you already know you're making a great choice in leaving. I think you must be incredibly strong to have kept all those resources (practical and emotional) throughout a relationship with someone who only wants you to be smaller and more dependent. In awe of your strength and resolve.

Like others here, I would advise to hope for the best and plan for the worst when it comes to separating. Definitely make sure you've got someone else with you. And plan for him to not go quietly at all - then he cant catch you out.

Ending the relationship means limiting his control. Controllers don't like that, and they don't make it easy. They can also surprise you with some new lows. You're obviously great at having a plan - put some of that nous towards a contingency if he kicks off.

And when it's all done - the world will be your oyster x

Why did you have another baby with this man?

He hasn’t done anything like that this year, but of course if he does, or threatens to, I will involve the police again.

I’m pretty sure he’ll stop paying bills if I tell him it’s over, and I can’t afford to pay everything for our house and to rent elsewhere. Friends and family are too far away to stay without it impacting on childcare and work. So if I’m not unsafe, I’m going to have to suck it up til the house sells.

If he’s violent or threatening, I will call the police, who will remove him, and get a restraining order.