To have another baby if you find the early years hard?

[Zigzaggyzig]

To ask if you went on and had a second child even if you found the early years extremely challenging?
Personally I found 0-1 years extremely difficult. There was reasons to do with my crap pregnancy, awful birth and baby’s health which clouds things substantially.
I feel like I had one of the world’s most miserable and demanding babies.
We swore never again upteen times.
Life improved at 18months with a brief lul of sheer misery during teething at 2. Since 2, life has been better.
and again at 3, even better.
I enjoy a toddler much more and love chatting and playing with her but equally find it exhausting still and not sure how my body could do it again.
I am not sure what I want except anecdotes of people that did it or did not do it again after a rough ride first time around.
I just can’t work out if we are one and done or not.

My middle one was a nightmare at sleeping - she woke us up multiple times a night until she was 3!

Still had a third! 😆

I felt this way and ultimately decided not to have a second. The first year of my baby’s life almost broke me (with some lovely memories and times mixed in, of course) as he was a purple crier and needed constant stimulation. When he was around 1 (likely due to him starting nursery and it being less intense), we said we’d like another. But I fully saw having another baby as 12-18 months of misery I’d put myself through for the sake of having another older child.

But when we came to trying, I found myself horrified at the idea of a positive test. I just couldn’t bring myself to put myself through it again. So we’re one and done. Our life is pretty fantastic, and I just don’t want to go through those months of hell when I can’t picture how another child would improve our lives.

I could have pretty much said the same thing. I found it hugely liberating to accept that one was absolutely fine, and ultimately best for our family

That first year was very tough but we didn't want an only child for so many reasons.
Had number two with a two year gap.

All the things I found difficult with the first were the same but the difference was me.

I had never so much as held a baby before I had my first and I was 37. When the second arrived I knew how babies worked iyswim. The first year with the second was hard but in a different way, not so much stressful but tiring.

After that it was all easier. Two year gap was perfect, they both got easier and easier, delightful at every other age including teens and are now adults.

If it’s hard again the second time you will know that (SEN apart), it gets easier and the hard bit ends.

We found it v hard with DC1 and I had PND. It took us 5.5 years to pluck up the courage to do it again.

DC2 is 8 months old and it’s been much easier (and flown by far more quickly) so far this time.

Yes we did. I had PND and hated the early years but did opt to get pregnant again when DS1 was 2.5, it was a long term thing for me, I knew I wanted to be a family of 4, have 2 adult children etc etc. I also started to see enough improvement to know it got better. No regrets, I almost wish I felt brave enough to go for 3, not quite though haha. Mine are teens now.

I had a very tough time with my first so always swore I'd never have another. I wasn't even tempted, I was absolutely sure. Well, I ended up changing my mind and having another baby 8 years later, and it's been a completey different experience. Despite the fact that he's still a terrible sleeper, so I've been running off broken sleep for a year and a half, it's been so, so much easier and a much happier experience all round.

Thanks everyone. I agree with you all and find it such an enormous decision that we would not take lightly. As an over thinker, I like to think of every possible outcome and find your stories useful.

Ive kept the story brief as my pregnancy, birth and post partum are extremely outing. I genuinely don’t know anyone in my life to have such a unique series of unfortunate events happen during pregnancy, birth AND post partum. If I talk about it in real life, it sounds like a massive trauma dump, so I have to keep it to myself as much as possible.

The things that happened did cause anxiety antepartum and postpartum, and possibly depression too. However, given the events, I genuinely don’t think any mother would have come out of it mentally unscathed. I was told by doctors at the time that most parents would have some form of PTSD from what happened. I never felt I had depression but just a pile of shit dumped on to me that inevitably made me miserable and anxious, but I am unsure of the difference! I was certainly deeply unhappy.

Also, the personality of my baby was not related to any of the above. The purple crying, the endless whinging and demands on things most babies accept, poor sleep, teething, separation anxiety etc etc

After saying all of the above, against all odds, I do have a healthy child which I do not take for granted and would never assume I could be so lucky again. That’s another reason of doubt but equally perhaps not as anyone choosing to have a child spins the roulette wheel.

My toddler has regular tantrums and is being a right pain at the moment with the answer no to everything, living up to the classic toddler stereotype but honestly it’s an absolute breeze compared to a screaming baby that will not settle when you do not know if they are unwell and need A&E or just unsettled.
I knew during the screaming baby times that a tantrumming toddler would be 1000x better and I stick by it. At least I know why she’s crying nowadays 😮‍💨

I didn't have a traumatic pregnancy and newborn but I still found it shit. I really cannot deal with sleep deprivation. I need sleep. I only started loving motherhood when he started sleeping, age 22 months.

So I've decided I'm just too weak and incompetent for a second.

Plenty of women have traumatic births and babies and they still have another or 2 or 3. They want it more, they're better mothers, they have more money to throw at the problem, or they're crazy. Who knows. Only you can decide, it's your life, but don't just look at the baby years. Think 5-10-20 years.

I knew I wanted two. My relationship with my own sister is and has always been a great joy for me, and I knew that was our family plan.

That said, with eldest the sleep was horrendous and when it suddenly improved at 9 months, knowing we wanted 2 around 2 years apart, we went for it. Turned out the sleep improvement was temporary, of course, and the pregnancy was absolutely exhausting. Once baby arrived it was significantly easier! There's been harder and easier phases but overall I was never in any doubt whatsoever that we'd have two children so it was just a question of when, not if.

With hindsight from mine and seeing others experiences, I think waiting until your eldest has some independence would physically make things a lot easier. At 20 months gap my DS was a baby himself. Whereas a child of 3 can put their shoes on, get a book, use the toilet, fetch their water bottle.

And it is so heartwarming to see my 2 playing together with their little made up games and imaginative play. It just about makes up for the times when one hurts the other or they're fighting over the same toy. Mostly!

Life got easier for us when DC2 arrived. It's hard to articulate why, just that having a second child at that time worked for our family. We did have a 4 year age gap though. And we were lucky that DC1 and DC2 just gelled together from the start. I imagine it's much harder if you have two children who just don't get along.

I will say though that DC1 was quite an independent child and not particularly needy or clingy. So there was never a competition for attention with the baby. While I was on mat leave, he and I were a 'team' dealing with the baby and he got special privileges as the older one, which he enjoyed.

Neither were easy babies that slept well (tbh they still don't sleep particularly well) and I found the first year with each of them quite tough and isolating, but it was easier the second time around, partly because of experience and partly because I had DC1 as well, so the same loneliness wasn't there. We had a very busy, structured family life revolving around the school run, school events and parties and taking DC1 out at weekends and DC2 just had to fit into that, which helped.

I think everyone’s experiences are really unique (which is obvious I suppose.)

When I had DD, it was a lot easier than when I’d had DS. She was a very snoozy baby and I actually understood in a way I hadn’t with ds how people got to watch box sets and just snuggle up and chill (of course I had a toddler but he continued three days a week at nursery.)

I wouldn’t say on balance either of mine are difficult children. Ds has come through a very demanding baby phase and unpredictable and sometimes thuggish (!) toddler phase to be for the most part a very chilled out, easygoing and pleasant individual. He isn’t perfect: he’s prone to being very boisterous and can get silly and manic easily; he can be destructive (not intentionally but like yesterday decided to bring a load of mown grass into the house because he was playing with his toy combine harvester - whhhhy) but on balance you barely know you have him.

DD is nearly three and more difficult to navigate - she can be very demanding and a
petulant; she does that toddler thing of saying the same thing over and over (‘I want drink’ yep I’ll get you a drink ‘I want drink; I want drink; mummy I want drink’ like FGS I AM GETTING YOU A DRINK!) but it’s completely normal and I’ve no doubt the next twelve months or so will steady the more infuriating elements of her personality and be replaced with some logic and reason.

Together the dynamics do change though, and I’m kind of hoping for the better but … more often than not this isn’t the case. Together they are much sillier, louder, wind one another up, encourage one another to do things they wouldn’t ordinarily do, like most siblings they aren’t always kind to one another and while I’m very clear we don’t tolerate name calling or eg hair pulling or hitting it can be difficult to untangle the threads and see exactly who started what. And managing that can lead to further conflict. So it’s inevitable to a point there is more shouting, crying, upset and general conflict than in homes with only one child. I know some people see this as a positive; I’m neutral. I don’t think it’s a bad thing necessarily (although it’s stressful for parents) but while I can see benefits to managing arguments and the like I do think children get this anyway, as it’s pretty much unheard of not to attend nursery or preschool.

I found last year, when they were both home with me for two days a week very hard and stressful; DDs nap was a big problem to be honest as she needed one but this meant days out were difficult; ds was loud and prevented her sleeping which gave me a proper red mist at times. More often than not we’d go out in the morning, DD would fall asleep on the way back and I’d be ping ponging between the house with ds and the car to check on dd. It’s easier now ds is in school but I do feel guilty that the year before he started school was so unenjoyable for me; I’d have liked to have really spent quality time with him. Luckily, dd continued to go to nursery three days a week in the summer holidays and I got to spend a lot of time with ds and I realised how beneficial this was to us both, it connected us again properly.

For the most part if I am honest I would say I don’t really enjoy parenting them together but yesterday they played together beautifully and I actually got to talk to the Mum I went to the place with! So there is light on the horizon (I hope anyway.)

But I guess what I’ve come to realise is it isn’t just having another baby; it changes your first child, your second, your relationship. Even friendships have been affected - most of my friends only have one child and I’m lagging behind literally and metaphorically as their lives have moved on and I’m still in toddler groups and preschool.

My first was very difficult, it was a while before I was ready to discuss having another. My second was a much easier birth and baby although the toddler years were tricky! (but the older one was in school so it was more manageable). I love having two and seeing the relationship between the two of them and their very different personalities.

Fwiw I generally find having two easier, they keep each other entertained/or company. The older one can help out with the younger one etc..

They are older now and the early years were hard, they are there is no getting away from it. It is all worth it and I would not change anything.