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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is this completely unethical?

55 replies

26823Days · 03/07/2026 13:46

My mother is 83 and has a lot of health issues. She has very limited vision, had a stroke in 2022 resulting in ongoing cognitive decline, and she has a physical disability now so that any able to drive or walk much. Luckily, we’re a close family and so her three kids are all nearby and we do a lot for her which is great because it means she can manage at home. At least once a day, one of us will bring her someone for some fresh air and to do her shopping etc. She’s happy with this setup.

Like a lot of families, children seem to be given specific roles. My sister is the one she’ll turn to her help with things like meals, filling out forms, anything medical. My brother is called first if it’s anything to do with house or garden maintenance, or if she needs drives to places further afield, I’m the one who gets called about anything to do with banking or legal, or if she had trouble with her phone or tv- basically, I’m tech support Grin

Just to be clear, we all love our mother and do our very best for her.

She rang me this morning while I was at work to ask me for her broadband password. I told her she doesn’t have broadband. She couldn’t really understand what I meant and wouldn’t entirely know what broadband is, but she knows it’s needed for computers. She’s never used a computer in her life and doesn’t have a smartphone- we’ve tried one with her but it was a disaster so she went back to her basic phone that’s specifically designed for older people.

I asked her why she needed a broadband password and she said “I’ll need it for the telly man”. Long story short, her tv provider made a sales call to her yesterday and mum’s take on it is that they’re giving her free tv for a year and she’ll have loads more channels (despite having about fifty million currently and rotating between three constantly). She then asked me if I could take a morning off work next week to be there for “the telly man”. Turns out she’s signed up to a very advanced package requiring the installation of a new satellite dish, and the “free” element is the installation but her monthly bill will go up significantly. I’d imagine the sales people did explain that to her, but she didn’t grasp it. When I mentioned the satellite dish, she got very flustered because she’s terribly house proud and got upset at the idea of wires being run through walls. I also told her that, without broadband, she’d be worse off with the new package because a lot of the service is streaming. On top of that, because of her vision problems and general struggles to remember things, I don’t think she’d be able to adapt to a new tv remote and she gets very frustrated when she can’t get something working.

After an hour-long call with her tv provider where o had to conference mum in to the call as the account holder, I was finally able to get the planned order cancelled and “the telly man” won’t be arriving. Annoyingly, when I explained she didn’t have broadband, they did try to sell her a package Hmm

Key to this is that this is not the first time something like this has happened. Last year, her phone company sold her an upgrade to the latest iPhone along with a data package any 13 year old would be envious of. She mentioned it in passing to my brother, and it took me half a day to get that cancelled.

There’s been a few other issues over the past couple of years. Like her house insurers selling her worldwide travel insurance when the poor woman hadn’t been on holiday for a decade and can’t walk 20 steps.

While she seems to be savvy enough to scams, she seems to think she’s getting one over on service providers when they’re offering her a deal, but she doesn’t realise that she’s not actually getting something for free, but getting more expense and usually buying a product she can’t use. We’ve been lucky so far that I’ve been able to cancel most things before the contract kicks in but there are a few services she’s paying for monthly that she physically can’t use and she’s stuck in a contract and we have no option other than to pay.

After this morning’s call ended, I stayed on the line and asked the tv provider if they could put some kind of flag on her account to say she’s vulnerable and shouldn’t be called. They said no, she’d have to give that instruction.
Mum won’t do that- her view is that it’s her money and her house and she can do what she wants if she thinks she’s getting a good deal. Fine in theory but she then gets herself into an awful state when she’s suddenly faced with not having a phone/having strangers do installs in the house etc.

After the call, I downloaded the app for the provider, used mum’s account number to setup an account and now I’ve updated her setting so that my phone number is listed as her number and so any sales calls she gets will come to me and I’ll shut them down.

I know if I tell her, she’ll be angry. She was very grateful for my help this morning and relieved when it was resolved, but in another few weeks she’ll have forgotten this and she’ll get another sales call and we’re back to square one.

AIBU to do this?

I know it probably comes across as controlling but it’s a mix of a) hating to see how worked up she gets when she realises she’s signed up for something that’s not at all beneficial, and b) being sick of spending hours on the phone to contact centre dealing with this stuff when it happens.

OP posts:
Princesspeaches99 · 03/07/2026 13:51

I would do this too , absolutely. They deliberately target the vulnerable with sales calls. Good interception 🤗
(Don't tell your dm though, no need)

Hayley1256 · 03/07/2026 13:51

No your not been unethical, we've done a similar thing for all of my mum's accounts. She now has dementia but we had a power of attorney in place before the diagnosis.

We make sure she has everything she needs and will sort any service issues she may be having. A lot of companies still trying their lock with selling her things but she doesn't know what her bank details are or card details anymore.

Apileofballyhoo · 03/07/2026 13:51

Similar happened to my DM with a phone package. Salesperson sold her something saying her bill would stay the same but she'd get a new phone - but her free calls were not part of the new package so she was really upset as she loves to be able to phone whomever whenever and not worry about the cost. Took half a day to get it sorted.

Luckydog7 · 03/07/2026 13:52

It sounds like she needs financial and possibly medical power of attorney. Would she accept putting that into place?

My perfectly healthy mother has just done this at 72 as she witnessed a friend's family go through an awful time dealing with scams and it was too late to do poa as she was already too far gone to consent. Took them years to sort it out legally.

60andcounting · 03/07/2026 13:53

You have done the right thing.

Baconandonions · 03/07/2026 13:56

SKY did this. My relative was registered blind. They signed them up to everything they could despite them not being able to access another beyond their memorised favourite channels. £187 a month they were paying. We didn’t know until they died.

itwasyourshowallalong · 03/07/2026 14:01

You should probably register her number under the TPS system if you haven’t done so already

It probably won’t screen everything out but it might reduce it

Sorry you’re going through this - it sounds really difficult 😔

MrsEmmelinePankhurst · 03/07/2026 14:01

I would have done exactly the same in your shoes @26823Days - you've done the right thing

Motomum23 · 03/07/2026 14:01

In your shoes if she won't get up a POA i would definitely change her registered numbers to your number- its unethical that your mum is being exploited by these companies. It is her money and im sure if there was something she needed/wanted you'd be absolutely sorting that for her but cold call selling should be illegal.

Purplecatshopaholic · 03/07/2026 14:02

My siblings and I took over my mums banking when her memory started going (which she was happy with btw, and we already had POA). Going through her direct debits was eye opening. So many charities were ringing every few weeks and getting her to up her payment every time. She was paying out over £300 a month by the time we checked. We also sorted her tv package which similar situation op, was way too much for someone who really only watched about three channels. As far as I am am concerned I would do the same again, she would never have fallen for these tricks when she was mentally with it.

KnickerlessParsons · 03/07/2026 14:07

DSis and I have our own numbers and email addresses listed for most (all?) of my mother's stuff for this very reason.
Have you got Power of Attorney for your mother? If not, you should do while she's of sound mind. You can register that with the bank, the GP, and anywhere else you need to.

concertinacornflake · 03/07/2026 14:13

It's not unethical, what the companies are doing is unethical.

It would be unethical to actively prevent her buying something she initiated, but it's no more unethical than you answering the door at her house and saying 'no thank you' to a cold caller on the doorstep.

26823Days · 03/07/2026 14:13

Luckydog7 · 03/07/2026 13:52

It sounds like she needs financial and possibly medical power of attorney. Would she accept putting that into place?

My perfectly healthy mother has just done this at 72 as she witnessed a friend's family go through an awful time dealing with scams and it was too late to do poa as she was already too far gone to consent. Took them years to sort it out legally.

It’s a touchy subject.

She values her independence and but the irony is that a POA would actually give her a bit more independence and confidentiality because one person would just be able to sort specific things for her. As it stands, all three of us tend to get dragged in when things have gone wrong.

Like I said, we love her very much and really do a lot for her (which she definitely appreciates) but it’s hard to try and get someone to make a sensible decision when their senses are ailing a little. Definitely not at a level where you’ve be worried about dementia, but the stroke definitely impacted her.

OP posts:
theemmadilemma · 03/07/2026 14:13

I was going to also suggest POA if you can somehow get her to agree.

Make sure you change all numbers to your phone no.

ShakaWhenTheWallsFell · 03/07/2026 14:14

Never mind about if this was ethical or not. That isn't the actual issue here.

Right now you're in firefighting mode and it's going to get worse as your mum gets older. You need to get ahead of this. You need to have a conversation with her about her current abilities and her future decline and your limited capacity to help her, either because your time isn't endless or because of the computer said no/gdpr/legal stuff that protects individuals that all companies operate under

You need a LPA for finance sorted yesterday. Either she puts it in place or you stop helping when she does something like this again. If she's stubborn and refuses, then you have to allow the crisis to happen so she sees why it's needed.

Maray1967 · 03/07/2026 14:24

concertinacornflake · 03/07/2026 14:13

It's not unethical, what the companies are doing is unethical.

It would be unethical to actively prevent her buying something she initiated, but it's no more unethical than you answering the door at her house and saying 'no thank you' to a cold caller on the doorstep.

This. Years ago I shut down cold calls that were bothering my DGM when I lived with her. She was receiving several calls a week from double glazing and roofing companies etc. She was too polite to put the phone down. I told her I’d deal with them when I was at hers during a work vacation. I answered about 6 and told them all that I was the legal owner of the property but didn’t live there, and she was the tenant, and that no work was needed. Complete cobblers and she wouldn’t have been happy if she’d known but the calls stopped. I don’t suppose you could do that now that property details can be seen online, but this was decades ago. Then my aunt and uncle got her a call guarding phone and we spent a couple of hours programming in the numbers of all her friends, family, GP, hairdresser etc in, and blocked unknown numbers. Is there anything you can do to her phone to block unwanted calls?

Cherriesandapples1 · 03/07/2026 14:34

26823Days · 03/07/2026 14:13

It’s a touchy subject.

She values her independence and but the irony is that a POA would actually give her a bit more independence and confidentiality because one person would just be able to sort specific things for her. As it stands, all three of us tend to get dragged in when things have gone wrong.

Like I said, we love her very much and really do a lot for her (which she definitely appreciates) but it’s hard to try and get someone to make a sensible decision when their senses are ailing a little. Definitely not at a level where you’ve be worried about dementia, but the stroke definitely impacted her.

I think it's worth pursuing the conversation about POA for her finances. If she loses capacity it will cost thousands to get deputyship through court of protection. It's worth broaching the subject in a way that doesn't make her feel like she loses control, but if you have her the example where you would have been able to sort all of this out on her behalf without booking a day off work and having to be on a conference call with her, it would allow you to sort it directly with the provider for her.
Also if she ever ended up in hospital or whatever you could make sure all her bills were able to be sorted without her worrying about it

Genevieva · 03/07/2026 14:38

My granny was scammed in a similar fashion. Ie sold something she didn’t understand and didn’t need. My parents were away for a fortnight and I was quite a young adult at the time, but I managed to get it all shut down. It must have been 20 years ago now. It was £70 a month personal protection insurance. Suffice to say, I was sufficiently forceful on the phone that they backed for immediately and were suitably apologetic.

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 03/07/2026 14:40

ShakaWhenTheWallsFell · 03/07/2026 14:14

Never mind about if this was ethical or not. That isn't the actual issue here.

Right now you're in firefighting mode and it's going to get worse as your mum gets older. You need to get ahead of this. You need to have a conversation with her about her current abilities and her future decline and your limited capacity to help her, either because your time isn't endless or because of the computer said no/gdpr/legal stuff that protects individuals that all companies operate under

You need a LPA for finance sorted yesterday. Either she puts it in place or you stop helping when she does something like this again. If she's stubborn and refuses, then you have to allow the crisis to happen so she sees why it's needed.

Problem with this is, unless she has lost capacity then it’s entirely consent based. I’m at the same point with mum. She insists on doing all sorts of things herself, makes mistakes and I spend hours picking up the pieces.

Unless I go behind her back, with the PoA, which you aren’t supposed to do. It feels like we’re in a grey zone-
variable capacity, or capacity but not memory or knowledge to make good choices.

SummerDive · 03/07/2026 14:42

The POA wouldn’t come into force until she has limited capacity and can’t take decisions on her own.

Understanding that might out her at ease?

TeenToTwenties · 03/07/2026 14:45

You need to get POA legally done when she has capacity.
Then get her to let you register it with companies 'so you can help with the admin'.

Cherriesandapples1 · 03/07/2026 14:45

SummerDive · 03/07/2026 14:42

The POA wouldn’t come into force until she has limited capacity and can’t take decisions on her own.

Understanding that might out her at ease?

Not necessarily. It depends if you put restrictions on there or not. I could make someone my POA and have no capacity issues whatsoever and let them manage any of my finances on my behalf.
If op had POA she could at least change contact details to be directed to her so she could screen all the sales calls without having to be at her relatives each time. The companies could deal with her directly as long as she provides evidence of poa

ShakaWhenTheWallsFell · 03/07/2026 14:51

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 03/07/2026 14:40

Problem with this is, unless she has lost capacity then it’s entirely consent based. I’m at the same point with mum. She insists on doing all sorts of things herself, makes mistakes and I spend hours picking up the pieces.

Unless I go behind her back, with the PoA, which you aren’t supposed to do. It feels like we’re in a grey zone-
variable capacity, or capacity but not memory or knowledge to make good choices.

You're right, but it sounds like once the OPs DM has acted in a daft way and realises her error she expects the OP to leap into action to dig her out of the hole. So there would be consent at that point. The LPA would make that process easier or possible at all in some circumstances. And after whatever crisis is delt with, whilst it's still fresh in the DMs memory, she might take advice from the OP to make changes, using the LPA, to prevent a similar situation happening in the future.

I think the only way forward in yours the the OPs situation is to refuse to dig them out of their hole unless changes are made. If they want the independence without any legal provision made for their inneptness or forgetfulness, there have to be consequences. We can't prioritise their pride ahead of the many demands on us in the sandwich generation.

Hankunamatata · 03/07/2026 14:57

Telephone Preference Service (TPS)
Mail Preference Service (MPS)

Musicaltheatremum · 03/07/2026 14:59

SummerDive · 03/07/2026 14:42

The POA wouldn’t come into force until she has limited capacity and can’t take decisions on her own.

Understanding that might out her at ease?

The finance one does straight away if her mum allows it. My dad is still capable but he just can't manage online banking at 94 and he's recently been asked to do a tax return and has passed it to me to sort out. Again using the poa. My father in law was capable until the day he died at 97 but his hearing and visual impairment meant he needed my husband to deal with all financial matters so he had POA.

Although I suppose her mum still needs to agree to give it to her....