What do you say?

[IvyMarieSutton]

We were at a wedding yesterday and in the evening time party bit, there was an older man there as a guest. I don't know him. He had a contraption where he took photos and printed them out as cartoon stickers. He asked if my 4 year old would like one and I said that was fine. He took her picture and printed off the sticker. She absolutely loved it! She said thank you and was so delighted with the sticker. My daughter is a very smiley, happy little girl so not surly or anything like that. She then said to him 'will you do my mummy's picture too?'

Now, for context, I am a stickler for manners and always make sure my kids say please, thank you, excuse me, pardon etc. On this occasion my daughter didn't say please. Ordinarily I would have stepped in and reminded her, but he, before I got a chance and almost sternly, said 'what do you say?'. I waited for her to say please but for some reason she just looked at him and suddenly seemed very shy, and he waited and the atmosphere felt a bit off. It felt like a telling off.

I quickly interjected 'say please' and she did, and then he took my picture and printed it out as a caricature. I did not like the exchange. I am very consistent about enforcing manners with my kids but wouldn't dream of bringing it up with a child I don't know in a social setting, in front of their parents. As I said, I am all over the manners things with my kids (and the four year old obviously does still need reminding) but it made me quite on edge. What do you think?

I think you are massively overthinking a minor moment in time

YABU, he was simply reminding her to say please. Really not a big deal.

He just asked her to say please.
Not sure why his age was relevant?
Just because you wouldn't have done it doesn't mean he was wrong to do it.

I think you are being over-sensitive rather than unreasonable. Weddings are the kind of event where the whole "it takes a village" theory actually plays out properly. All children there are "our" children and one is kind to, silly with and if needed a reminder of nice manners for any random child who might be ones 3rd cousin twice removed or whatever. I think you experienced it as judginess of your parenting where no judginess was intended.

I think my period is due and I am highly sensitive to everything this week!

You don't need to excuse your very valid question and instinct that way, or at all.

The man was rude and arrogant.
He should have just smiled and you obv would've gently reminded your daughter to say please/thank you. Correcting the manners of a stranger is haughty and poor manners itself.

I actually thought that too. I think there's a time and a place for intercepting a child's lack of a 'please' and that wasn't it. It definitely was an instinctive feeling that the atmosphere had changed in a weird way. I've no problems with my mother in law reminding my kids about manners, for example but this seemed 'off'. Anyway it's done now but thanks for seeing my side!

I think it’s fine for other people to remind children of manners when they are asking them something directly. You should have jumped in before he did. No big deal.

I didnt have a chance or I would have!

I still think it’s fine he asked her to say please when she was asking him to do something for her. She should have said please.

He was fine, I wish more adults enforced manners. He wasn't as soft and fluffy with how he said it but it's okay, your daughter isn't going to be traumatised by it. She was asking him for something. She'll forget it. Well done for enforcing for manners, that's great.

Mountain out of a molehill to be honest…

But you didnt so what on earth is the issue?

Fecking Nora.

No - I think it may indeed be a generational thing, when it was more usual for the 'it takes a village' attitude to prevail.

I remember as a child long ago adults doing this kind of thing - and no-one took offence. Most children had the attitude 'oh, it's a grown-up - they must be right!'

That might be problematic to us now, but it didn't seem sinister in those days. Teachers, librarians, Sunday-school teachers, guide leaders - all sorts of adults - would correct you on manners and behaviour. It wasn't seen as a big deal.

I think OP is over-thinking this. I don't think her daughter did anything wrong, but I don't see a problem in the man gently prompting her either.

I'd do it too, it would just come naturally.

YANBU. My children are incredibly polite and nice, very well behaved, but they are also both very shy and rarely speak to strangers.

If they had plucked up the courage to speak to a stranger and the stranger replied like this I would be fuming, because that kind of pressure does NOT help and would just make them retreat and regret saying anything at all. It would absolutely set them back.

It wasn’t his place to say that to your daughter, a bit weird from him. No wonder your daughter was uncomfortable

Youre not unreasonable @IvyMarieSutton

I think we are very hard on kids when it comes to manners, like they have to do a mandatory or performative please and thank you every single time or they are heathens. Of course manners are important but it is possible to ask for something politely and nicely without actually explicitly saying 'please' and that its quite commonplace in adult chat to ask for something in a polite manner without the need to say please or else everyone thinks you're rude, eg I don't suppose...would it be ok if.... Could I trouble you etc and a please is almost OTT or overall formal at times. I think your daughter nicely asked for something, she didn't demand, she didn't ask abruptly or instruct (do one for my mummy now etc) and yes if she didn't thank him I might have reminded on that but he was being a jerk I think and I would have been annoyed

For someone who claims to instil manners in her children you’ve taken an awful lot of offence over nothing. You’re making a mountain out of a molehill.
Did nobody ever say this to you growing up?! It’s a very normal thing for an adult to say to a child and it 100% will not be the last time.

Maybe he is used to working with children and did it automatically? If he has this contraption maybe he does events and is used to poor manners so automatically jumped in. I sometimes do this automatically as working in a school I am used to reminding children of good manners and not just making demands of their needs (I want!!).

The purpose of teaching her good manners is so that she applies it in a public setting. She had a little faux pas and forgot. The gentleman she was talking to pulled her up. Clearly she got a little lost in the moments fun, she’ll learn. She’s only small & it was a safe space with you there.

Gosh I’m amazed it even occurred to you to think about it!

Back in the day, pretty much all adults said this to dc. It was as knee jerk as the actual please and thank you.

Personally I dislike the ‘please and thank you by rote’ approach. Courtesy is so much more than bolting on a word. You can be rude while using please and thank you, and courteous without us8ng them. However, I wouldn’t blink if someone said ‘what’s the magic word’ 🤣

Perfectly normal for a 4 year old to forget to say please and suddenly become shy around a stranger. Also normal for an adult to remind a child to say please. Did your daughter seem upset afterwards?

I often remind children to say please, that's quite a normal thing for people to do in my experience (I also remind adults...)