Secretive husband

[simpleminds6]

Been together 10 years, married 6. I love him a lot. We have our issues but overall he is a good dh who provides for us and a good dad and stepfather. But one thing that frustrates me is that he doesn’t tell me things. It can be silly things but some things I’d consider to be important too.

In the early days of our relationship he lied about some sexual things - basically he took Viagra for ED issues which he never disclosed but I found boxes. He explained it away as being embarrassed which I accepted and never pressed it.

He has kept stuff from me that has hurt me such as looking at porn when we weren’t having sex, never really communicating about sex. This has improved now.

He ordered weight loss injections and never told me. No idea why, it’s something that I would discuss with him.

He recently met with a (male) friend of his who I don’t particularly like. I know this because a message flashed through from the guy just as I was walking past dh phone saying ‘still on for tomorrow’ with the time and place. I asked Dh about his day and he said he’d met with a contractor for lunch which isn’t technically a lie because the guy is a contractor but he didn’t and still hasn’t told me it was him.

I think a lot of the time he omits things that he feels will cause a debate between us which I don’t think is very fair as I’m not a controlling or unreasonable person. I have opinions on things sure and I totally get that he has the right to keep some things to himself. But it doesn’t really sit right with me sometimes and makes me question how much trust I have in him. If he can keep such pointless things from me for no good reason then could there be other, bigger stuff?

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I talk to him about anything and always value his opinion. I get the feeling he just can’t be arsed with a row as he perceives it or to hear my views. I genuinely don’t try to catch him out or snoop, it’s purely by chance that I’ve found these things out. He’s working closely with a woman at the moment and I notice that he never even mentions her name to me despite me knowing they work together. The fact that he is secretive makes me suspicious of things that I logically I know are not suspicious, does that make sense?

I’m sure people will tell me I sound like hard work and I am controlling but it’s not the case. I just don’t understand why as husband and wife he feels the need to keep both pointless and more serious stuff from me.

You've said twice in your post that you're not controlling - twice. Has he actually done anything wrong? Didn't go into details about the person you dislike - anything else? Most of what you have mentioned is to do with his physical health and of course he's entitled to his privacy there - it's why you can't just call up a GP and ask for people's records. Are you looking for trouble here?

Do you recon his side of this story would be that you are quite controlling and would have something negative to say about him meeting the friend you don’t like?

It’s hard to explain. He has done things that have broken my trust and made me feel like shit. For a while we weren’t having sex because he claimed the ED issues and low libido were making him depressed. It was very difficult and I felt quite rejected but tried to stay supportive. Found out he’d been looking at porn and even signed up to OF during this time which for many people would have been a deal breaker right there and then. This was a long time ago, we worked through it and it’s much better now. However this coupled with the fact that he hides silly things just makes me wonder how much I know about him.
I realise this is a bit of a drip feed I didn’t really want to go into those details.

is your gut feeling that something is off?

I honestly don’t know. I think it’s off in general that he withholds stuff deliberately. His health issues particularly related to sexual stuff, fine I get it. It’s private. All I can say is that when I used to think about what marriage meant to me it was utter transparency, being able to tell your partner anything and not fearing being judged or accused or whatever. This doesn’t feel like that from his side. I think he wants a quiet life and would keep things from me if it achieves that. But it doesn’t really feel great.

If my partner judged my choice of friends, I wouldn’t tell him who I was meeting up with either.

It doesn't sound to me as though you are partners in your relationship OP.
He doesn't share things with you which are really important to your marriage. And he misleads you even if he isn't downright lying to you.

Tbh I doubt whether you really know the man you are married to and it seems that's what he wants: to keep you at arms length. The fact he watches porn and uses OF means he sees women as sexual objects to be used, not as people.

It's not the type of relationship I would want to be in OP. And the porn and OF would have finished the marriage for me.
That is who is OP and you won't change him. So the question is whether you want to accept him as he is or end the marriage

Up until you mentioned OF, I didn’t see that he had done anything wrong. The viagra and weight loss jabs are really his business and he doesn’t want to have any other opinions on it. The porn, I think is normal and meeting a friend you dislike isn’t worth discussing with you. There probably isn’t anything interesting to tell you about the female colleague or he just switches off from work when not there.

The only fans is a worry though. Although maybe it’s linked to his ED and he’s just trying to sort through the issue trying anything available to him.

Discuss the OF, drop the rest.

We did discuss it a long time ago. We moved past it. I think the feelings of betrayal have lingered though and it’s made worse by the way he continues to keep silly things from me.

On one hand, he despise any sort of conflict so much that he will do anything to avoid even the most innocent conversation when he has to explain himself.

On the other hand, you lack self awareness about how you go on about things that he has a right to do and he finds it exhausting.

Or somewhere in between the two.

It's known that porn contributes to ED. He is possibly looking at porn, more than you're aware, so that will cause him to be secretive because no one should be bragging about porn.

It sounds like he has a lot of insecurities and doesn't want to be challenged or questioned.

You want him to be transparent, and I don't blame you, but is he able to talk to you without judgement?

Check out omar minwhalla secret sexual basement op and see if anything feels like it might fit for your situation.

Others maybe fine with pornography and secrecy in their relationships but for me I want complete transparency thats how you build trust especially after its been broken which yours has op. The porn and OF would of been deal breakers for me. You deserve the right to know about these things as they do concern you op. It's your sexual relationship too.

The lying and hiding is a pattern. Could it be innocent yes but could it also be signs of wider abuse patterns, absolutely. I'd suggest getting individual counselling op for you to work out what your particular situation really is and for support.

I'd reccomend joining reddit love after porn group for the resources and support. To get a picture of wider behaviour. It might not fit for you situation but it's worth investigating.

Wishing you the best op, trust your gut.

ive got a male friend who can be bothered arguing about stuff and told me he says “yes” to things at the time (to his then wife and still nowadays to his mother) and then does what he wants. says it’s an easier life without arguments. i think he disrespects all around him.

it was none of my business. till he did it to me. that pissed me off no end.

he just decides that his opinion is the only one that matters and to hell with the rest of you he knows best. Even when he doesn’t and is making poor decisions.

I think it’s about him not wantimg to argue because he doesn’t or cannot explain himself for whatever reason so he just arrogantly says yes and does no.

if your husband is doimg porn and not you it’s because he’s not that into you. i think your relationship is on rocky ground. get your ducks in a row first before info is squirrelled away and then talk to him about the future ss youre not a glorified housekeeper or mother figure keeping house for him to do whatever he wants youre his wife and he promised to share his life with you not use you as a housekeeper while he shops around for someone more sexy to spend an hour with via cam in bed.

I actually believe there is a level of arrogance behind it too. Like he can do what he wants and doesn’t need to tell me because I’m just the nagging wife and he can’t be arsed with me. Not very respectful is it.

Things have improved with us in the bedroom and whether or not he is looking at porn still or not I don’t know. The porn isn’t a dealbreaker so much as the OF which I do have a big problem with. Either way we have communicated about it and things have got better on that front.

But the habitual hiding of silly things is really annoying and doesn’t make for a healthy or trusting relationship. I don’t really know how to say this to him without it becoming a big issue or it looking like I’m snooping or being controlling.

Closet gay??

Lol no, this is not on any kind of radar. At this point I’m questioning a lot of things but closet gay would be seriously unexpected.

People are allowed privacy even when in a relationship especially if it’s to do with something personal and would feel embarrassed to share.

@simpleminds6 say for instance you get hairy chin when you’re older, would you tell your husband you buy cream for this or go for laser treatment? No, you’d rather not mention it and just deal with the unsightly issue. That’s how he feels with his viagra and weight loss jabs. As for his friend, he probably just doesn’t want to cause any unnecessary upset over a quick catch-up with a friend.

I think you’re being too nosy on the little things.

This is the difference between us. I absolutely would and have confided in dh about all manner of health issues, insecurities, worries. I get that we are just different types of people, maybe I’m too much of an oversharer and I don’t think it’s wrong that certain things are kept to himself.
But it rather impacts the trust in the relationship and makes me wonder how much I know the real him. Given what has gone on in the past I would just like more transparency but maybe I need to accept he’s just a more private person than me. I hope it is just a case of being private and not deliberately deceitful though.

Until you discover otherwise then take it as he’s just more private than you. There’s no point creating problems where there isn’t any.

Op you partner already has been deceitful and damaged the trust with the porn/OF
Why should all the compromise be on your behalf op to give him the benefit of the doubt?
Any loving partner who could easily make their partner feel safer in the relationship would do so when it's sharing transparency over very innocent things. It just takes consideration.

Sharing my "chin hairs" only brings my husband and I closer. It's fine to have more privacy in a relationship where you're both happy for that and trust hasn't been damaged. That's not the case for op.

Deliberately not telling someone something is the same as lying. How can you trust him?

I’m not sure I agree with this. Meeting the friend is a good example, he didn’t lie he just didn’t give me all of the facts. But I don’t understand why. I don’t like the man but I never have or never would try and stop him seeing a friend. It’s all just very bizarre and I think a pp nailed it with the arrogance comment. He’s too important to deal with any perceived shit he thinks he might get from me so he just doesn’t say anything.

@Arlanymor "Most of what you have mentioned is to do with his physical health and of course he's entitled to his privacy there"

ED is something that definitely should be shared in a marriage as it affects both partners. Likewise with weight loss jabs. He might have side effects, changes to blood sugar levels or mood swings which your spouse should know how to deal with or at least understand. Hiding, or even lying about, physical health when you're in the most intimate and enduring relationship of your life doesn't align with my view of marriage and I suspect many other people's too.

I could be your DH in this scenario and I do it for a quiet life.

My own DH voices his unasked/unwanted opinion on every damn thing I do or say. I constantly feel criticised, like I have to justify every simple thing I want to do - we are the opposites that attracted and as such we don't have many shared interests so he just 'doesn't get' the things I like - which I think partly explains his behaviour, but I just can't be assed so I'd rather keep quiet or lie if it means not being mined for information or argued with over everyday activities.

I'm not suggesting you're the same as my DH but maybe your relationship has some similarities to mine?

Always trust your instincts.
It's also up to him to ensure you feel safe and secure in the relationship, not for you to have to interrogate him.
If it walks like a duck, etc ...