AIBU to check if my son's friend can manage his birthday party?

[BrownWoodenChair]

Hello
My dc is due to turn 9 soon. He has a friend who doesnt go to his school but theyre close. As I am with his mum. Friend has a condition whereby some mobility is difficult for him. My dc has had birthday parties in soft play, cinema etc over last few years. His friend has always pulled out the morning of the party due to illness or feeling different to other kids. Of course we've always been graceful and said not to worry about it. Dc wants a party in high octane ninja warrior type place. Likelihood is friend will pull out on morning should I text mum pre invites going out and check he'll come or advise something else ?

I would just say that the party isn't suitable for friend this year but DC would love to do X with him on Y date instead.

I think I’d just invite him to something different e,g, pizza and gaming evening or cinema

I was going to say check in with the parents first and then invite if they say yes but considering the form for last minute cancellations it might be best to just not invite him and if it comes up in conversation say it was a "school friends only" party this year

Obviously it’s not suitable so arrange some thing else like a sleepover or pizza & gaming or cinema

Have the party but arrange something else for ds to do with the friend.

Thanks. The issue is we have mutual friends whose children will be coming so I can't say its school only. They'll say he'll come but he won't 😐

I would certainly invite him. And know that he may not come, but the important thing is to know that he is included and wanted.

Could you do the Nina party in the afternoon and then have Sons friend over on the evening for pizza and film/ games night?

That's what I think ! Its the cost too. Im considering inviting him but not paying for his space 🙈

I'd just let her know that the party won't be suitable for her son and plan something else such as pizza, game night etc.

I’d do this, warn party place you need to add one on on the day, but it’s pretty normal to add one or two kids onto the main group on party day

Poor kid. Agree with PP I'd speak to the mum explaining that unfortunately you know the party won't be suitable but arrange something different with him another time.

i would word it along the lines of “DS has picked to go to Ninja warrior for his birthday this year. He would love for Fred to come but I appreciate it may be too much for him. If he would rather would be like to come with us to the cinema and for a pizza the week after”

you could always invite a couple of others to the cinema or other alternative too.

Please do not exclude him!! That is horrible! You could word it something like

DS is having x party at x location on Sunday. They will be doing Y at the party. We would love friend to come and he would be most welcome however if he would rather have a smaller get together with DS perhaps doing Z then equally DS would love that too.

make it really clear that you want to include his friend in whatever way his friend is most comfortable doing so. Trust me it’s much nicer to be invited and have the opportunity to turn something down than to just not be invited at all. And please do make sure there is an alternative offered.

At what point have I said i will exclude him ?

My 9 year old is autistic and physically disabled, and there are many parties that he just can’t attend.

Our close friends always deal with this by sending us the invite (these are usually done on a WhatsApp group here) and also messaging me privately to say that they know this may be a struggle for MiniMagnum, and they would love to see him but understand if it may not be possible and if so would he like to do x or y instead with the birthday friend.

That approach has never offended or upset us or him!

Op has not said she wants to exclude him, but is understandably tired of repeatedly paying for a place that goes to waste. Round our way ninja warrior is £15-20 for a session. I think the boy's parent needs to be more sensitive to this

Why is it the OP's job to keep including him and paying for expensive places that he never shows up to?

Have an honest conversation with your friend say you want to invite him but you’re aware that he always pulls out on the morning so can you organise something else so he gets to celebrate with your son?
My friend did this and didn’t invite my son because she thought he wouldn’t enjoy it. I was really hurt and reminded that asking first and giving him
the opportunity to say no thank you would have been much nicer.

How close are you to the mum? Can you be direct and say that Fred would love to invite Bob to his party but you are worried that it is ninja warrier so might not be suitable and that the last few birthdays Bob has dropped out on the day and whether this is because the activity is unsuitable.

DD7 has additional needs and has always been invited to parties. It’s usually a group invite then the parents would message me privately to say that DC would love for my DD to join but if it’s not suitable for her then they absolutely understand and we can catch up on another day.

Honestly I’d be a bit horrified if I received a message from birthday child’s parents telling me that the party wasn’t suitable for my child….surely that’s my decision to make (I have politely declined several parties due to this but have always appreciated being given the opportunity for DD to attend.)

OP I say definitely invite the child with a message to parents saying you understand if they can’t make it and offer an alternative.

giving him the opportunity to say no thank you would have been much nicer.

That's exactly what the OP has done for the past few years. However, rather than saying no thank you, the parents / child have repeatedly pulled out on the morning of the party.

My son is physically disabled and I'd be a bit baffled if I received an invite for him to something like a ninja warrior party as it is obvious he can't do it due to his disability.

An alternative option is fine with me, I really don't need an invitation to something everyone knows I'd have to decline.

I did this with one of DS friends whose mum always said yes and he never showed up. No message or anything. I did check with the place where the party was how likely it would be to add an extra on on the day and they said it would probably be fine. He didn’t show up.

Really? We like getting invites - even if it’s obvious my son won’t manage it, he likes to know he’s been invited, and to know what his friend is doing for his party. He’d be really hurt to not be invited to his friends party.