To feel sad that my family never help

[Summertime2006]

Im a single parent and I can count on 1 hand the amount of times my family have helped me.
I feel sad and angry and resentful. Yes I know its not a right to be helped by family but they could if they wanted.

I asked my parents to help me today. My DS is ill and has been all weekend. Ive recently had a couple days off work as i had to have unplanned eye surgery. If I took more time off I wouldn't be paid and I need the money otherwise next month will be a big struggle.
My parents said no. My dad watched the England game so he is hungover. My mum went to get him at 4am even though she didnt have to. She then said she is seeing her mum but she could do this any day as she doesnt work. Then she said she is watching her other grandchild do their sports day. So i have been given no choice but to take the day off. My sister is going to her children's sports day so cant and I have no one else to ask.

It is so different to my DS dad side of the family. They help all the time with childcare. Well they help his dad with so much tbh and always have. They dont like me so wont help me (big family court battle and I dared to tell the truth about their son abusing me).

So here I am again doing it all alone. My therapist said I should stop being so independant and reach out for help. This is the reason I dont. I know what the answer will be. Or if it is a yes it is met with huffs and puffs and id rather not deal with the guilt trips.

Anyone else have this with their family?

Thanks all its good to know im not alone on this. I mean i didnt ask to be born but yet im left to struggle. My mum told me when I had my DS that she would absolutely not be doing any childcare when I went back to work after maternity. The nursery was literally a 2 min work from her. I crippled myself in nursery fees, yet still no help.
Both parents fully resent that fact me and Dsis still needed help after 18. They see us as adults and therefore we should be able to do it ourselves.
They would absolutely expect my help in their elder years. Funny though because ive asked my dad quite a few times to hang some doors, I keep getting excuses. Ive asked my mum to help trim hedges as its unsafe to do it alone. Im still waiting.
They would absolutely get shirty with me if i did not help them.

The upside is that you dont owe them anything when they are older, just make the same excuses that they made to you and enjoy being free of any caring obligations.

I get you. I've never had help either.
My parents happily helped my siblings but would always have an excuse when I needed help.
I was criticised for struggling but was literally doing everything alone.
Yet ironically my mother happily palmed us off at every chance she had when I was a child.

But I have cut them all off now so they have no relationship with my children which is their own fault for never being there for them, never visiting, even their birthdays got forgotten.

They already had plans. Other people were relying on them. And it's last moment, without enough time to organise something else.

It's perfectly OK for OP to ask, but she has no reason to feel aggrieved.

You will be told you’re entitled to expect help, you chose to have kids, it’s not your parents responsibility blah blah blah. But I totally get it. I can’t imagine letting my dc struggle if I were physically able to help, no matter how old they are. Sorry op, it’s shit.

They had plans and they’re pretty valid and solid plans OP. Of course it would have been nice to have your son for you but I wouldn’t want to look after a young child if I hadn’t had a good nights sleep. I look forward to meeting my Mum / sister for coffee and not working doesn’t mean that it doesn’t take some planning / arranging, I wouldn’t want to cancel solid plans. She probably just wanted to enjoy sports day without taking care of anyone. Sorry but sometimes we just don’t want to do it. It’s hard work and not all of us enjoy it.

I think thats it. I would absolutely help my DC at any given chance. I wouldn't want to see them struggle especially if what they were going through was not their fault. I also understand that they may need me as an adult but in a different way to being a child. My parents dont seem to understand that.
Tbh my DS isnt their biggest fan. I think he is now old enough to see they don't bother

He still isnt well today and ive asked my mum again as I really need to go to work. She has said yes but then she has also said "well I need to do food shopping, I need to get some new straighteners and I need to take some clothes back, so he will have to come with me"
She literally doesnt work and could do these things any day.
Like I said previously when its a yes its always such a hassle. He isnt well enough to be dragged around. So looks like im probably going to be off again!

@Summertime2006 Just hope that when they need you when older you will tell them that you are very busy. They sound cold and selfish and don't deserve any help in the future.

in the future when they might need help, you could be washing your hair!

I think men often get more help as they are seen as less capable in terms of looking after children and that it is more important they are able to work hence why your ex has the whole family rallying round.

They do sound unhelpful, but if they had already promised another grandchild they would watch their sports day then they would feel that they had let them down.

Just seen your update about today. You mention your DS doesn't like them much so do you think it's awkward in both sides hence them not wanting to help that much?

I just think they are not very nice people. It sucks when you realise that about your own parents. I never for any help either - it burnt a hole of resentment. My mum is in a care home now and guess what I can't bring myself to go and see her - neither child has any interest as she made no effort with either. You reap what you sow.

Sorry OP you are nit getting support. They sound very selfish.
I would remember this in the future when they need help because they will at some point, whether it's a lift somewhere etc.
I would be refusing to fo anything for them and remind them of their lack of support for you when needed it. It works both ways

that's really sad. my sister is a single parent if she was in this situation I'd miss sports day get a friend to film it and explain to my child so they can understand family matters and we help one another. alternatively if offer the money so she can stay home and look after her son. I couldn't imagine letting my own sibling and nephew down like this.

you seem to think your parents lives and commitments aren’t important or valid.

You’ve kept saying they’re retired they could do things any day. I mean sure - but maybe your mother wants to have dinner tonight and so buying food today is sensible. Maybe she has plans tomorrow?

Maybe your parents are useless, but you sound overly entitled. Your mother has said yes to watching your son. Accept. Or decide the way she’d watch him doesn’t work for you and watch your son yourself.

It doesn't sound like you've ever been on the brink of losing a job because you've had to take so much time off to look after an ill child

Really? I must be very fortunate then because my mother wouldn't hesitate in circumstances such as the OP described.

@Summertime2006 I suggest you build a "family" of mutually supportive friends. That won't solve all your problems but it will help.

I'm a single parent of 4, 3 youngest are Autistic.

Been on my own 7 years.
My family have never helped at all, ever.

My mum doesn't remember my dc birthdays or send Christmas cards.
We always send gifts and cards.

I never expected much from them but got absolutely no help or support.

Could you find a babysitter/child minder to do occasional care?
Wish you a speedy recovery from your op.
💐

Yes, really. I wouldn’t want to put my parents in a situation where they were caring for my sick child, especially if it meant they would have to cancel on someone else to do so.

Ah, this sounds very tough OP. I hate it when parents put their own preferences -before their children like this - they sound quite selfish and lazy tbh. But my family wouldn’t care about the Engkand game and aren’t drinkers so…

My mum would help me but my dad would never have asked his wife to pick him up at 4am from anywhere so she would have had that capacity, if you see what I mean?

Perhaps there is more to the story - is your boy ill-behaved? I suppose most people work better with some notice but sounds like it was not possible in this case.

I would say - try asking again. Your mum might remember that she couldn’t help this time so may be more willing to next time.

Sending much love - single parenthood is not easy but you got this…

An Actual stranger could ask me to do this for them and I’d have said yes. How shit of a family member do you have to be to put getting pissed to the point that you’re completely out of action the next day, or going to visit someone you could literally see any other day that week, above helping your daughter who is having surgery and your poorly grandchild?