AIBU to think an old friend/ former bridesmaid deliberately blanked me at a festival?

[pontipinemum]

I bumped into two women I used to be friends with at a music festival on Saturday. I’ll call them Sarah and Emma.

We all went to school together. Emma and I were friendly, but Sarah was one of my closest friends for years. We travelled around Australia together, stayed in regular contact, and she was one of my bridesmaids.

I was there with my children and passed them on a narrow walkway, so I stopped to say hello. Emma immediately hugged me, asked how I was and chatted about life/ her recent holiday etc.

Sarah was already speaking to someone else, which was fine, but she didn’t acknowledge me at all. She didn’t look over, smile or say hello.

After a couple of minutes, I said my son and I would keep moving and that we might see them later. Emma said they would call over if they saw us and meet my husband and other child.

Sarah still said nothing, so as I left I lightly touched her shoulder and said, “Sarah, lovely to see you. I’m sure we’ll catch you again.”
She looked at me and made a vague “ah, yeah” sort of noise. That was it.

We have had some ups and downs over the years. About two years ago I stopped initiating contact because her replies had become very short and it felt as though she didn’t want to engage. It hurt me every time. Since then there has been no contact, although I still occasionally like her Instagram posts.

About six years ago, I had a serious mental health crisis and spent around six months in hospital over a two-year period. Sarah and other friends did try to support me, and I know I wasn’t always responsive. However, I have seen her at several occasions since then (my baby shower, weddings, catch up dinners) and things seemed fine - she also asks my sisters how I am if she bumps into one. There was never any major falling-out that I knew of.

I completely understand that friendships change or end. This has happened me several times over the years people move/change but I am always pleased to see them/ say Hi. I’m not upset that Sarah and I are no longer close. I’m upset that she seemed unwilling even to acknowledge me or my child.

My sisters were there and both thought it was a very obvious and rude snub.

I would love to know what I did wrong but I don't think I ever will.

AIBU to think she deliberately blanked me?

YABU - She was having a conversation
YANBU - She should have acknowledged you

Yes it was rude of her but you cannot make people behave with good manners. Just ignore her next time.

Perhaps Sarah is having a difficult time and isn't feeling as responsive as usual.

If she was in conversation with someone, it would have been rude of her to break off to speak to you. She sees you as a friend from the past who she no longer has contact with. It's sad but friendships wane. You just have to move on. Don't dwell on it, you didn't get the response you wanted from her, we can only guess at her reasons which might be valid.

She will have her reasons for not making the effort and not wanting to be friends anymore and that is her right. No one is owed a friendship.

You say that you'd had your ups and downs over the years, so I wonder if this was more a friendship of circumstance (eg having usual friends) rather than a true friendship in its own right?

She will have been friendly and polite at things like baby showers, weddings and catch up dinners because that was the right thing to do and respectful to others there but, at a festival, where she was there for herself, she had no need to be either of those things.

She was setting a clear boundary that she is not your friend and has no wish to be your friend. And that is OK even if its not nice too be on the receiving end of it. A lot of friendships drift for these reasons.

If she had posted asking if she had been rude, people would have told her she was doing the right thing to set boundaries, no is a complete sentence and she doesn't owe you friendship and that none of those things are rude, but, as usual, because we are hearing from the perspective of the person on the receiving end of boundaries and not being owed a friendship, it is viewed differently.

I used to be completely unable to take the hint when people replied and weren't fully engaged or enthusiastic about meeting up. Now I can.

I had someone after months of no contact write a paragraph explaining why they didn't want to be friends anymore and just shat on me as a person.

Why do you want to be friends with someone so uninterested?

At best, she’s annoyed that you were unresponsive during your mental health crisis.

At worst, she doesn’t want to be friends anymore.

Neither scenario paints her someone you should care about.

Remove her from your social media, including WhatsApp.

Thanks every one I appreciate you replying to me. I am reading all the comments

I don't think I deserve friendship from her and of course she should do what is best for her. But it was to not be acknowledged hurt. I was walking down a path that forced me to walk by her, in future I should just quickly say hi then keep walking.

@Fffa that would have been hard to read!! In some ways I wish I had a reason but in others maybe I am better off not.

@nomas it is 100% my issue that I feel so strongly about this. We had such a lovely friendship for about 15 years. We had such fun times together. I really find it hard to reconcile in myself that I have done something to hurt her. -

Again all my own issue I had a lot of abandonment/ abuse/ neglect as a child. When things like that happen it makes me think there is something intrinsically wrong with me. That it is my job to then fix it. Internally I face a huge pull/ conflict if someone is upset with me and I used to always obliterate my own wants/ needs/ boundaries in order for that person to no longer be upset. Since 2024 I have been in counselling and have finally for once in my life learnt some boundaries and that it is OK to have my own wants.

@pontipinemum it’s normal to feel abandoned after such a long friendship. And it’s absolutely right fpr you to have boundaries. Notice your friend abandoned you as soon as you developed those boundaries. Whereas a true friend would have cheered you on.

I’ve had a similar distance develop with someone I was friends with a long time. I would reframe it as something is going on their lives to make them change like this. With my friend, she did a lot for people and gave a lot of herself to people, and when that wasn’t reciprocated, she took a mental step back from everyone. I always advised her to give less of herself, which she is doing, but as part of that, she developed a distance from most people and focused on her family. We are still friends but I match her energy now and she does the same with me.

Your friendship has died, that’s plain to see and for some reason she is holding a grudge. If you’re desperate to find out you could initiate contact and ask but I’d personally drop it. She didn’t talk intentionally because she doesn’t like you. Hard to accept maybe but for one reason or another you’ve drifted and she isn’t keen on you.