AIBU to leave my abusive partner while pregnant with our second?

[Quentina]

I’ve been in a relationship for the past 6.5 years which is, I now realise, abusive. Last week I was away on a work trip, didn’t reply to a message within ten minutes, and he blew up my phone saying I was cheating and that he was going to hide microphones to prove it. At the weekend he started an argument in front of his children and our toddler because I wouldn’t agree to never see friends without him present. He then gave me the silent treatment all weekend and said I wasn’t allowed to speak to him. Meeting his pre-teen daughter’s eyes in the rear-view mirror as I was silently crying whilst driving us all home from the cinema trip I planned and paid for broke my heart. This kind of stuff has happened regularly since we had our child (along with his alcoholism and him cheating), but I’ve tried to smooth things over.

I have just found out I’m pregnant and after this weekend, something has snapped. I’m done. He wants me to have an abortion, of course, but I’m not going to. I can afford to raise two and always wanted two.

So, he will try to make my life Hell, but he already does. I’m free. I feel such relief.

You are of course not being unreasonable at all here.

I would consider contacting women’s aid to find out what your options are regarding reporting his coercive behaviour to the police. I feel it would help your case but also I worry that he could get a lot worse.

The most dangerous time for a woman is when they try to leave. And you are pregnant too.

Much love and un mumsnetty hugs.

He sounds awful and of course you're not unreasonable to leave this relationship. What is your current living situation? Do you have friends/family close by who can offer support?

Im also concerned for his other children so a report to the police may be important here.

Is his ex around? Have you ever spoken fit her?

There are so many red flags here. I’ve done some cpd on domestic abuse through school and the police. Please speak to someone at women’s aid.

Thank you. I’ve already been in contact with the police, Women’s Aid and a local counterpart after an incident with him last year. The police were ready to arrest him for controlling and coercive behaviour, but told me the chances of conviction were low, and he vowed to stop drinking, so I gave him another chance.

I don’t feel particularly safe but if he does anything further, I know I can call the police and he’ll be issued with a restraining order. I am hoping he’ll go quietly though.

I think you should make as many people aware of your decision as possible. I would make sure you are somewhere safe. I have think in this situation I would speak to women’s aid and the police again. I would get ahead of the situation rather than put yourself and your children at risk.

huge congratulations on your pregnancy! This will be the making of you ❤️

You’re being too forgiving. You are still thinking of him - you’re ‘hoping he will go quietly’. He still has a hold over you. You need to be as sure as you can you are safe.

Do not consider him for another minute here. The priority is you and your children and being as safe as possible.

Like I said, I’ve already spoken to them. They could offer me a refuge. I don’t want or need a refuge for me, my toddler and our pets; I have a mortgage which won’t be paid by anyone if I leave.

He has said if I don’t get an abortion, he’s leaving. He has cash available to rent a place or get a hotel. So I am hoping he will do as he says. I will make sure others are aware of the situation and are ready to call the police if I don’t keep in touch.

If there is any violence or threats of violence I will call the police, he’ll be removed, and a restraining order will be issued.

Ok good - I hope he does quickly so that you can get on with your life without such a poor example of a man.

I would just not be too quick to assume your freedom - this kind of controlling man will use the children as a weapon against you and want contact and potentially custody just to get at you. Not to put a downer on your decision but just remain vigilant.

Report the abuse so there is some potential evidence for his behaviours in case of future social care involvement. And do not put him on the birth certificate for the new baby.

I lived through this before coercive control was an offence and wish I had left sooner. You can export WhatsApp to email to keep an evidence trail. In my experience, men who are this controlling don’t leave quickly or quietly.

This ^ all of this.

I know what you’re saying, and I’m sure he won’t conveniently disappear from my life. He sees his other children EOWE and I expect he’ll want the same with ours. If he is sober and remorseful, he’ll probably get it. He’s never directly harmed SC, he’s just a lazy parent. I doubt youngest SC will want to visit if I’m not around. I will reach out to their mum when I know what’s happening next.

I think it’ll be better for DC to have a safe and happy home 90% of the time than stay living with him, so it’s still cause for happiness for me.

There’s already a significant paper trail with police and social services.

Be careful with who you tell about your plans to leave. I wouldn't tell anyone to be honest.

It's your choice (and it's choose your hard when abusive men like this are around) but is allowing another person to have a father like this a good idea? Look at the damage he has done already. It will be extra stress and work for you to protect another child from it.

Yes, get away from him..Take care and best wishes x

I don’t want to have an abortion. I want DC to have a full sibling (SC are older and already closer to their mum’s other children), I have a stable, well-paid job and supportive friends and family. If I didn’t have DC, I’d have cut my losses years ago but I am forever linked to him already.

Yes do this. Send to a secret email account. Screen shot other messages too and send one

He absolutely cannot access my emails, cloud accounts or other data. There’s already a lengthy record including screenshots with the police.

At the moment he thinks he’s talked me into an abortion so is love-bombing me after blanking me all weekend. I’m going to tell him I’m not having an abortion and that it’s over next weekend.

He is a dangerous man, but he’s also afraid of the police and knows I will call them, so I am hoping he just leaves, then keeps busy for a while with drinking and sleeping with randoms instead.

He’s an absolute bastard. I hope you leave pronto and have a very very happy and lovely life with your two children

why are you even asking ? get rid, it won’t get any better x

Would it be worth, after everything you have said about him, to give the police a heads up when you are going to tell him? Even ask for a family officer to be present when you ask him to leave.

It’s not a bad idea. It just feels very nuclear and I would prefer to separate amicably. I doubt that’s going to be possible, but it would be my ideal.

Stay strong and go now as it will be easier before the baby is born. The sooner the better. Be honest with friends and family about why and how he has been treating you. Get a solicitor in place and do everything through the courts regarding contact so there is a set schedule and he cannot use that to control you. Don’t feel sorry for him. Go through cms and do whatever you have to do to make yourself and the children happy and safe. He caused this.

Definitely make sure you have a family member or someone with him when you tell him as that is when you are at the most risk and with you being pregnant with a child he does not want you need to protect yourself. You can alert the police and also tell them family when you intend to tell him so they can either be there or check in swiftly after. You must protect yourself.