To feel sad that my family never help

[Summertime2006]

Im a single parent and I can count on 1 hand the amount of times my family have helped me.
I feel sad and angry and resentful. Yes I know its not a right to be helped by family but they could if they wanted.

I asked my parents to help me today. My DS is ill and has been all weekend. Ive recently had a couple days off work as i had to have unplanned eye surgery. If I took more time off I wouldn't be paid and I need the money otherwise next month will be a big struggle.
My parents said no. My dad watched the England game so he is hungover. My mum went to get him at 4am even though she didnt have to. She then said she is seeing her mum but she could do this any day as she doesnt work. Then she said she is watching her other grandchild do their sports day. So i have been given no choice but to take the day off. My sister is going to her children's sports day so cant and I have no one else to ask.

It is so different to my DS dad side of the family. They help all the time with childcare. Well they help his dad with so much tbh and always have. They dont like me so wont help me (big family court battle and I dared to tell the truth about their son abusing me).

So here I am again doing it all alone. My therapist said I should stop being so independant and reach out for help. This is the reason I dont. I know what the answer will be. Or if it is a yes it is met with huffs and puffs and id rather not deal with the guilt trips.

Anyone else have this with their family?

We didn't have anyone for emergencies either. MIL wasn't keen to help and although my mum did have the kids for a weekend each year so that DH and I could go away, she lives 300 miles away and my father was really unwell when my children were small, so she couldn't really leave him easily.

We just had to manage.

Your parents sound pretty useless though, I can understand why you're upset with them.

Incidentally, which eye surgery did you have which only needed 2 days off work?

You wanted them to change their plans though, that's different than if they had no plans to start with.

Expecting your parents to change their plans to look after your sick child isn’t reasonable or fair imo.

Hi @Summertime2006, I could have written this post. I have two DS, one with additional need. I stopped asking for help because as you wrote, its either a no, or yes but with huff and puffs and arbitrary caveats. I never expected regular childcare, but I would have really appreciated help now and then, but even more than that, just some time. I feel a ping of sadness when my friends and colleagues talk about family life and my experience is so far removed from that. I have tried to bring this up a couple of times, at one point my mum did start coming with us swimming, but this just fazes out. You're not alone, and it is sad, it really is.

That sounds completely and utterly rubbish. My family never helped, but they lived very far away so it was difficult. And my in laws didn't bother with us. What we did was build up our new family of friends around us. We did lots of childcare sharing. My friends who are single or lone parents
Which take there, friends, kids for sleepovers, sometimes in repayment, for babysitting. Thy have a DH he works very long shifts, and as often away at night so although it's obviously very different, there was lots of times when I had a juggle, three young children on my own and definitely needed my friends to help me, otherwise it would have all fallen apart.

My friends became my surrogate family.
Your parents aren't going to change, so all you can do is change your expectations.

It's completely reasonable to ask a grandparent to look after a sick child, even if it puts them out a bit! They don't have to say yes, but it's completely normal and reasonable to ask.

I don't think it is, no one wants to catch germs or look after someone's unhappy (because of being ill) child. That's the parents job.

I have the same with family as a single mum myself, we are seen as capable and we just have to get on with it dont we.

maybe you could avoid helping them in their old age if you feel strongly on the matter. Dont expect anything in life.

It's shitty of your Mum not to help in an emergency situation which you couldn't have planned for, like a sick child. I think you need to try to mentally draw a line under your family being there to help, and try to build a support network of friends or neighbours.

Could you have a look at Gingerbread or other local organisations? I'm sure they'll be other Mums out there who are in a similar position and would appreciate some reciprocal help with childcare.

@Summertime2006 Sorry for you- just hope they don't expect any help as they get older because you reap what you sow. My DS2 is at my Mil's for the week-end- she's 82 and got health problems. He's 13 but happy to hang out at her's because she has always been in his life helping me out but also just because she loves her grandchildren and spending time with them is a priority in her life. She's coming with us on holiday for two weeks since she's a lovely person and she's close to us all. We don't "need" any help because our children are teens but the fact that she has always been there has forged our relationship.

I help my dc all the time. Don’t get me wrong I’m not regular childcare, but I’ll help out where needed. My dh does too. We couldn’t imagine prioritising football/drinking over our grandchildren. We didn’t get any help and it was hard. We’d never leave our kids in the lurch. I’m sorry op it must feel especially lonely and hard as a single mum trying to navigate this. I hope it all works out ok x

Different if they had no plans, but you can’t expect people to change their plans at the drop of a hat.

Any chance they are just paranoid about being sick? When anyone gets sick here everyone disappears as they’re all afraid they’ll get whatever it is they have. Sorry you don’t get help op, but actually most people don’t, I think everyone assumes everyone has someone they can ring but we’d only have help if it was a bad hospital situation, then they’re great but luckily that rarely happens.

That sucks, OP. No, of course they don't 'have' to help, but I can see why you feel alone. Make sure to match their energy when they are old and need care.

I definitely think that grandparents who refuse to help at all with grandkids are going to have that energy returned when it's time for them to need care.

Ok so here it is.

they make their choices, and you make your choices.

don't give favours to earn favours

act on your inside voice and how it makes you feel, not immediately what your head tells you - it doesn't always have your back (or heart so to speak)

It’s mean of them. They could help if they wanted to they just don’t want to.

When they’re older and start to need help, maybe you’ll give the same level of help back. I think I probably would.

I've done regular childcare for my grandchildren and in emergencies so that their parents don't have to miss work.

I think OP's parents are being unkind. Their daughter is a single parent with an abusive ex-partner so gets no help from her child's father's side of the family. OP will lose money that she can't afford to lose as she now needs to take another day off work.

It's often been my experience on here, particularly on the Elderly Parents board, that the parents who did the least to help their children are the ones who feel most entitled to hands-on help and care from their adult children in their old age. If that's the case here, hopefully OP will match their energy when that time comes.

They already had plans! They could have taken your child with them though

I totally disagree.

OP’s child was sick. How could he have gone with them?

Op thats hard. We never had help either. I think families should help each other. I look back and it was difficult.

Agree , I have 3 children ( all grown up now )
One is SEN .
I can count on one hand how often my parents have looked after my children and when they did do this it was with much negotiation and caveats like you say .
My husband and myself didn’t get away together for 18 years .
no respite for us and when a big anniversary came up they ignored my request that they could come and just keep an eye on things .
Suggested because my oldest was a girl that they could do it ( she was in full time work and the other was a student so not always there )

We have the same.

My parents aren’t around.

My husband’s dad said (and this is practically verbatim), “you’ll look back on this years later and laugh!” when he found out we were at A&E with the baby this gone weekend and hadn’t slept for days. No questions asked such as what happened, is the baby ok, what did the doctor say, do you perhaps need help such as the dog walked or something. That comment was the only thing he said. Our baby isn’t even sitting up yet. He, on the other hand, likes us to listen to his health concerns and guilt trip his son.

I won’t be seeing him again if I can help it. And we’re aiming to move away in the next few years (that’s one benefit of a useless family - you are entirely self-reliant and can take a job post anywhere in the world and move like you’re carefree and single!).

DH’s mother lives too far away to help realistically. She does like to ask whether we need help regularly which of course is untenable because she’s very far away to arrive in time to provide the help being offered. When she does visit a couple of times a year, she is very hands off and likes to talk about herself a lot.

When my own mother was around, I felt she was finding her grandchildren a burden (she was young and healthy) in exactly the same way she found her children a burden when we were growing up. Kind of like mild undertones of resentment in her eyes all time and these days being on her phone a lot whilst around children. I wouldn’t expose my children to that having grown up with it.

The truth is, it works out in my favour because (1) I wouldn’t be happy to entrust my children to anyone else even if that was possible unless much older at which point they can look after themselves anyway, (2) remember kids grow up ridiculously fast and you’ll soon not need any help which can’t be said the same for aging parents and (3) at least you’ll never feel guilt about getting to enjoy your life as a middle aged person without any elder care in it.

Do believe me when I say life gets so much easier - we have an almost teenager who will go to the local shops, walk the dog, take rubbish out, set the dinner table, watch his siblings for 15 mins if needed, etc. etc.😁

Wow. I can’t understand how grandparents can be so uncaring and not want to help at times .