AIBU to check if my son's friend can manage his birthday party?

[BrownWoodenChair]

Hello
My dc is due to turn 9 soon. He has a friend who doesnt go to his school but theyre close. As I am with his mum. Friend has a condition whereby some mobility is difficult for him. My dc has had birthday parties in soft play, cinema etc over last few years. His friend has always pulled out the morning of the party due to illness or feeling different to other kids. Of course we've always been graceful and said not to worry about it. Dc wants a party in high octane ninja warrior type place. Likelihood is friend will pull out on morning should I text mum pre invites going out and check he'll come or advise something else ?

I'd be absolutely pissed off at paying for a child for several years who always fails to attend.
I'd invite him but not pay for his place.
It's quite rude of the Mum to keep accepting and being a no show really, especially when it's a repeated pattern.

I think inviting him but not including him in the number to pay for is the best suggestion, provided you can add extras on the day if required.

Dont invite him

can you do something separately another day?

Gwt him over for a pizza and movie play a few days after

dont mention the party

OP is not excluding him because he has a disability, it’s because every year his place at the party is paid for and he doesn’t turn up. It’s a waste of money and completely unfair for his parents to RSVP yes and then drop out every year.

Hi Jane, Johnny has chosen a ninja warrior activity for his birthday this year but I appreciate it may not be Bobby's idea of fun so wanted to check with you first. Its Saturday 20th and I need to confirm numbers and pay by X date so if you could let me know that be great. Also, Johnny asked if Bobby could come round for a games night and pizza on Friday 19th after school. Let me know!

Did you read what the OP wrote?
Friend has a condition whereby some mobility is difficult for him. My dc has had birthday parties in soft play, cinema etc over last few years. His friend has always pulled out the morning of the party due to illness or feeling different to other kids
The child has a mobility issue and has pulled out due to illness or feeling different. Is this child’s parent supposed to tell him that he can’t go to the party because of his condition? That’s really going to make him feel wanted isn’t it. If it were not because of his condition, why has the OP even mentioned it?

He doesn’t come because of his disability, hence OPs AIBU being whether she should ask his mum if he can ‘manage’ the party. So if she excludes him, his mum may feel he’s been excluded because of his disability. Its pretty simple really

If the mum acknowledged though that her son often felt unwell on the day of the party (whether this is linked to his disability or whether it is anxiety of joining in) then I think everyone would be more understanding about them saying yes.
Surely mum must realise her own son is doing this, and that each time he pulls out of a party it is costing someone. OP doesn't mention if she has ever offered costs towards it previously or even asked if the venue would allow last minute add ons as his disability means he has good days and bad days, so would need to see on the day.
If this was a normal situation of parent says kid will be attending a party but then pulls out on the day 3 years in a row, then everyone would say don't invite them.

Mum to a physically disabled ds here.

Jes older now so can explain things. He said the worst thing about not being able to join in is t the not being able to as such - but the lack of acknowledgment about things he can’t do. Like people try and ignore his (very obvious!) disability.
me said he never minded pals having inflatable or rock climbing parties when they invited him acknowledging he couldn’t climb but they wanted him to join the food and cake. Or that he couldn’t climb swim but not use the inflatable.

He also never minded if he was invited to meet for food after or to a serrated celebration he could access (he said he actually got to spend time with party child whereas in a group sorry you don’t so much.)

So I’d suggest you do message the mum and say “DS is doing X but we realise for your DS this may be difficult so we were wondering if your DS would rather meet for the food after or arrange a day out just the 4 of us to celebrate another time?”

DS has many physically disabled friends including some with missing limbs - it’s a consensus that the worst thing is people trying to trip over themselves to pretend they don’t “see” the disability that is obvious 👀🤔

As PP’s have said, just explain to mum that DS wants the party at a place unsuitable for her DS so you’re going to organise a separate meal or cinema trip or whatever for the two of them.

What do you mean ‘normal’ situation? Yes if the kid just pulled out for fun then it would be different, but that’s not the case

But it doesn't sound like the mum acknowledges this. If I knew my child was hesitant over something then I would mention this, especially to a friend. I tend to check with my kids if they really want to go to a party - especially when younger and it was the generic class invite or if I knew it was an activity they wouldn't like or could find awkward. One year it was go ape, I wasn't sure how high it would be or if my son would like it so I told the party mum that he wanted to go but wasn't good at this sort of thing. She said it would be fine, one other had said the same and that they would all cheer each other on.

To me it sounds like half the responses on here are suggesting that you don't mention the disability at all (which to me seems weird if you know the child might struggle) while other parents seem happy for it to be acknowledged but to still send the invite so they know they weren't left out. Surely if it was your friend who you have known for several years you would know that they have difficulties.

It's not fair of the mum to allow this to keep happening, if DS (ASD) pulled out of the same child's party 2 years in a row then I would be turning down any future invitations unless I was absolutely 100% sure he would attend. It's not fair for another parent to keep paying for my child to then let them and their child down.

I would say that DS is having a ninja party this year which her DS may not enjoy so would he prefer to meet up for pizza a x place on x date instead because your ds would love to see him. Having a clear plan to do something with her DS suggests you've really thought about him and aren't just making some vague thing up that probably won't actually happen and is just an excuse to exclude him.