To sometimes wish I didn’t have my three year old

[towardstheroad]

I feel awful typing that but it’s kind of my most dark and hidden thought. I love her, but I do sometimes think if I could press a button and just go back and not know her but know what was to come I’d do so.

She is … challenging. She wants what she wants and if she doesn’t get it she screams. Car journeys are fraught as she will have say a toy and then drop it and scream. Often I end up pulling over just to stop her screaming but of course sometimes I can’t. She screams whenever something bothers her and it can be anything … the unpredictability of her has me on edge as even when she’s fine the next moment she won’t be.

She sleeps badly, not so much at night but wakes insanely early and if she even has a short nap she’s awake until gone 9. It’s really getting me down tbh.

I just hope it will get better as much as I love her I don’t enjoy spending time with her at the moment as my life is just constantly dealing with crying and screaming and whining; it feels like she’s never happy.

I think the key is to stop "dealing with it" and ignore it instead. If it's not bringing her attention or getting her what she wants any faster, there will be less kicking off. Don't try to stop it happening (experience has shown you can't), just regard it like the weather, something that happens and passes and you can't change it. Don't regard it as a disaster that has to be averted; it isn't. It's just noise. Kids make noise. Drop the rope.

Thanks @FunnyOrca . It’s possible she does need more downtime. I feel like it’s better when I keep her busy but maybe she does need some more time just quietly playing.

I feel bad now … I know she’s lovely really but my god the defiance and the resistance to everything really has a grinding down effect and is so tiring.

The gro clocks worked on my eldest and are currently working on my 3 year old. It took a couple of weeks (and bribes) to get used to but he will now stay in his room until the sun comes on the clock. It doesn’t stop him waking up at the crack of dawn but he’ll quietly lay in bed reading or playing - it might be worth a try.

Thank you. Like I say she’ll sort of stay in her room but it isn’t for all that long and she runs in and out so I can’t go back to sleep. It is very tiring.

0-1 = LOVE IT. EASY. BLISS
1-2 = HELP
2-3= FUCK
3-4= FUUUUCK
4-5= OK.. THIS IS EASIER
5+= YAY

I have no shame in admitting when my kids were that age and were feral i’d regularly book babysitters in the day to take them out so i could just sleep or get my nails done in silence. This age is hard hard hard and whilst we all love our kids not everyone has the same amount of patience. I do not. You need to recharge. Sort out a standing arrangement with a babysitter for say one evening a week to do bedtime and maybe a day or few hours on the weekend.

And don’t feel bad about it.

Agree wholeheartedly with this. I always remember the difference between 2.5 yrs and 3.5 yrs was enormous. So much easier and for myself I put it down to communication skills. Only had 14 months between my two; my DS woke every 1.5 hours for feeding and I became an almost suicidal insomniac. Then my husband had an affair and left us. Seriously OP, this will pass. I now have two happy, healthy young adults in their first homes and I'm living the dream on my own these days - but they and their partners are my absolute favourite people to hang out with (when I'm allowed)! I'm not really a 'baby person' (I thought I was put on this earth to be a mother before having them), but to produce such wonderful adults, we have to go through such gruesome times. Give yourself a break-stay calm, make sure toddler is safe and just walk away for 5 mins. When they are calmer, they then get your attention as that's all they want really. X

It’s literally why people use mumsnet. To ask questions about being a mum. Or to post insane TERF stuff but that’s a different forum.

I digress. If it’s your first kid it’s hard to know if it’s this hard for everyone as many people don’t admit it in person

Thanks. I was in a very low and tired mood when I posted, getting up so early for weeks on end really gets you down. Hopefully it won’t last! Logically I know it won’t; she won’t be insisting I get up at 430 when she’s twelve but it feels never ending in the thick of it.

You sound like a really lovely mother and this phase she is going through does sound challenging! Don’t beat yourself for having a normal response to something hard. It’s not about your feelings towards her, it’s at the behaviour.

YANBU, it can be a tough and absolutely relentless stage. But remember it is a stage - she won't be like this forever, she'll learn to express more what she wants and needs and she will decide to sleep eventually! Hope she gets there as soon as possible, but in the meantime, just hold fast.

Is her bedroom dark enough? Sunrise is pretty early atm.

My DD is exactly the same. My DS7 had his moments, but I’ve been completely blindsided by the outbursts my DD3 has. It is so challenging. I love her so incredibly much, but I do struggle. The little thing can just flip her over the edge and it’s a meltdown for a good while.

Your final sentence resonates with me so much because I feel exactly the same way. I love her so deeply, but really do not enjoy a lot of the time we spend together at the moment. I feel like I am constantly on edge waiting for something to go off. It’s like watching ten spinning plates and having to react in a split second if one slips - you recover that one but then there’s another.

Sorry OP, not advice, but I guess I’m just offering solidarity.

Give me a teenager over a three year old any day @towardstheroad!

It will pass.. not helpful now, but I always found that by the time they were off to school you’d got past the shit bit and into the lovely stuff!

I remember my dc being 3 years old yes, it was HORRIBLE at times. It really does pass.
You will need to find something to snap her out of her fit and then distract her. I needed a different approach in every development fase.
Also.... a pacifier. Not everyone's favorite I know, but not every child is the same. It literally shuts them up and calms them down, so why the heck not?!
We had many peaceful plane and public transport rides and all passengers exited happy 😄.

OP, she screams because she’s found it works. She drops her toy, she screams, Mummy pulls to a halt and picks it up for her - from her POV, what’s not to like? You are going to have to stop her from screaming, and the best way is not to give her what she wants - just say, “I’m sorry: I can’t hear because of that big noise, now what is it you want?” If she carries on screaming, ignore and move away from her. Children are logical - if screaming doesn’t get her what she wants, she’ll stop doing it. (Not, unfortunately, immediately - it will take a bit of persistence on your part.) And it will get easier, OP, as she gets older and becomes easier to reason with.

This is not necessary. What OP describes is normal. What is the class going to teach her?

I feel you. It WILL get better. You aren't bad for feeling how you do - anyone would feel the same! A year is a long time when you're living it but actually, in the grand scheme of things, it's not. Hopefully you'll come back here in a year and think "it's a bit better now". Lots of love xxx

It’s reassuring people think it’s normal.

It just isn’t safe to drive with that level of distraction.

I really hope it improves as I do feel a bit like life is just going to be filled with conflict and difficulty and anxiety for the foreseeable.

Whilst i agree that 3 is a harder age than 2 i feel like most issues can be fixed. If she wakes early change things until she doesn't. Grow clocks are good too but sounds like the problem is more than a clock would fix initially.

Also, don't tolerate the behaviours you can't stand. Tell her straight, if you scream on the car journey because you've dropped the toy I will take it away, you cannot be screaming while I'm driving, it's very dangerous.

The difference i noticed between 2 and 3 were that my 3 year old started to need consequences to get him to listen and do what he was told. I have never tolerated screaming, hitting, kicking etc, I've always corrected it straight away so it's never become a thing.

My 3 year old has firm boundaries, he still has massive tantrums now and then but I never give into them. He knows I mean what I say. I know people will probably think I'm unreasonable but I love my 3 year old, he's amazing, I'm not letting him make my life a nightmare though! At worst I'd describe him as a pain in the arse but only on some days and usually that's because he's hungry or tired!

OK but she still screams.

She still wakes early.

I think this is what I struggle with. Firm boundaries are fine if they accept them. If they don’t I honestly have no idea what you’re supposed to do.

Had 3 in 3 years. My overriding memory is of it getting easier at 3.5. They become a bit more human and sensible. Downhill journey from now on OP!

Hope so!!

It will get better I promise, and then it will get worse but different challenges, and then better, then worse and so on until they are fully formed. It’s exhausting!

Sounds like you need to down tools and have a day to yourself. If this possible this weekend? Partner / family / friend can take the children whilst you have a day to decompress?