AIBU not to attend a old friend’s wedding

[Gardencraazy]

I just don't want to go

Many many hours drive

We text alot but haven't met up for afew years
I Imagine I'll be sat with her hideous family throughout if I do go as part of bridal party

Have zero interest in anyone there

I feel mean not going - maybe it will end our "friendship" but heart says not to go

Politely decline. If you can find a credible reason such as a clashing plan for the day, it may be taken better.

If her family really are hideous, some sympathy for her as no-one chooses their family.

It’s an invitation not a legally binding requirement. Just don’t go, but be nice about declining.

Rsvp that you won't be attending , you don't need a reason

Just don't go you don't like them as much as she likes you, you are not friends.

Are you invited just as a guest or a bridesmaid? Not sure why you tbink you would be sitting with the bridal party as you mention unless you're part of the bridal party.

If you are then that suggests she thinks of you as a much better friend than you do.

Wouldn't it be a bit strange to decline the wedding of an old friend without saying why? That would be friendship ender imo

This situation calls for a kind white lie, maybe you have booked a short break or have a prior family event

Dear Anne, "I regret that I will be unable to attend your wedding. I wish you both every happiness and hope you have a wonderful day"

I'd send a card and a gift even though not attending.

I don't go to weddings anymore apart from immediate family, and that's the formula of words I generally use to decline_+ card and gift. Never had any blowback. Once they know in advance and can adjust the dinner/food number it's fine. I never give a reason either.

A white lie is needed here I think...

If she is a good friend the generic "prior engagement" line will sound suspicious.

I would go with either a holiday you can't get a refund for, or a work commitment you really cannot miss.

I am similar to you - I don't go unless it is someone I really love and am close to. I also don't go to any hen weekends. Mainly because I really can't afford it without taking money from the family pot, which I will not do for a vague acquaintance's wedding.

Dont go! You really dont have to.

Also, I dont agree that you have to give some made up, very important reason. You dont have to give a justification along with evidence on the RSVP 😂

Now, if she specifically asks you why you cant attend then simply say "I am so sorry, I already have a commitment that I can't change" or, "I've got a few things going on at the moment, and I just can't make it work"- nice and generic. It would take a bit of a lunatic to grill you further about it and that would make them look unreasonable and a bit unhinged

If she is a good friend the generic "prior engagement" line will sound suspicious.

Why? its perfectly possible that people book weddings in advance that might clash with another event- its happened to me a few times where I couldn't make it.

One time I had pre booked a holiday so wouldnt have even been in the country for it. Another time it was my parents wedding anniversary and they were having a big do and would have been gutted if I hadn't been there.

True - the second one would work I think. It is a middle ground between a formal "prior engagement" and telling a lie. I just know that if I said "sorry I have a prior commitment" to any of my old friends, they would think something was afoot or that I just didn't want to go. Which op doesn't I suppose so maybe the friend knowing that isn't the worst thing in the world

If asked why you are not going, say it's something in your life that's personal and private - that statement doesn't generally invite interrogation.

I may be seen as hard nosed, but if I don't want to do something I won't. In the general scheme of things, most people won't care, and that's the key. I am not their no.1 priority. It's kind of them to invite me, don't get me wrong, but I graciously decline if it either doesn't suit me or I don't want to attend. We both move on.

Years of saying yes when I really meant no have evolved now into a definite NO if that's what I want!

X-posted - I just know that would sound off if I said it to an old friend. That is the sort of response I would use for a vague acquaintance.

The one you suggested earlier would work. Still informal so not a cold response but still vague enough to not invite questions.

Your part of the bridal party? It may be a bigger deal if you don’t go rather than just a prior engagement excuse… if you’re ok to loose the friendship then don’t go.

If you already accepted being part of the bridal party, backing out is a bigger deal than declining a wedding invitation.

Is it today?
If you have already accepted and are pulling out last minute, that's not the done thing.

If it is an invite, just decline.

Things clash , I've never given a reason on an rsvp card or rsvp text just said I can't attend and sent well wishes for the day . Lies get found out and can cause a bigger backlash in my experience.

OP, the whole point about a formal invitation is that you can “decline with regret” without having to give a reason.

So in a situation where you text a lot with someone it would never come up in any of those conversations why you couldnt make her wedding?

That just seems so bizarre to me

She’s asked you to be a bridesmaid? Maybe she feels you’re closer than you are

You can simply decline saying that unfortunately you're unable to attend. You don't have to justify or explain. Of course there are plenty of people who seem to think you need to lie to get out of it. A white lie is a lie as far as I'm concerned and I can't stand liars.

I think a white lie can be kinder, depending on the circumstances

I often can't stand people who refuse to see nuance or who pride themselves on being honest to a fault and "telling it like it is", bit different strokes and all that!

How does the conversation go when the friend says she's disappointed you can't make the wedding and asks why?

Would you tell the truth that you just don't want to a la Phoebe?

What's the point of RSVPs if no one can decline 😊