To have another baby if you find the early years hard?

[Zigzaggyzig]

To ask if you went on and had a second child even if you found the early years extremely challenging?
Personally I found 0-1 years extremely difficult. There was reasons to do with my crap pregnancy, awful birth and baby’s health which clouds things substantially.
I feel like I had one of the world’s most miserable and demanding babies.
We swore never again upteen times.
Life improved at 18months with a brief lul of sheer misery during teething at 2. Since 2, life has been better.
and again at 3, even better.
I enjoy a toddler much more and love chatting and playing with her but equally find it exhausting still and not sure how my body could do it again.
I am not sure what I want except anecdotes of people that did it or did not do it again after a rough ride first time around.
I just can’t work out if we are one and done or not.

If you want another, do it. It might not be so difficult this time - every baby is different. If it is difficult, you'll get through it (I say this assuming you didnt have PND, or have other MH issues).

I absolutely hated the newborn stage and swore I’d never do it again. Quite liked my son when was 1.5 - 2, then it’s been tricky until now when he’s just over 3, though I do love spending time with him when he’s in a good mood 🙂
But I had a second baby about 10 months ago. And the whole thing has been much better. Having a tricky toddler has made me appreciate how easy a baby can be in comparison! If you need to go out then you just pop them in the car. The toddler involves a battle every step of the way.
I had a horrid birth with my first so wasn’t keen to experience that again. But the second birth was amazing.
Even the sleep deprivation, whilst still unpleasant the second time around, was easier to deal with because you have the experience from the first time that you know it will end. Alot of it has been easier the second time.
But then there’s harder aspects such as balancing time between the two, keeping the toddler from hurting the baby etc.

Stuck with one, very happy with that choice. I’m a much better mum to one than I would be to more.

I know people who left gaps after tricky first kids (or for other reasons) but now they have age gaps eg a friend has a 9 year old & 3 year old and their weekends and holidays don’t sound like much fun to me, just one big compromise.

Whereas we just fully embrace DC’s current age and ability.

Ironically I found 0-1 so much easier second time despite having twins. I was more chilled and they slept well.

I love having 3 teens now (although 2 is probably enough and was the original plan).

My first was very challenging, and I’m not very good at small children. He was the kind of baby where strangers would stop and comment “our second was like that, if it had been our first we wouldn’t have had another”. He was unhappy about everything till he was 4.

But then he bloomed into a much easier kid. And so we had a second. The second was so much easier! Slept better (still not through till he was 3), generally contented. Until he turned 4, when he discovered his voice and was unhappy about everything till he was about 7.

So the early years were hard, but we still had another. And now that they are towards the end of primary and secondary school they are generally delightful.

You don’t have babies forever (though those years felt neverending to me). They grow up, and change. Even if you had the easiest, happiest babies/toddlers it doesn’t follow that the rest of their childhood will be the same.

Prepare for the second to be as difficult as the first, and hopefully you’ll find it easier than you expect.

But equally, if you’re not feeling ready to have a second, then don’t. Maybe you’ll feel ready in a year or two, maybe you won’t. Make the best decisions you can for you and your family in the moment. If you end up with more children, then great. If not, then you’ll be able to give your all to the one.

I found it hard went on to have ds2, found it even harder as he would wake up at 4am no matter what I did for years. Would not have another, no way.z

I did it again and the second one was even more difficult 😭 there will not be a third !

From everything you’ve written it sounds like maybe another baby isn’t the best thing for you ?

I think you live and learn and usually feel more confident with a second baby. I definitely found number 2 easier than number 1 but I think a lot of that is dependant on the baby's personality - some are just generally more chilled than others! But with 2nd baby you at least have some experience and expectations are different, you know what you're doing! You also have to factor in caring for a newborn while juggling the needs of a toddler or older child though.

My 5th baby was the hardest - hated being put down and cried a lot more than the other 4! I always say if I'd had him first, I might not have had any more 😂

I've just got the one, and I'm happy with that choice.
I got pregnant quite young though ( 20).
Hated the newborn era, but loved toddler years and he's been no trouble really - not even as a teen ( he's 40 soon).
When he was about 7, I thought I'd quite like another, so we came off contraception. One month I thought we'd caught, and actually felt terrified, so I knew my answer then.

I also found baby years pretty awful and enjoyed the toddler years (and beyond!) Now, I kind of wish I’d had a third, but at the best time (say, a 2 year old and a 4 year old) there was absolutely no way I was going back to the baby years. Later it felt like the gap would be too big and it would affect my existing kids (and us) who wouldn’t be able to do as much because we’d have to revolve around baby/toddler/pre-schooler again.

My second was much easier than my first, but it is difficult balancing the needs of more than one child. You would have a bigger gap though and would have one at school by then, I assume?

I’d say that if you always thought you’d have two, don’t be put off by a tough couple of years - it’s incredibly hard at the time but it is such a short part of your total time with them.

I felt very much like you and was undecided about another for ages. We did go again in the end, with a 5 1/2year age gap, and no regrets. My second also wasn't an easy baby but my eldest was in school and didn't need constant attention or hand holding like a toddler would. I also think I worried less about the little things than I did first time round. They have a lovely relationship and although there are pros and cons I've never wished we had a smaller gap.

The two things that made us decide to go for it were firstly realising that if we could be handed a one year old without the pregnancy of newborn stage we both wouldn't hesitate, so perhaps it was worth putting up with that first bit, and also a 'pregnancy scare' where I realised I was disappointed the test was negative.

My first was a horrendous baby. My second was a dream. Now they are teens, the eldest has been very little trouble. The youngest ( while not being terrible at all) is a typical teenager- messy, spends a lot of time in his room etc. TBH seeing the 2 of them I think it was me!

I also found the first year of my first baby’s life extremely difficult. Very poor birth, multiple issues after the birth, baby had undiagnosed CMPA for a long time and screamed constantly and I ended up with quite severe PPD. First year was just survival mode. Then I fell pregnant again when she was just about to turn 1. My experience with my second was completely different. I was more prepared for the birth and felt more confident speaking up and ultimately the experience was much more positive despite still having its difficulties. I knew the signs of CMPA/reflux etc to look out for, I didn’t have the same expectations of a perfect little newborn bubble that I should enjoy every minute of and both my husband and I knew what to look out for in terms of PPD so I knew I would get help earlier if I needed it. And actually, my second had no allergies/reflux issues, breastfeeding was a walk in the park compared to number 1 and I didn’t have PPD again.

Something that helped me personally was going into number 2 with no expectations. I felt so guilty with my first that I wasn’t enjoying it and actually totally and utterly despised a lot of the first year. Whereas with 2 I went into it acknowledging that if the first year is survival mode that’s okay, we’ll make it through. And weirdly I wound up enjoying it?! But I do think a lot of that could have been because she was just a much easier baby too.

I’m so glad we had both of them. But I’m sure if we had stopped at one we would have been very happy too. It’s a hard decision! Personally, I knew I wanted another when I took the test and, even though it was scary and unexpected, I knew in my heart I was happy when I saw the positive. In fact I have loved having two so much and seeing their little relationship develop that I’ve gone on to get pregnant with number 3.

Before falling pregnant I wanted 2 kids.
But I fell pregnant and felt very little except ill all the time.
Then my son was born and I knew I didn't want another ever.
But that feeling took me several years to come to terms with.

So here I am telling you it's fine to stop at one. You don't need another. Your child will be fine as only child and all the energy you have for parenting will be directed at one Instead of 2 and therefore you will be able to be the parent you want to be for that child.

It absolutely fine to have 1 kid , no kids, 10 kids. Whatever you can handle is the right decision for you

I didn't. Thought about it when he was about 2.5 as finally felt like the fog was lifting, but then covid happened, I had some health issues and before I knew it he was at school and it felt like the moment passed. I do sometimes wonder 'what if' but generally we have a happy life and I don't regret it

For me, it’s toddlers. I can cope with babies fine but the sheer unpredictability of toddlers, the hitting and screeching, absolutely no reasoning with them. I find it really, really hard, and am still finding it hard! DD is three in a couple of weeks and it’s slowly getting easier and I’m hoping the next 6-12 months I’ll be on the home straight. Obviously 4 + brings challenges but nothing like the sheer strength and bloody mindedness of a hellbent toddler.

I had another one after 5.5 years, I struggled immensely with my son and newborn - 1/1.5 years old was the worst time of my life. However I have a 5 month old baby girl now and it hasn’t been nearly as bad as it was the first time - she’s a very content baby and an amazing sleeper. I still struggle as I just struggle with this stage in general but nowhere near as much as I thought I would. I’m happy my son has a sibling now, i definitely won’t be having a third 😅

It’s a totally personal choice op,

as soon as dd1 was handed to me I knew I wasn’t done and would have another. Although she was a terrible sleeper and the whole thing turned our lives upside down, I still went on to have dd2 when she was 3. I had antenatal depression and PND with both babies.
funnily enough as soon as dd2 arrived I knew I was done, 2 was just my number. It was like a light being switched off.

I have 3 and each one has been more difficult than the last. 1 was a breeze, 2 was just your typical parenting with sleepless nights and acid reflux. 3 is autistic and it has been a real challenge! I wouldn't have another. Most people I know, well everyone I've actually spoken to about it, found their first baby the easiest. So in your position, I'd stick with 1.

The under 3 phase is hard work, but if you want another child just do it. Think about the life you want in 5,10, 20 years not just the next 2 or 3
A second baby is a bit easier in the sense of you know what you’re doing a bit more.

I was similar to you, horrible birth and difficult first baby (lovely teen now!). He was such a bad sleeper. But I desperately wanted two and we started trying again while I was still deep in the fog. I was getting up with my eldest 3 or more times a nights for most of my pregnancy. Now I look back and think thank goodness I did it, I couldn’t be happier with my two kids. I wouldn’t want a bigger age gap (2 years 9 months). The tough times don’t last forever.

After baby no. 1, I was like "what the fuck have I done with my life?!". The best advice I've ever got was to have the 2nd child while you're still scared... if you think about it, before you have your first you have wildly inaccurate ideas about what it will be like. But the 2nd time around you know what to expect. And your life has already drastically changed having a child, and I didn't find life changed nearly as much having a second.

I’m currently pregnant with my third baby, I don’t especially enjoy the baby phase but thankfully it doesn’t last forever.

My second was actually much easier than my first, my second maternity leave was much more enjoyable because I had the older child to go places with and talk to. Neither of my children sleep particularly well but I cared less about trying to make the second one sleep independently.

Who knows what the third will be like but the hard baby years didn’t put us off having more.

I found it really hard, so I had another one fairly quickly! 22 months between mine as I worried that once I’d come out of it, I wouldn’t want to go back in!